Unburdening… brick by brick.

How important perfection actually is???

The simple answer: if you are getting paid for it…IT IS IMPORTANT!!!……if you are not just listen to your heart.

Rest of the post is going to be elaboration of the answer above and my mind hovering over whatever just happened.

Well..

This morning I was writing about artwork. I feel it’s never complete and it’s never incomplete. The artist doesn’t know when to stop. It’s a strange master slave relationship…you can never tell who is the master and who is the slave.

When I started blogging my first plan was to add my own work as a featured image for every post. My header is my own drawing that just came to me and I made it in few minutes, took picture and added it.

But the rest wasn’t easy. So I started adding images from google.

During last few months I did indulge in a few shenanigans with paints and colour pencils they felt good but never felt the triumph I was craving for, until I stumbled upon a charcoal pencil. I felt I just held a magic wand. The darkness of this medium was hypnotizing. And the rest is history…

Now I take days to draw something. Actually I take days to decide on the subject, drawing takes a days or 2 max.

Today I was checking a fixative spray as sam (bff) wants the baby owl to hang on her wall near the entrance to judge nosy relatives. I have to secure the charcoal on it.

Well. So I had my journal that was my physical blog before I dived into this virtual world. And I randomly drew something and sprayed it to check.

Now when I still had my journal and a willow charcoal stick something happened. Something transferred itself onto the paper. I was just drawing random strokes and smudging..i had nothing in mind..

I had no time frame…not the final image…no idea what I am doing…and when I straightened up I saw this…..

 

Ok…this is what I wanted. I have been looking for something with wings…something I didn’t know..not a bird. Neither an angel nor a devil. Not even a dragon.

And there it was.. the image under the eye.

This was something hiding in my subconscious.

I will transfer it to sketchbook soon…I have plan to add tinted charcoal to it…let’s see what it turns out to be.

This was a magical moment for me.

It was liberating…unexplainable.

Well.

My writing started as a therapy. When a few close friends got to know that I m blogging  and I am actually getting followers (they actually dont know my blog i have laid strict bifurcation between the two worlds) they started telling me ways to cash it. 2 of them offered proper jobs.

For a moment I thought it’s not a bad idea I will have some extra cash in my pocket which is never a bad idea. But Sam and another very understanding friend told me to don’t do it right now.

They said, “…then you will pressure yourself into perfecting it and that’s where it will go wrong for you. This is your therapy your catharsis. You do it for your own satisfaction on your own terms. The moment you know you will be paid for it you will do your best to perfect it, you will get scared of failure, it’s not good for your anxiety”.

And I exactly knew what they were talking about. I have worked in one of the big-4 firms. I loved my job. But there was the pressure the fear of failing my team. That was different time. Different situation. Different me!

Whatever I did with this little magic wand today removed one more brick from my back.

I am unburdening myself.

I have always been running in my life…running fast without even taking a break.

I would decide milestones and run towards them blindly until I get there! This is the reason behind my terrible anxiety. I had to get what I wanted. That’s one of the reasons my Dad calls me a stoner 😀

Then I fell ill. And it was a different race altogether. A different battle!

Time’s flying. Soon I will be on the track again InshAllah (if God wills it).

This time I will have to run even faster. I will have to jump more hurdles. I will have to be fearless.

Meanwhile I am shedding the weight I accumulated on my back. 1 brick at a time…