Ladies and gentlemen! here comes an avalanche of rants and life lessons of a soon-to-be-30 woman. Brace yourselves. You have been warned (read this in Liam Neeson’s voice)
The rest you can read in your original voice.
I will load and shoot. I am in no mood of making any amends for anybody’s preferences today, so please feel free to shove your judgments up where they belong.
The entire post is just about me so you can totally skip it if you want. Maybe someday I will take chunks from this to post later, but right now it needs to be said in one complete post. It’s a mini memoir.
5 years back I hit the dangerous 25 years mark. It’s the most catastrophic thing that can happen to a woman, because after this she is accountable for each and every misfortune of her family.
This didn’t happen that severely at my home for different reasons. But there is a world outside home that is full of vultures waiting for you to come out of your iron cage that protects you and isolates you at the same time.
Whatever I wanted by 25, I achieved before 25. And I was pretty content with my career. Two months into my job and I had two job offers from major clients and I already started studying for my 3rd qualification. 3rd star on my CV and another little feather in family crown.
I was unstoppable. I was extremely competitive when it came to work. I wanted to do everything, outrun everybody ASAP. It was madness.
I had reached the material zenith. I was shooting for stars and landing there perfectly.
But then I had to slow down. Actually it was a full stop and an exclamation mark. Nothing slowed, everything stopped!
It was like falling from the bed in sleep and waking up with some fractured bones with the bitter realization that all of this was a dream all along.
Last 5 years are an unexplainable void. I just don’t know where to begin so I prefer keeping shut about it.
And now 30 is happening next month. And it’s shudder inducing.
I am not worried about my appearance. We are wine. We get better with age. Thanks to genetics. I was a monkey at my 16.
And I should be doing yoga and workouts and eating clean and healthy, because immune system is already mischievous.
How about we look at some celebrities who turned or will turn 30 in 2017;
Blake Lively, Naya Rivera, The matilda girl Mara Wilson, Hillary duff, Kasha, Shay Mitchell, Love To (on the same day as me). O my God! Jesse McCartney …who can forget “beautiful soul” guy. Aaron Carter and Zac Efron and Lionel Messe.
And look at my 31- year old ultimate girl crush- Deepika Padukone:-
We share uncanny resemblance;
Dimpled smile- Check!
Duskiness- Heck YESSSS!
Nose- umm.. I have nose of a baby elephant
Height- who the fuck am I kidding I am a chicken! Shorty!!!
So, turns out technically I am 3 way face swap between Deepika, baby elephant and a chicken.
and Oh!!! THE WONDER WOMAN IS 32!!
Well, 30 doesn’t make you look like a broomstick after all.
But it definitely instills some complexes and insecurities in you. If you are friends fan, remember when Rachel turned 30??? Strikes home!
At 30 people expect you to be working at some good position or cradling 2 3 babies at least. In simpler words they expect you to be “settled” in life. And here I am a 30 year old pajamas-all-day person who can’t decide what to order for diner. Or on a very healthy day, what to cook, which is mostly marinating and steaming/grilling. “Too many condiments too less food (fight club)” describe my fridge situation perfectly.
Whatever settled means, I never understood. I never planned to settle down and I can’t, I know. I have always been running and the pause button freaks me out.
People think your fertility goes downhill after 30 which is crap to be honest. Heck I can’t commit to a plant, fertility isn’t on my “things-to-be-worried-about” list.
I am Jack’s shaking infra-structure.
Well. The career gap is stretching as a chewing gum. That too in the hands of a fascinated kid, who is hypnotized by the stretching.
But I have my sturdy medical file and 20+ doctors to explain the reasons.
This was last year when I turned 29 and freaked out. All I was questioning was what am I so far??
And I became extremely impulsive. Well this was one of the reasons. I started experimenting with my life, my own potential.
Birthdays are very private family thing in my household. But we don’t miss any of them. We celebrate birthdays of friends and relatives too. It brings everyone on the same table which hardly happens because of busy schedules.
So this one I will be with mom. Friends were planning a trip but right now I just need to be with mom.
In my student life I used to get excited about birthdays as they were really fun. My friends were craziest wackiest people so I knew it will be fun.
My 16th was Glorious, the best so far. I had everything a 16 year person would want. Those were the best days of my life. My phone wouldn’t stop ringing the whole time.
I am just blabbering here… talking. Telling. Venting.
I am not sad honestly.
Because I realized one thing long ago, we don’t know how long anybody is going to live. I was always closer to Dad and never to my mom which worried my dad. Dad is older than my mom. He always said stay at good terms with your mom as she will be here for longer. Guess who is counting days now???
Giving me a disease was maybe God’s way of controlling my restiveness.
It will sound cliché but I learned a lot after my illness.
For 5 full months I was staring ceiling in numbness. Staring into this abyss, waiting to see 1 speck of light.
The needles of clock stopped moving…all three of them.
Somebody who couldn’t stop thinking (still can’t) or was always upto something was numb and clueless.
I have had hardest time but I didn’t cry much. I don’t know why. I have seen 20+ doctors I stopped counting after 20. And yet I don’t know what happened. Even they would suggest me to slow down.
When it triggered I started reading each and every detail of my tests, reports whatever the doubts doctors had it could be. I was reading like crazy. I read about all my medicines. Joined support groups and what not.
I was running again..this time for my health.
Well. A lot of people say God will never test you beyond your endurance. I believe that too. They say something good will come out of it.
In a way I know. I was never this person I am today.
I am better in a lot of ways.
I was intimidating or annoying, there was no in between. Most of the times somebody had to handle me.
Had it not been my friends especially sam, zazu (my childhood friend who gets mentioned a lot) unicorn (may another exceptionally amazing friend), my wordpress friends, shit I miss Sight11( please come back..please please pretty please), my 911 gang… my life have crash landed long ago.
I was strong my family wasn’t I couldn’t afford to involve them in my own ordeal.
Well. Growing up I was plumber, electrician, painter/polisher, I was the door breaker. Yes, the door breaker. Once the bolt of the door of our bedroom got stuck my baby sister was inside I kicked and broke it open. All the screws of bolt came out. And it turned into a game, until my parents got to know. I must be 12 at that time.
I was bodyguard to my sisters. I was the brother and the son.
I was given the names; “Sufi” (I started writing poems the days I learned to form sentences), “undertaker” (always furious, unruly hair, and black clothes). “black pants” (whatever I wore black pants/trousers were constant) and obviously stoner!
I still talk like a 12 year old boy (everyone says that I don’t know why)
I am quintessential weirdo.. truth be told.
Then what is there to be scared of??? When my life never resonated with lives of most of the people around me, why should I be worried about what majority thinks and believes in, when they haven’t walked a single step in my life, never worn my shoes.
Pulling yourself out of that lobotomized state wasn’t easy. It required tones of mental and emotional strength. But I was blessed to have amazing people around me.
I believe you do need encouraging kind people around you to fulfill your social needs because it’s crucial for survival.
The reason I had panic attack last year wasn’t that I was getting old. I was thinking what did I do for myself??? What did I do to satisfy my own soul? The bandwagon had thrown me out, now what???
I did not want to sleep with regrets. I apologized to everybody I felt I might have hurt anytime in my life.
Unicorn said “focus on 1 single day and your mission should be to live your life to the fullest on that particular day”.
There’s something above any other achievement. It’s mental growth! Now I read, write, play guitar, listen to music, watch movies, eat eat eat, draw/sketch/paint…and LIVE!!!
Now I don’t survive…I don’t run…I LIVE!!!
If I die tomorrow nobody will say… “oh poor soul died so soon without even living her life”
That’s all folks! Thanks for reading 🙂
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