Life needs major amendments and up-gradations in our perspective every now and then.
We can’t spend our entire life deceiving ourselves that we know what everyone is going through.
Our opinions shouldn’t be set in stone.
So 2 months back when Chester Bennington left, I wrote a post on Suicide. I request you all to read that in conjunction with this post to get complete picture.
Here is the link again https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/suicide/
Yesterday, I woke up absolutely fine. There was no breaking news. No nightmares, nothing unusual. It was just a normal morning. I cooked and had breakfast and came back to my room. I was pacing in my room thinking about a million things at a time which I don’t even remember now, when I suddenly felt tears streaming down my face for no reason.
There was not one single reason to cry at that moment!!
I felt something was telling me “you can’t move forward in life now, there is nothing left for you” and I felt like taking my life.
This had never happened to me EVER!
An alarm went off.
Shit! Am I suicidal?? That thought pulled the rug out from under my feet.
I told myself I need to talk to somebody ASAP!!
1st choice Sam (BFF)…she must be busy with work.
2nd Unicorn (another amazing friend)!!
So I left Unicorn a message “can you talk” and got the reply “sure”.
She was the best person to talk to because she has been there last year.
We went on talking for 4 hours. She perfectly knew what to do. Because the feeling washed away somewhere early in our call and I don’t even remember how and when.
This is a chilling situation, and totally unexpected. There was nothing wrong. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t even sad. Nothing at all!
I was shaking, occasionally breaking cold sweat, till finally I went to sleep. All I was thinking was, ‘what if my friend wasn’t available?? What if I got an opportunity to follow that voice??? Thank God I wasn’t in my kitchen’.
So, this is where I need to make an upgrade in my understanding of this subject, because this is something I didn’t know as this never happened. I haven’t googled about whatever happened as I just want to share my own opinion and don’t want any psychological infiltration in it.
Now the thing is, before yesterday I always thought you fall into depression or there’s constant sadness or hopelessness that drives us over the edge and we give up on our lives. A lot happened and there were times when I would think “why am I even alive still”. But whatever happened yesterday was totally different.
There was no reason at all. It was just a sudden urge that hit my like a thunderbolt. It happened in a split second. Good thing I knew I shouldn’t be alone at that time and within 2 minutes I was with my friend on call.
You don’t get time to think or reason why and what is happening. Don’t wait and try to reason. Don’t give it a chance. Your pain receptors go numb; you stop being scared of pain.
When that demonic voice is luring you into it your senses, logic, reasons, music, movies, hope, motivational quotes, faith, everything jumps out of window in the blink of an eye. You forget all the lessons you learned in life.
What we can do, and we must do, is to kill that voice ASAP!!! GET HELP!!
You must not be alone, talk to some friend or anybody who loves you and genuinely care about you. Do not talk to anybody who is temperamental and freaks out easily. You need to calm down you can’t afford panic.
If you can’t think of anything else call the suicide helpline, I think it’s high time we all must have the number saved in our phones.
You need to shut that voice and be with somebody.
I am extremely grateful to my friend Unicorn to give me her precious 4 hours, I cannot imagine what might have happened. And my wordpress friends who stuck by me Windkisses , sonofabeach96 , Covert Novelist. I love you guys. You have no idea what this means to me. I am blessed to have such amazing friends in my life.
And everybody who read my previous post on the same topic (Suicide) and had experienced such thoughts in past, I am sorry, I apologize I didn’t know the complete picture. Maybe I still don’t know. I don’t even know if I am actually suicidal.
I don’t mean to scare anybody but we need to take care of ourselves. There are a few measures I thought should be helpful. First of all treat yourself as a toddler in this case. What are the things that can harm you if you are a toddler??? Sharp pointed objects, weapon, medicines, pesticides, flammable fluid (kerosene etc)… there is a long list, if you guys can think of more please drop it in comment section I will add to this post.
Now, weapons (guns) must be locked and kept in a safe place. Medicines shouldn’t be lying around everywhere make a box for it. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts all of the things mentioned in last paragraph shouldn’t be easily accessible. What is the safest place for your toddler self??? Keep that in mind too.
And the moment you feel that pang run to your safest place and call your friend or helpline, even if it’s just a Tentative hint. There’s no shame in trying to save your life and asking for help.
Now, something for all of us. Please reach out to people. Keep a check on all you friends and family member, neighbors, everybody. Listen to those desperate cries for help and don’t judge them. Stick around. Ask. Try to read between the lines, maybe they are dropping subtle hints. Human beings are social animals nobody deserves to be cut off from the society and having to live in isolation. Be there for people.
What do you have to lose? Little bit of time?? My friend, who has 3 autoimmune diseases, have a husband and kid, shitloads of work to do in a day, gave me 4 hours straight. What’s your excuse???
Why do we bring our stupid over-inflated egos and avoid initiating conversation?? Maybe somebody is waiting for us to talk to them, to ask them.
You don’t have to lecture them, or preach them, or try to prove that you are doing them a favor. Just be there for them, that’s all.
Most normal-looking people can have such moments too. I was totally fine. I was never un-cared for. Everything was perfectly fine. I have seen my highs and lows but this never happened. It happened now when everything was fine.
I was having occasional brain fog in past few days but it never felt serious.
I have had anxiety all my life. I fell into depression on steroids and immunosuppressants. When my doctors suggested I see a psychiatrist I ignored because I had seen a loved one turning into a vegetable on Zoloft/ Sertraline. It was a mistake!!!!
When you are told you should see a psychiatrist. You must!
You might want to check blog of our friend, My Loud Bipolar Whispers, she is making tremendous effort to raise awareness on the subject.
In the end I would just say. Every life is precious and deserves love, compassion and respect.
Take care of yourselves.
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Now where do i fit Crumb in it??