Ask for help. (Suicide)

Life needs major amendments and up-gradations in our perspective every now and then.

We can’t spend our entire life deceiving ourselves that we know what everyone is going through.

Our opinions shouldn’t be set in stone.

So 2 months back when Chester Bennington left, I wrote a post on Suicide. I request you all to read that in conjunction with this post to get complete picture.

Here is the link again

Yesterday, I woke up absolutely fine. There was no breaking news. No nightmares, nothing unusual. It was just a normal morning. I cooked and had breakfast and came back to my room. I was pacing in my room thinking about a million things at a time which I don’t even remember now, when I suddenly felt tears streaming down my face for no reason.

There was not one single reason to cry at that moment!!

I felt something was telling me “you can’t move forward in life now, there is nothing left for you” and I felt like taking my life.

This had never happened to me EVER!

An alarm went off.

Shit! Am I suicidal?? That thought pulled the rug out from under my feet.

I told myself I need to talk to somebody ASAP!!

1st choice Sam (BFF)…she must be busy with work.

2nd Unicorn (another amazing friend)!!

So I left Unicorn a message “can you talk” and got the reply “sure”.

She was the best person to talk to because she has been there last year.

We went on talking for 4 hours. She perfectly knew what to do. Because the feeling washed away somewhere early in our call and I don’t even remember how and when.

This is a chilling situation, and totally unexpected. There was nothing wrong. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t even sad. Nothing at all!

I was shaking, occasionally breaking cold sweat, till finally I went to sleep. All I was thinking was, ‘what if my friend wasn’t available?? What if I got an opportunity to follow that voice??? Thank God I wasn’t in my kitchen’.

So, this is where I need to make an upgrade in my understanding of this subject, because this is something I didn’t know as this never happened. I haven’t googled about whatever happened as I just want to share my own opinion and don’t want any psychological infiltration in it.

Now the thing is, before yesterday I always thought you fall into depression or there’s constant sadness or hopelessness that drives us over the edge and we give up on our lives. A lot happened and there were times when I would think “why am I even alive still”. But whatever happened yesterday was totally different.

There was no reason at all. It was just a sudden urge that hit my like a thunderbolt. It happened in a split second. Good thing I knew I shouldn’t be alone at that time and within 2 minutes I was with my friend on call.

You don’t get time to think or reason why and what is happening. Don’t wait and try to reason. Don’t give it a chance. Your pain receptors go numb; you stop being scared of pain.

When that demonic voice is luring you into it your senses, logic, reasons, music, movies, hope, motivational quotes, faith, everything jumps out of window in the blink of an eye. You forget all the lessons you learned in life.

What we can do, and we must do, is to kill that voice ASAP!!! GET HELP!!

You must not be alone, talk to some friend or anybody who loves you and genuinely care about you. Do not talk to anybody who is temperamental and freaks out easily. You need to calm down you can’t afford panic.

If you can’t think of anything else call the suicide helpline, I think it’s high time we all must have the number saved in our phones.

You need to shut that voice and be with somebody.

I am extremely grateful to my friend Unicorn to give me her precious 4 hours, I cannot imagine what might have happened. And my wordpress friends who stuck by me Windkisses , sonofabeach96 , Covert Novelist. I love you guys. You have no idea what this means to me. I am blessed to have such amazing friends in my life.

And everybody who read my previous post on the same topic (Suicide) and had experienced such thoughts in past, I am sorry, I apologize I didn’t know the complete picture. Maybe I still don’t know. I don’t even know if I am actually suicidal.

I don’t mean to scare anybody but we need to take care of ourselves. There are a few measures I thought should be helpful. First of all treat yourself as a toddler in this case. What are the things that can harm you if you are a toddler??? Sharp pointed objects, weapon, medicines, pesticides, flammable fluid (kerosene etc)… there is a long list, if you guys can think of more please drop it in comment section I will add to this post.

Now, weapons (guns) must be locked and kept in a safe place. Medicines shouldn’t be lying around everywhere make a box for it. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts all of the things mentioned in last paragraph shouldn’t be easily accessible. What is the safest place for your toddler self??? Keep that in mind too.

And the moment you feel that pang run to your safest place and call your friend or helpline, even if it’s just a Tentative hint. There’s no shame in trying to save your life and asking for help.

Now, something for all of us. Please reach out to people. Keep a check on all you friends and family member, neighbors, everybody. Listen to those desperate cries for help and don’t judge them. Stick around. Ask. Try to read between the lines, maybe they are dropping subtle hints. Human beings are social animals nobody deserves to be cut off from the society and having to live in isolation. Be there for people.

What do you have to lose? Little bit of time?? My friend, who has 3 autoimmune diseases, have a husband and kid, shitloads of work to do in a day, gave me 4 hours straight. What’s your excuse???

Why do we bring our stupid over-inflated egos and avoid initiating conversation?? Maybe somebody is waiting for us to talk to them, to ask them.

You don’t have to lecture them, or preach them, or try to prove that you are doing them a favor. Just be there for them, that’s all.

Most normal-looking people can have such moments too. I was totally fine. I was never un-cared for. Everything was perfectly fine. I have seen my highs and lows but this never happened. It happened now when everything was fine.

I was having occasional brain fog in past few days but it never felt serious.

I have had anxiety all my life. I fell into depression on steroids and immunosuppressants. When my doctors suggested I see a psychiatrist I ignored because I had seen a loved one turning into a vegetable on Zoloft/ Sertraline. It was a mistake!!!!

When you are told you should see a psychiatrist. You must!

You might want to check blog of our friend, My Loud Bipolar Whispers, she is making tremendous effort to raise awareness on the subject.

In the end I would just say. Every life is precious and deserves love, compassion and respect.

Take care of yourselves.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

Now where do i fit Crumb in it??

69 thoughts on “Ask for help. (Suicide)

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  1. Pingback: Suicide
  2. Just stay away from pointy stuff and high places and you’ll be fine. 😀 No kidding around now, good friends are hard to find. Now, when you learned your lesson, be there for other people and do try to be positive.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry you felt that way and I am extremely glad you called unicorn (she’s an amazing friend, like a precious diamond that you should never let go of).
    It’s so nice and strong of you to share such a personal moment to raise awareness. I hope you’re well and that your train of thoughts never goes back in that direction.

    Stay strong, you’re amazing ☺️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am absolutely fine. Just a bit shaken by yesterday’s experience. But if i handled it the 1st time i am sure i will be able to handle it if God forbid this happens again.
      Good thing it opened my eyes a little wider. Now i understand it better.

      Thabk alot for caring 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m glad you reached out. I’ve experienced those shots out of the blue too. That kind of impulsivity is terrifying. It leaves me wrecked after I have sorted it out. I hope things are better today.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Honestly? I called my therapist and made a sooner appointment. I felt like it was time to get professionals involved. That was my choice though and might not be yours.

        For the short term, I was vigilant for signs of distress that maybe I had missed. I spent a lot of time playing back the days, weeks and hours before it happened trying to see if there was any warning sign internally that I could maybe see again and “catch” it sooner.

        To be completely honest with you, I once acted on those feelings and I feel like I kind of have a sense of when they might come up even though I don’t fully understand them now, so I’ve been known to go to the ER with, “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be safe soon but I cannot tell you why.”

        Take it easy with yourself. Don’t push yourself or do anything super demanding for a couple of days. That is a sort of traumatic thing you just went through so don’t brush it off like it was nothing. Also, it’s kind of like a thermometer on where your head is at. Sometimes those thoughts are just an indication of your mental health. It’s probably a good idea if someone else in your life, especially a professional someone, knows that you had that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I m trying to think what might have triggered it but that is making me mentally exhausted. A friend called i couldn’t tell her what happened. I cant speak and repeat what happened. I just gave her link to this post and she was crying and all…

        What you told to ER is exactly what i felt. It was a shot of paranoia. I am kinda scared of myself.

        I just told my 2 friends so far i dont plan to involve family they dont live with me.

        I think i just might consider seeing a psychiatrist. I feel drained after this episode.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Drained is a good word for how I felt and feel when that happens. Kind of like a wet noodle (maybe you said that already)?

        I seriously recommend you going to talk to some kind of professional person that can help you sort it out. If you aren’t currently having the thoughts, it’s not likely someone is going to force you into a hospital. It’s more likely that they will express concern for you and help you with therapy and/or meds.

        Take care of yourself in the meantime. Like you said, make sure you have the national lifeline in your phone and you keep your phone around you. Stay safe.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Wet noodle..i dont know not my words.

        I know a doctor she is not psychiatrist she is specialist of my autoimmune but she help me when i was falling in depression i may go to her or maybe make my mind finally to see a proper psychiatrist.

        I m diverting my mind constantly. I feel tired now n i might dose of so i would really like to thank you from thw depths of my heart.

        You guys are simply amazing.
        Thank you for staying with me this means the world to me right now.

        Thanks a lot 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I have one overriding thought- none of us will make it anyway, so in the mean time -Rock it. Do what I have to do and make my mark on this world- then I can check out -like everybody else. Sorry, it sounds morbid- and probably makes no sense☺

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You sit yourself down and have a proper chat with yourself. Think about it this way- if it were your loved one who felt this way, what would you do? I just imagined it was speaking to my daughter.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. This is so terrifying i cant even imagine this. I am somebody who was the one trying to preach peole about Life.

        Well. I am trying to divert my mind. I might dose off soon i feel drained mentally.

        Thank aloy for staying here. This means a lot to me. I can’t thank you enough. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This post made me sad but know what,your experience made you reach out to people and educate so many about something most of us grapple with,and that is what is truly commendable,you have with your words given courage to so many, instilled hope and lent your shoulder to support. And yes on another note(a rather stern one) don’t u ever think anything like this,there are so many people who cherish you in our lives, and you have a role to play,sometimes might seem minimal but definitely significant.You are a treasure,and every day you share your gems with so many which is something not everybody does or can,so believe in yourself:)don’t you worry

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awwwww asma. I love you man!!

      Yar i did not just happened. Abhi my bff (sam) called and she was crying and saying all of this thats what i told her..i didn’t think.

      Thats the problem. I would never think about leaving people behind like this. Never.

      Thank u so much sweetheart. I dont even need to tell u how precious you are to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Depression and suicidal thoughts can just happen. There is no real reason why or when depression starts. When your dog dies, for example, people feel sad and that is normal reaction to that event in our life. When we have a mental illness there is sometimes no reason as to why we get depression or feel severe suicidal depression. It can just happen unfortunately. It is very hard to understand and it is hard for others not going through what you are going through to understand. That is why we must all educate about mental illness so people can understand. Depression and suicidal ideations can be a symptom of bipolar and other mental illnesses. Also, you can sometimes get increased depression or suicidal thoughts as a side effect from some antidepressants and related medications.Yes, it definitely warrants seeking medical treatment and getting help and talking to someone. You did the right thing. I hope this helped in some way. Hey and thank you for mentioning my blog in your post. I greatly appreciate that. I hope you are feeling better. Have a happy and healthy day. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is so accurate it is actually sad. Knowing how that feels, I do not wish for this to ever happen to anyone else. What kept me going through these cases is faith and a feeling of guilt, thinking about how God created me without any effort from me involved and how I cannot control any outcome in my life completely. All I can do is act and wait for the best outcome. I feel bad whenever I decide to end an opportunity that God gave me.
    This little voice that I told you about, this motherfucker is the problem, I wish I can shut it off forever. The problem is our emotions are so complex we cannot control them often. I hope we will one day, until then stay positive.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I know that many times in the past I could go from fine (or elated manic even) to severe mixed episodes that made me want to go to the hospital. It’s amazing how bipolar disorder can create such havoc in your head, either for little reason or no real reason at all. I know when I’m mixed I lose all commonsense and became scary impulsive.

    I have definitely been helped by either reaching out to people or having people with me during my worst times. I also got adequate help when it did get to the point of hospitalization. I am lucky that I am a talker and I am willing to spill out all of the bile and hopelessness, and other desperate stuff. It’s scary when a person isn’t willing or able.

    My youngest nephew has no friends and his father would not be one to talk to. My sister would listen. She’d take him to the hospital, but unfortunately the hospitals he went to didn’t help him enough. He had Asperger’s Syndrome on top of bipolar and hated group therapy or opening up to strangers. He held it all in, and I assume it tore him apart.

    The last time I saw him he seemed positive, but then only a couple of weeks later he was in the hospital. Then only a week passed before he was gone when he had the house to himself. It is devastating to my family. Though I can’t speak for them I have “should haves” and “could haves” streaming in my mind to this day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. oh God this is so heart breaking. i cant imagine the pain you all must have had to go through especially his parents.

      that was the whole point of this post we need to ask for help as soon as we sense it happening to us. it happens in seconds. talking to people, letting it out helps tremendously. i cant imagine what would have happened if i hadnt called my friend.

      on the other hand its high time we be there for our love ones and for everybody. the world is in a weird place…its depressing times. we all need help and support.

      somebody who look calm on the outside, like your nephew may be in a sad place in the inside.
      its time we look beyond our egos. its not helping anybody. we need to keep reaching out to our people and keep a check on them it helps us too.. kindness always comes back.

      sorry to hear about your nephew… may God rest his soul in peace.

      should haves and could haves cant change anything. all we can do is look forward and try to help each other.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Wasn’t it in May?? Mental health month??
        Its actually very tricky topic theres a battle on my 1st post on suicide like after every few days.

        But someone has to speak up. We cant act dumb to something thats right here in our faces.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hmm? Maybe May is Mental Health Month, but according to NAMI, the first week of October is Mental Health Awareness week. I guess there are both.

        I’m sorry you’ve got some battling going on in your 1st post. It’s a touchy subject. I remember reading one person’s blog post a while back basically putting down a person who commits suicide as being selfish. That really pissed me off. I got the feeling that that writer never experienced major suicidal ideations and certainly never lost a loved one to suicide. If she did, I kind of thought she was cold.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The problem arises when are are trying to stop people or trying to tell there is hope in life.
        If somebody is suicidal its difficult to make them understand and anything can trigger their emotions. After being on both the sides of the table i would just say best way is to keep talking to them.

        We cant give up on people. Or people will give up on us.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Hello There, This was a very good read. I myself attempted not once, but five times to commit suicide. (Obviously, I failed). Thank God. I was depressed since I was a child, and it worsened as I got older. I would drink gallons of wine a day and take Tylenol PM’s by the hand full, and pray I never wake up. I even went as far as doing all of the above, then wrapping a plastic bag around my head.
    Long story short, I was put into a hospital the and seen by several doctors, counselors, therapist and yes, psychiatrist. To this day, I still have a therapist, psychiatrist, and group meetings once a week.
    If you haven’t already, please read my blog entry under suicide.
    I’m so happy you didn’t leave this world because you have a voice that others need to hear. That was the main reason I began mine.
    Thank you for sharing your story, and God Bless Unicorn!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I m really short of words today. Having terrible anxiety. Please never stop trying to save yourself. Never ever.
      I might get back to this comment again. And will definitely check your blog.
      You are a hero. Every life is important. And today all i am doing is trying to save mine.


  10. this was so beautiful. i am so glad you’re here to tell your story. hits home for me. even in times of darkness, we are all somehow bonded. prayers for you. for nothing and for everything. please keep writing. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thanks hun. all my concept have recently flipped over as I recently lost a relative to suicide. but again there is one thing constant. if you feel somethings wrong ask for help. there is no shame in it. and seriously ask for help.
      this issue is way serious than we think it is

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi again ‘stoner on rollercoaster’ or N.F. Just discovered this post. Thank you for raising awareness about suicide. It is so far-reaching now. All over the world and anyone can fall prey to these impulses/urges. It just shows how out of touch we are with our inner and natural selves. Animals do not commit suicide !
    My sister committed suicide in 2011. The first and last time she attempted it. She planned it and made sure there was no return. She told no one. But said goodbye in little ways that we only understood afterwards for what they were. She left us at 49. She had her first depressive attacks at 17. I attempted three times, my first in 1994, but my life was never really threatened. My survival instinct was stronger: they were cries for help.
    Since 2013, I’ve stabilized and am managing my mood swings with light medication and thanks to a lot of work on self-knowledge. My husband and children have always been supportive, and they saved my life. Close friends have been very important too. But I couldn’t save my sister. That will always be a burden of guilt.
    Take care of yourself. Your writing/art is too precious to throw away.


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