I was in no mood of writing or reading today.
Last night saw another terrible anxiety attack that made its way to the blog. In a way it helped me. I don’t do it a lot. But it was way too much for me to handle alone. I needed it to exit my system before it would eat me alive. Here is my anxiety driven rant :The Anxious Battle for Sanity
Then I am thankful to Antonio Sanchez for beating my head into the mushy pulp again with his astounding drumming skills.
And to my friend who is such a good listener. Sometimes I wish he would talk more but maybe I am not giving him enough chance to speak.
And i thank academy..
I am in a better place now. No..i meant I am better.
Today was supposed to be a break from writing but then why it should be?? Just because some idiots caused me terrible anxiety that took hours of dressing to be able to be breathe again? well the breathing problem is partly because of sinusitis..
Why should I stop doing what I love to do because there are useless pathetic people who have nothing better to do than ruin everybody’s mental peace?
Few days back we talked about ferality, in my post The Feral
So today I feel I must talk about Tame too.
Because I want to…and I won’t stop!
Once my grandpa explained “when a plant is growing under our supervision we need to trim it.. prune it.. or it will grow wild and ugly”. Okay. I got it.
He meant that’s how kids should be raised, disciplined.
Discipline, manners, etiquettes I understand.
Killing dreams, I don’t!!
Sabotaging somebody’s inherent nature, I don’t!
And I can’t wrap my head around the concept that people who don’t even know how you feel end up deciding your life choices.
By ferality I didn’t mean staying filthy or running after people and biting them.
I didn’t mean any harm to others or oneself.
We are born a pod of seeds. If you burn all of the seeds and only let 1 or 2 of them survive, what results do you expect to see??
On the other hand if you nurture the whole pod with all of its seeds, big and small, week and strong, now imagine what it may bloom into.
I can’t look at these two words together, it’s suffocating me.
Since when taming humans became cornerstone of a civilization?
And who is running the civilization now??? Heartless hollow shells? they weren’t born like this.
Why do we have to follow a strict checklist?
That comprise of things that are only socially acceptable, actually socially remarkable!
Why do you have to tell somebody “you like this” or “you want this”. C’mon. How do you even know??
Social pressure is a form of abuse.
Marriages are becoming a social compromise.
Married couples are mentally pimped into having kids.
An age is assigned for everything.
We are stripped of our freedom to choose at an early age. There is this silent voice that dictates our choices. You can’t hear them but they are around you adultering your thought process.
Teens are just misunderstood 99% of the times. Not allowed to breathe fully. Never allowed to voice their opinion without fear of being ridiculed.
Creativity is slaughtered.
Kids are expected to be Einstein when they could be Picasso, Dali, Dante, Hemingway Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Vincent van Gogh, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael…(sorry. I know I started naming teenage ninja turtles)
Or athletes or dancers or musicians..it can go on an on..
Or something different from all of them, somebody greater than all of them.
Why do you want them to sit on a desk 9-5 doing something that drains them?
I am talking about very general perceptions here…I am sure a lot of us aren’t doing all of this anymore.
All we are concerned about is material growth. Fancier cars, bigger homes, club memberships, fashion, and all that crap.
What about individual growth, spiritual growth? Moral growth, not the one dictated by society. I am talking about actual moral growth.
Mental and emotional satisfaction.
What was I doing 25 years of my life??? The same thing! Ticking tiny vacant boxes of the checklist that was shoved in my hand the day I was born. And no. it wasn’t cruelty. It was done in my “best interest”
When did a truck full of really checks hit me??? When I wasn’t fit enough to tick any more boxes.
When I was frail mentally and physically. Withering like a dry autumn leaf. Dry and dead but still fighting to hold its colours until the last cell dries down by the harsh winds of our perfect society.
The taming process runs in circles..hands change.. approach remains the same..
The same person walks through all the chapters, one thing remains constant…taming!
You know what’s unbelievably ridiculous??? A point comes when we start doing it to ourselves.
When we are capable of earning and taking care of ourselves, do we stop?? NO!
When do we go back to ferality??? Purity?? Infancy???
When we fail as a tamer to our own self!
In the beginning of this year I started picking things I actually love.
10 months of impulsive decisions.
10 months of ferality.
10 months of madness. And I haven’t bitten anybody yet
10 months of telling myself I was more than a caged bird that was so immune to the confinement that it never tried to come out even though the door has been opened since a very long time.
It’s risky. I know.
We all need to feed ourselves, but trust me we can do that well with what we love too.
We don’t have to be another robot.
It’s risky. It lacks consistency, stability. But it’s satisfying..fulfilling.
Thanks for patiently reading, my fingers are still in inertia of last night’s anxiety.
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