The small pebble

“When was the last time you heard mom’s voice??” I got the message from my sister who lives in another country.

The question overthrew me. I had to hold a chair to keep my balance. I kept staring at the screen asking myself the same question.

“I called dad but I could never talk to her, it’s been like 12 – 15 days I haven’t heard her voice. This is scary. I called her a few times but they always give some excuse and just don’t put her on the phone. I haven’t heard her voice in background even.”

My mind raced to the worst nightmare I constantly try to deny. I just didn’t know how to respond. I sat down on the chair and recalled my recent calls to family. She was right. Dad keeps on giving excuses. But I was sure I heard her voice in the background.

“Let me try again.” I replied.

I called mom again and this time she talked for barely 1 – 2 minutes, talking about her condition, which was way worse than what I saw 2 months back. But at least I could hear her voice.

“Just talked to her, don’t worry” I replied to my sister.

All of this happened last week.

Today I called my Dad and told him I want to talk to mom, he took a deep breath, I could feel him gathering courage to let out words. But given the bond I share with him he can’t possibly hide anything from me he said, “she can’t talk. She just can’t talk. She screams in pain sometimes but can’t talk. doctors have stopped her treatment.”

The situation needed no further explanation.

My mom was diagnosed with last stage of cancer 2 years back. Her initial treatment and diagnosis was done at an internationally recognized reliable hospital. And they honestly told us to keep a few months in mind and my mom chose to come back and stay with my youngest siblings. This warrior woman has been fighting for 2 years now.

Scream?? My mom and screaming with pain?? My tiger mom has got unbelievably high threshold of pain. I can’t imagine her screaming with pain.

We would have succumbed to 10% of whatever she had endured in her life.

But this?? Now what??

There is always this one news, this one small pebble that’s coming to the hit the pivot of your whole world, your family.

And when you can actually see it coming towards you, at a snail pace, you just stand there helplessly waiting for the disaster to happen.

It’s the most disturbing thing.

My dad is a strong man and today he was on the brink of falling apart.

I chose not to talk about this as I was trying my blog to be a motivating place. A place where people wouldn’t feel depressed at least. i try.

But today I can’t hold back.

It’s too much.

My hands are shaking as I am typing this. I can’t say anything to anybody at home they all are standing on the same verge of sanity and a tiny nudge will be enough to through them in the pit of lava we all are staring at.

Some things are just not in our control.

i request you all remember her in your prayers. May God ease her pain. Ameen.

and pray for my dad too please he is really worried.

61 thoughts on “The small pebble

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  1. I’m so, so sorry to read this. We have this image from being children that our parents are larger than life, and invincible. Coming to the sobering realization that they are, in fact, mortal is hard as hell to take. Sending you prayers and hugs. 😔

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i can’t begin to describe what they had been planning and what actually happened. they were on my dad’s post retirement vacation when she was diagnosed.
      our whole world revolves around them.
      thanks for prayers and hugs. please keep praying, there’s nothing else anybody can do apparently.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think about it so often. I enlist strategies in my mind to cope with the situation when it befalls me, but I cannot. I shake the idea out of my head, because I just cannot fathom how will I do it.
    I can feel you.
    Im so sorry that the time has come for you and your family. May your mom find ease soon, and may your heart be strengthened by whatever it is that you believe in.
    Lots of love and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i always made strategies about how i am going to cope when my grandpa would leave me..and when it happened it was nothing like that.
      but my mom’s diagnosis was a shock. she isnt even 50 yet. and she was very healthy lively person.

      just keep praying for us.
      thanks for showing such compassion i really appriciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this. I won’t say I understand because I don’t, I can’t imagine what it’s like for you. I can only say that if I could take the pain away for you and your family I would. Thinking of you Wellyfish *hugs*.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. God. I didn’t mean to cause distress i just couldnt hold back today. Its 4.22 am here and i cant sleep. I am too numb all i can feel is fear.
      I know my dad has shed have of his weight diagnosis he cant eat or sleep. Its terrible.
      Well. Right we just need prayers.

      Like

  4. Dear Stoner ( I do not know your name , but you are one of the bloggers whom I read/follow religiously since I started posting in dailypost prompts )
    From the time since I started reading your blogs , I always had a picture of your family. In that picture , I never knew a darker side – it was all a bright picture . I wish and pray , Allah gives you the best . May he ease her pain , may he showers his mercy upon him . My heart aches as I read through . I couldn’t believe ‘coz I never imagined you had such great pain in your heart all these two long years .
    Lots of prayers and strength for you .

    Like

    1. Thank you so much manju i just dont know how to thank you right now for such compassion. I cherish your presence and i really really treasure people who have been around since the start of my blog you are one of them.

      We all have our storyy in layers..
      And i think i have a lot of layers. And most of them are dark.

      Thank you so kuch for such lovely prayers please please remember my ammi in prayers. And my dad too.

      Thanks a lot again.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Keeping you and yours in our prayers. I know this will be difficult to read but it’s important. Please tell your Mom you love her and she doesn’t have to fight anymore. It’s okay to stop. Sometimes that is all a loved one needs to know and it helps them so much for the next journey. I’ve been in your shoes and I’m sharing my experience with my grandma. The relief on her face I’ll never forget.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i exactly know what you are talking about. we all have been forcing her to fight (including herself). this needs to be conveyed to her. thank you so much for sharing this with me.
      i m going to her in a few days. i will definitely do this.
      thanks a lot for such thoughtful comment. i have a feeling this will make it easier for her.
      thanks

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh how heart-breaking. I have been at this place twice with immediate family. Such a fog. Father ps give wisdom, courage, and comfort to this precious family. May this be a special time of bonding as they grieve. May they lean on you and each other and find solace for the rough journey ahead. Thank you for your promise of eternity and that as they release her to you, they can have a firm hope that they will see her again, whole and healed! Ease her pain and be their strength.

    Is she on hospice?

    Like

  7. Lord hold Stoner’s mother in your healing embrace. Wrap your comfort around Stoner, his father, sister and everyone whose heart is heavy. Let them feel your presence. Give them joy and laughter through the darkness. Amen

    Liked by 1 person

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