Avalanche of unnecessary words.

For some reasons i am here one more day. But i am much better really.
I hate to involve so many lovely people emotionally in whatever is happening in my life.

But the problem is i can’t involve anybody else. This is so weird.

2 friends from My 911 gang recently had babies so they are having welcome party for both the babies. I havent even updated them about mom.

Sam was in the same position 5 years back. Same disease same relation, this month. I cant walk her through all the pain she had suffered already.

Family..needless to say some of them are in a worse state than me. One of my sister attended her convocation alone today. All alone.

I feel horrible writing all of this. I am putting really nice people in distress. But i cant do anything. I can write it in a journal but that doesn’t help me anymore.

Honestly you can totally avoid my posts for a few days i wont be able to write anything positive right now. I wont mind one bit. Not at all. I will add ‘im back’ or something in title when this phase passes. 

I asked my sis if i should take xanax (i have it with me all the time) she said that might numb you and we need to be in our senses right now.

I am in my senses i am not hearing anything anymore. Thank God.

Now this is so wierd. I can see the prompt brave. And this word hold such great significance in my life i don’t know if it helped me or ruined me.

All the life some extraordinary levels of bravery was expected from me because of a lot of factors.

That gave birth to habit of hiding pain from family. And my family became my biggest weakness. I had to look normal or brave when i was falling apart inside.

Long ago i started writing something ‘i wish i was weak..’ and its still incomplete.

I could easily attach this post to the prompt but i chose not to. As crying in front of people who dont know me as well as my existing friends is pointless right now.

And trust me i hate crying in front of people.
Shit. I am feeling so pethatic. 

21 thoughts on “Avalanche of unnecessary words.

Add yours

  1. Hello, Sweetie, I am so terribly sorry for all that you are enduring in life. There is no shame in speaking aloud and getting it out of your system. Your feelings are validated, and no one can say otherwise. Obviously, by all the comments that are being left here, we are all concerned.
    If you read my blog, Hell… I put everything out there. Why? Because I wanted so badly to help others that suffered the way you are.
    I only hope & pray for you that things iron themselves out and that you seek the attention of a therapist and/or better one for that matter. Your medication might have to be tweaked. God knows mine has numerous times.
    Again, my thoughts & prayers are with you.

    Like

  2. You are far from pathethic . It helps to get it all out . We are strangers and yet oddly we are friends . Let the words flow . Do whatever helps you to deal with what you are going through

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Everyday I wait for your posts. Somehow I feel we’re onto this journey with you, and even though we can not feel half the devastation that you feel while going through it, just know that we’ve got your back.
    And you’re in our prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

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