There’s something strange about loss and grief.
Please don’t get me wrong here. Bear with me. It will take time to sink in.
And it’s a long post and it might get sad, so you can totally avoid it if you want to.
Today my sister called and we both were discussing our plans how are we going to get home and when and have we packed. So we were talking, and we both were so stressed out, past few days just ruined our senses. And she said something and we both burst out laughing. It was weird helpless fit of stress laugh, but it suddenly work as a pain killer. It wasn’t even something funny.
In a moment I thought are we that horrible kids??
But no. this is not the case. We aren’t that bad. As I believe, it’s God’s way of preparing ourselves before the calamity.
Do you know when some calamity is going to hit, animals of that certain land leave that place. I read it somewhere. Now we are in a phase when we are coming to terms with reality.
It’s natural anesthesia.
Today I got up. I took care of things, and I could listen to some songs, and I could smile.
Oh by the way. Thank you so much all my lovely friends for being there for me last night. I was losing my mind. And I woke up with such magical words of kindness from you all and I was wayyyy better than before. I just love you guys.
Thank you so much. God bless you all. Ameen.
Well. Back to today.
So I can’t say I was absolutely fine. But I wasn’t dying.
When our call ended we both were much better. And I had a smile on my face.
My mind drifted to 10 months back and I understood the whole thing.
We lost my Grandpa in the beginning of this year. And my grandpa was very close to me. We both decided to sideline 1 whole generation, he was closer to me than my parents, and I was his daughter. I have no words to describe the relationship we shared. He was an exceptionally loving person and I was somebody he loved the most in the entire world. Now imagine how important I felt when he was around.
I was harboring this fear of losing him for last decade I guess. I always felt he was my everything I won’t be anything without him. Wherever I would be, whatever I would be doing, a sudden realization of time, age and how life works would leave me petrified and I would sit and cry as if I had lost him already.
We made a pact I was supposed call him every Saturday wherever I am. And anything in between was extra but Saturday calls were compulsory.
So wherever I was in my life, we never broke our pact and that fear just became a part of me.
But in his last few months. I don’t know how distance started creating between us.
It was like a cloud of light fog somehow managed to come between us and it was getting denser everyday and it was becoming harder to see each other through it.
The optional calls dropped to zero.
Nothing had happened actually there was no reason.
We were just drifting apart.
Then a time came when I didn’t want to talk to anybody including him and 16 days went by I didn’t call him. And nobody called me to tell me to call him (when he wanted to talk he would tell anybody to tell me to call as he didn’t have international calling).
Then I got my sister’s message that he had left us…
All I remember now is that I called my mom and I was hyperventilating. And my mom and brother were telling me to calm down. And then I blacked out. I have no clue what happened. I was conscious or not. I came back to senses after 30 minutes or so. I have no memory of those 30 minutes.
My family suggested I shouldn’t travel as my medicines were being tapered, but then they thought I might get worse if I don’t get to see him.
I booked earliest flight, started packing, popped an ibuprofen and off I went.
It took me total 6 7 hours to reach home and all this time I wasn’t crying much. My whole life with him was revolving in my head, each and every memory, and I was saving all of them. I wrote them down in my phone’s memo, in form of bullets. I secured all of our sweet memories I didn’t want to lose any of them.
When I got home everybody was worried about me and I was the one actually handling all of them emotionally.
Then I thought am I a horrible person?? Because I didn’t react the way I thought I would. I didn’t die.
I wasn’t even helplessly crying. I was actually coping well.
It’s not easy to talk about him though, even to my close friends.
I was blaming myself for that fog that settled between us before he left, but then I realize maybe this is how it is done to make it less painful for people who are left behind, so that you are not able to see them leave.
Today after talking to my sister I felt the same fog has started surrounding us. Not in form of distance, but in for of acceptance.
The anesthesia has started working maybe…
Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved