A sad pathetic joke.

My life is a sad pathetic joke.

An excruciating tragicomedy, mocking me in my face.

Today is my birthday. My 30th birthday.

Today it’s been 1 whole week without mom. I can’t say without mom as we all feel her presence as if she will appear from any door in her healthy form with some food or ironed cloths or anything. My mom was hyperactive and kept herself busy with chores all the time.

I hardly saw her empty handed.

I have a stack of dairies in front of me filled by mom with recipes, contact numbers, memos, tips and whatnot, that we siblings will distribute. And a whole bag of such dairies are in the study.

Well.

Back to the joke life played on me once again.

Few hours back when I couldn’t see my family at home I panicked. I thought they might be planning a surprise and I posted something, but deleted it instantly as they came back without a cake. I saw some bags but no cake. Thank God.

Well.

When I came home last week and had to walk on a mosaic of pain and comfort, smiles and tears. I locked my rib cage with a heavy iron lock and swallowed the key…once again!

I couldn’t help thinking about “the dress maker”, as I watched it recently it has deep impressions on my mind.

What is life?

I dress made of patchwork maybe. From embellishments to dusty rag. You can’t detach a single piece. You can’t straighten the innate complexities of the lines sketched on our palms.

I always told my friends my life’s a crazy rollercoaster ride. It has extremely unpredictable sharp violent turns.

And I mean it.

I just survived 8 days without anxiety. A lot was happening. But I don’t know how reality just dived straight into my mind, without evoking ripples. May be reality hasn’t even touched me yet.

I can feel mom’s presence everywhere.

It 1.00 am and I can’t face it.

I just can’t!

I feel I have lost ability to cry. My eyes do get damp, but they are guarding my tears, imprisoning them.

I am a mercurial person, for me to lose ability to cry is inexplicable.

I don’t want to breakdown. And if my family tried to celebrate…I have no idea what I will do.

I am sad mad angry and helpless. My grief is boiling so deep down its steam is dying on the way, failing to reach the surface.

Nobody from family has said “happy birthday” yet and Thank God they haven’t. I think they can’t say the word “happy”.

I already feel like running away and vanishing into the vacuum, that has sucked all my feelings already. I wish I was buried with mom.

I brought a beige dress and had whole look in my mind for this birthday. And I can’t even look at it now.

I don’t know what to do.

Ok..

Now I am crying..

A few tears managed to break free…just 1 2 tears I guess..and they are so weak they couldn’t even survive the journey to my chin.

What else this loss has weakened, I wonder.

Who would have thought losses could weaken tears.

I have seen a lot in life. A LOT!

But what is this??

This crippling confusion??

This sharp juxtaposition of soul stabbing shrieks and haunting silence.

This fear of the word “happy”??

How long pain manages to hide under the wraps numbness?

I reactivated my facebook to inform relatives and all about mom. But I deactivated yesterday. Didn’t want to put people in the same agonizing dilemma we are facing right now.

It’s just one day.

And this too shall pass…

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

46 thoughts on “A sad pathetic joke.”

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  1. I am sorry if this offends but ‘Happy Birthday!’ You need to hear it. Your mother would want you to be happy and while I know it isn’t likely for you to be happy so close to her passing it was a happy thing that you were born and a happy thing that you are still here. We lost my father completely unexpectedly 6 years ago now. I don’t think I have completely come to terms with it even now. Don’t bottle everything up, it will only do more damage in the end. I hope your next 30 years will see smaller hills and smoother turns on the coaster that is your life. God bless you and your family and give you comfort at this difficult time.

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    1. I must say i feel a little less horrible after reading your comment. Thank you so much for being here and helping me in this phase.
      I am so sorry about your father and now i understand how hard it must be for you.
      I saw my mom leave still i am in denial.
      I wish for a smoother ride too.
      I am trying not to bottle up things but its just happening. I can’t react.

      Thanks a lot again for supporting.

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  2. I agree with James. I believe nothing would make your mother sadder than having you miserable on your birthday. I hope you find some joy through your sorrow today. I am sorry for your loss, and wish you peace.

    Liked by 3 people

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  4. Don’t hate this day, don’t be angry. This day way back then, was one of the happiest days of your mum’s life. She bore this beautiful reflection of herself into this world. How happy she must have been to hold you close.
    Bear this pain for Allah. Some day, maybe in akhirah all this pain will make sense. The life of this world with all its pain will be worth the success of akhirah InshaAllah ❤️

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    1. Sometimes i feel like such a big sinner that i feel even this pain would be able to ease anything in akhirah. But well maybe it will. We know one thing theres ease after pain so this will balance out somewhere else.

      The rest time will fix hopefully. I will used to the fact eventually. Thats how it works.

      Thanks hun for being here and helping me stay sane.

      Liked by 1 person

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  7. I really want to hug you right now. I still will wish you a Happy Birthday despite your feelings at the moment . Whatever you have to do to let the pain out then just do it . I don’t think mum would want you to be miserable on this day that she gifted the world with your presence .I am here for you halfway around the world but here nonetheless . Sending my love . I hope it helps

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  8. When you suffer grief, there is only each single moment of pain, and the memories, but each moment moves on to the next, and the day comes when you remember a shared pleasure, or maybe the way she used to laugh, and you smile to yourself. A warm feeling will flow briefly through you. This is a breakthrough, and once it has happened it will happen again with increasing frequency.
    When my mother died I fought the pain, since it was too horrible – but the pain fought back in the shape of PTSD. For months I had episodes of writhing on the floor, whimpering. I hadn’t yet learned the secret that years of a different kind of grief later taught me; to curl up into a ball on a hard floor, and allow the suffering to sweep silently through me – just to lie there until I was able to say reassuring things to myself. Then I’d ask myself(out loud) if I was ready to stand up again. If I could calmly reply yes, I knew I was over the episode. It sounds crazy, but it worked for me.
    Deepest Sympathies on your loss. You have touched me deeply. As for your birthday, I hope that next year’s will be happier for you.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. You are a healer with words 🙂. I havent read a single word of yours that didnt leave an imprint on my heart.
      Its soulful to read your comment here. Thanks a lot.
      With grief we all find some way to let the wave pass. We all come up with our own formula or coping. I will find mine eventually. Right now the reality hasn’t been accepted by my mind. I fail to acknowledge that this has happened. But they are all phases. We cant stop the clock. I will get immune to this as well.

      Thank you so much once again. I highly appriciate your presence.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Yes, acceptance will come, and it will eventually be followed by peace, and gratitude that you had a parent who was worthy of your grief – not everybody has that. The shock that weaves you in and out of denial is a defence mechanism. It helps you to continue your daily life. No doubt you know all these things – there is nothing anyone can say that is not already understood, but the rhythm of the words, and the thoughts behind them may give a moment’s relief.

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  9. Back in January, my dad passed away two days after my birthday. We had been planning to celebrate over the weekend, but we never actually did. It was a tough time, and there are still days when the grief is a physical presence that surrounds me like a blanket. And there are other days when I can feel my dad right beside me, and I feel comforted. I have written about grief some in my blog. The first post is here: https://positivelyunbroken.com/2017/01/11/grief/ Other posts are under the tag “grief.” I find it helps to write it out. I get why you are not celebrating. I understand that this year, you may not be able to celebrate at all. I hope you can find peace. ❤

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    1. Thanks for understanding. I am so sorry for your loss. And i know what you must have felt.
      You just hate the word celebration and happiness.
      I will check your blog for sure.
      Writing abd drawing/sketching helps for sure. Creativity help you drain out the bitterness.

      Thanks for supporting.

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  10. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your mother. I can’t even fathom losing mine, although I know it’s inevitable. I can honestly admit that I would be the same exact way, I would not want to hear the word ‘Happy’ even though it is your birthday, but don’t chase that away if people wish you a happy birthday.
    It is very uncomfortable to read that you wish you were buried with your mother though. You have your entire life to live, and as much as you don’t want to hear this now…but, life has to move forward. You are stronger than you think, and you will get through this very difficult time.
    God Bless you & your family.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Thank you for extending your hand to support and share your strenght.
      At this point my conscience if fading. I dont know whats comfortable and whats uncomfortable. The lines have blurred and vanished.
      Nothing stops. We will learn to live with this fact.
      Thanks again

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  11. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don’t know her but being an older mom myself I am certain she would want you to be happy on your birthday, the day she gave you life. Try to focus on the wonderful life your mom had instead of the loss, she would want that. Happy Birthday!

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    1. You are absolutely right. Its just that its hard to stay positive at this stage. Things wont change but i will grow stronger over time. It takes time to sink in. Somewhere i am still in denial. I know i will be fine. And hopefully it will be different next year.
      Thank you so much. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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  12. Wish you a happy birthday. It must be very difficult for you and all I can do is send you my wishes, my strength and prayers to get through this loss. I can feel what you are going through and this pain will always be there. No one can replace a mom. Having said that, please don’t lock yourself and hate this day because this has been one of her special days… the day she gave you life and the day which gave her life a meaning. Your birthday is just not about you but your mom too who will be watching you no matter where she is. So please don’t be sad and try to be happy because that is what she would want you to do.

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  13. I agree with James as well. Hugging you dearly and wishing you dear, accepting people around, to be able to find comfort. May God bless your heart!

    Liked by 1 person

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  14. All you need right now is “sabar”. I pray that Allah grants you sabar. This is the biggest loss and know that only time will heal this but you’ll be fine inshaAllah. Have faith dear

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. I feel sorry for you loss. I read your last post but couldn’t comment anything because i couldnt find the right words. But my heart went out for you.
    Dont hate the day. Happy birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

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