There is something I learned second time in life, this very same year. And it’s important so I thought why not share it with you guys.

We cannot imprison our heart. Sometimes letting it wander free is better that trying to chain it.

When mom left, my brother had exam next day and he studied overnight and went to appear for exam. In the morning his eyes were telling he had been crying a lot but we didn’t say anything to him. We stayed with him but we let him muddle along the way he is comfortable with.

Now here is the thing.

People are still visiting for condolence. And when we talk to them about mom we don’t cry and wail, in fact we are normally smiling. Talking about all the fun we had with her in her last days and how peacefully she bid farewell to this world.

This gives people wrong impression. They assume either we are heartless or we are brainless.

And when they assume the later they think we have lost our minds. Because we talk as if mom is still with us.

Somebody told dad to renovate home to feel the “change”… this was the most ridiculous idea we have heard so far.

We were talking about this when my sis said “if we feel she is with us what’s wrong with it?? Isn’t it nice to feel her presence all the time? Why should we force something on ourselves that will only hurt us?”

This totally made sense.

Today we went out for dinner to the place mom liked and frequently dined at. She went there 2 3 days before her condition got worse. We didn’t force ourselves to believe she won’t be able to come here with us anymore.

Why should we? She is with us in our hearts, in our memories, words, everything. She gave birth to all of us we all have little bit of her within us.

It’s funny I never looked like her in my whole life. I look like my dad. But on her funeral 3 unrelated people told me that I have started to resemble her.

Even funnier, mom has red moles. It runs in her family. I never had them and now I have 2 of them. They appeared few months back, I even showed them to her.

So how can we even punish ourselves by believing she is not around? And why should we?

This reminded me of the movie “collateral beauty”. I watched it months back and instantly despised it and its concept. The movie has got the whole idea of loss and coping wrong! Will write about it some other day.

So today, we went out to eat.

Monkeys’ (my younger siblings) have resumed their classes. Right now they are watching some funny movie.

And guess what today we saw a kid scampering around in our home. I was on call and my whole family was running after him one by one, when they didn’t even know whose kid he was. He was really young couldn’t speak clearly he was just laughing and running.

We are sticking close to dad. He is really sensitive right now and we understand what he has lost. Handling him is real challenge.

I finally unpacked my bag of art supplies yesterday and have started putting them to use already. I posted a rough charcoal sketch in last post, I know it’s not pretty but it helped me. I am looking for charcoal drawing classes.

My friends came and told me they are just a call away whenever I want to go anywhere. So we may have a reunion after 5 years, finally.

So yea… we are living… I am not saying coming back to life as we never stopped living, we were deeply hurt, devastated when the demon attacked mom, but we didn’t give up on life or her.

Till her last breath mom was never reminded brutality of her illness and the stage she was diagnosed at. She kept living, and encouraged us to enjoy our life too.

This is our own formula of coming to terms with it.

Move on. Keep walking. Stick together. And let our hearts wander free.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

19 thoughts on “

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  1. No one has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t be grieving. There is no right or wrong way, you feel how you feel and react how you react. We are all different. It’s traditional in the UK to wear black and cry at funerals so when some ask that people wear colourful clothes and have a party to express the joy of that persons life, it shocks some people. You don’t have to justify yourself, whatever it takes to get you through this difficult time is the right thing for you and your family. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I thought it was an absolute blessing, for all involved, the way in which she was allowed to pass. I think y’all are doing great, the way all deaths should be handled. Together and in the cocoon of family and friend. Hers was a beautiful thing. Oh, and I FIRMLY believe she’s there with you. And she will be, always. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Well meaning people are just that, well meaning. I have probably told you this, and even though this post is 5 days old, I will say it anyway. “They say people die twice. Once when they take their last breath, and the second time when their name is spoken for the last time”. Say her name.

    Liked by 1 person

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