Constant numbness

I broke my guitar.

Yup. This happened today.

I was expecting guests. And as i keep my hobbies private. In fact everything very private i kept my guitar over a wardrobe.

And while cleaning home i slid open the wardrobe door and the guitar slipped down. Falling on the floor head first.

It was in its bag i opened the zip and saw a bruise on the top of its head. And kept it aside and went to cater to guests.

Once they left i checked its neck was broken.

I had this sinking feeling. I felt sad. But not for very long.

This is so strange as if i am not the same person i used to be.

I was so sensitive. Used to cry on little damages and loses. I was possessive about everything. I couldn’t let go of anything.

Kept everything safe. And i was always scared of losing things.

And now..i couldn’t cry.

Have i fallen deep into depression?

Have i become so strong that i just don’t get hurt easily.

The line from breakfast club flashed in front of my eyes “as we grow old our heart dies”

Is this what’s actually happening. Losing sensitivity… dying ability to feel anything.

This contant numbness.

I can let out the loudest craziest laugh when i am not feeling a trace of happiness. I feel nothing.

What are we becoming??

Is it just part and parcel of adulting?

I called sam and talked to her for 2 3 minutes and told her what i was feeling.

I asked her “have our hearts hardened to this point where we don’t feel pain”

She said “yes”

I dont know if its a good thing or not. Its just not natural.

Maybe i have suffered damage on a level after which a broken guitar looks nothing, no matter how important she has been for me.

I will check tomorow if i can get it repaired or i will have to let her go ..

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32 thoughts on “Constant numbness

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  1. People with anxiety are actually very helpful kind of folk to hang out with. Why? Well, they are in constant state of alert, so they tend to react when everybody else freeze. You react the same way. You keep your cool when chaos is presents itself. If you really think about it…. It is actually a a super power. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 3 people

      1. It’s pretty simple… DRUGS… πŸ˜€ Just joking. Your drunken way of going through life opens my creativity and make me search the long conversations I had with my professors. (I liked to debate them on everything, so some of them learned to respect me) πŸ˜€ I guess you were right all along. My life IS interesting… but not to me.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Yeah, easy for you to blame rakija… I don’t know are you allowed to taste alcohol or not, but I would really want to see you give it a sip. Don’t pity my professors, they fought valiantly. I often lost my battles, but I made them question theirs, which wasn’t that bad. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 2 people

      3. No.. i am not allowed. πŸ™‚ and this is one of very few sins i haven’t commited yet.

        Well. Only you could have made them question their own arguments. With the imagination of yours … i have an idea you must have given them tough time.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I find it irritating to hit like when a post needs sad button or something else. lol. I don’t like what happened.

    I am always glad to read to the end of your posts. You usually figure things out on your own. The good things are..Sam who always listens, and that you aren’t just letting it be. You are being proactive about “whats next” . Hope it gets fixed, if not….lots of your poetry is like songs, just keep on, while you wait.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. πŸ™‚ you are so amazingly observant. I dont even see things you see in my posts.
      I just realized by the end of every posts i pretty much know what to do. So looks like i am becoming sensible with time and experiences.
      And maybe this numbness is self defence against the situation. It still doesnt feel good though.


  3. I think your strength is helping you cope with the guitar falling. You didn’t break down, not because of being numb…
    Of course, you are going to have moments of depression, but you can not allow it to consume you. You are too strong for that.
    The guitar can be fixed, and you are allowing yourself to grow and be fixed as well. You’re doing alright. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t think our hearts are hardened, I think we’ve lost a touch to our hearts. There is a thick cloud of smoke between us and our hearts and nothing really penetrates it. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

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