The daunting vacuum

Recently i have had 4 conversations that reach a hopeless dead-end and i was left feeling empty, pathetic and useless.

None of the person wanted to make me feel that way, they were just talking trying to show me some light but it just skidded and stopped at the verge of the cliff, from where there is no coming back.

i was okay. Suddenly the same feeling started haunting me.

Same emptiness.

I cant explain what actually happened next. the moment i felt that vacuum i remembered the time i felt suicidal for the first time few months back.

i instantly started dropping messages to friends, the ones who know my situation. just telling that i am not feeling ok.

and i posted a 2 line blog posts.

i could feel that vacuum consuming me it was terrifying, i buried myself in my blanket.

one of my friends told me to get out of home ASAP. but there was a problem…i couldn’t move…i couldn’t just move to get out of bed let alone the home.

i am grateful to my friends who were trying to help me here through comment, i just wasn’t conscious enough to process what was happening on the blog.

that feeling was life threatening i cant just put it in words. a point came when i started feeling dizzy.

now i don’t remember if i had any sort of headache or something.

i just dropped the last message to my friend my head is heavy i might sleep and i was gone.

when i woke up i talked to sam, she helped me stabilize a little.

this is the second time this has happened.

Last time i could feel something telling me and i felt suicidal. this time there was no voice or anything like that.

Both the times after few minutes of stress i fell asleep (or thats what i am assuming).

last time i was scared for 2 days at least post that experience.

This time i am not that scared, and still feeling empty and now i am having headache.


whatever happened.

i have two things to talk about here.

since mom left, i have been acting normal all the time, but deep down there isn’t a moment when i don’t miss her. there is a huge void in my life that will never be filled.

She was always giving me hope. last 5 years have been tough for me and all this time she was there giving me hope. even during me treatment she would tell me i will get better i should be focusing on my health.

i have been skipping my appointments. i just don’t want to see a doctor, as i didn’t see the point.

i was losing motivation to live. i had nothing to look forward to. Maybe i still feel that way.

it was all normal until today. i told sam “i need to me told i need to get out of the mess i am dealing with. please tell me one day everything will be fine”

surviving without hope is just not possible.

Secondly, when you feel you are not ok. reach out!

i cant stress this enough. these sudden feelings are scary and can have horrible consequences. and the worst part is we don’t want those consequences. we actually want to live, to survive.

but when we hear voices, or such vacuum that feel like sucking your life, just call people or go to somebody if you can.

i have talked about this before to. there’s no shame in asking for help. and there is always somebody willing to help you.

i am still a bit numb. and this is going to take time.

But i really felt i should talk about this again.

if you suffer from any mental health issue, or you doubt you might be having it. don’t ignore these sudden bursts and try to stay connected to friends.

At least 4 5 close friends or family members must be aware of your condition. if possible give them your health update and inform them about your doctor/hospital/nurse/therapist.

and take care of yourselves.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

83 thoughts on “The daunting vacuum

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  1. Remember one thing when you have these bouts… there is at least one fellow blogger out there that looks forward to your posts… so please, keep blogging… no matter the thoughts… no matter the context…. you and your thoughts matter.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. 😀well Thanks for so much praise ❤ Now congrats you just have the chance to meet the same kangroo 😂 and first tell guy or girl ?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Have I mentioned DRUGS in previous post or not? 😀 C’mon, pull yourself together. Yup, it’s hard, but you can’t give up trying. You are growing stronger everyday. Don’t ruin the progress by having some dark thoughts. If I was any closer to you right now, we would…. um…. read newspapers and drink tea, or find a rollercoaster where we can pretend I am not scared of high places… (I hope you are smiling now) (wink if you are) 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sending you *hugs*, you’ve been through a lot wellyfish give yourself time. I’m glad you have friends who support you. I have had periods of numbness and suicidal thoughts/needs, I don’t like to say I understand how you feel because your mental health and suffering are individual to you but I can empathise. I hope this passes for you like a rainy day and the sun comes through the clouds. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you my fellow wellyfish.
      You are so right heath issues are exclusive to the the person and they are so hard to guess. I don’t know what it was this time. But i have lived in this state for 5 months and doctors said its depression. I worked hard to pull myself out of this. Bow this is happening again. Looks like i swing between anxiety and depression.
      There is just one thing that i know. I want to save myself and survive.
      It will take time but i dont want to end like this.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My eyes are leaking. This is a hard climb without your mom. Clearly you know the importance of acknowledging it. That is the first step. I think you are interesting. You know that already. Your heart is larger then “that attitude” that creeps out sometimes.<that was supposed to be funny. While you are trying to figure it all out, you make sure to acknowledge that if ANYONE else feels this, to reach out.

    Maybe today seems hopeless, but you still wrote a note to us and whether you know it or not, to your self. You should be in bed asleep by now. Rest…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I m tried hard to not fall into the pit. I am swinging between depression and anxiety. 1 of them is always present. But i know this is not how i want to end. I am fighting against my own fragments of mind its tough and painful.
      But i dont want to end up like this. So i will do something.


      1. Ya, it’s time. And because I forgot last post… You are loved.

        Hope? It’s how you inspire people, it’s how your novel gets published, its getting the guitar fixed, and it’s feeling better with a doctor visit. Go.

        It might not feel hopeful right now… it will.

        PS. . Don’t worry I won’t show up on your doorstep, but I did discuss a flight / trip with my husband. You matter. We will continue to drink cyber tea (or whatever you drink) right here.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I removed the post i did at that time didnt want to worry everybody here.

        I have to figure what to do first. There is too much that needs to be done.

        Dubai is a nice place to visit and the weather is great for next 5 months. But stoner isnt comfy with meeting people from this world yet. I can guide you though.

        These days i am running on coffee.

        Thanks for staying here and tolerating my stupid tantrums 🙂


      1. You are not stupid. Look, Stoner.. I am going to tell this just one time and one time alone. Being excessive dependent is basically inviting.. Trouble.. If you consider all the possibilities like you said.. You should consider the negatives. Sam is a good person.. A person with her own life.. She could very well say tomorrow, she doesn’t want to do anything with you. Then what.. You were alone.. Like me.. You are alone.. Like me.. You will be alone.. Unlike me.. If you don’t support yourself.. It’s good to have friends, family but just like the disease that inflicts your body, the pain suffering and anxiety you feel.. Cannot be fathom by anyone else.. That by nature make others not the solution but part of a problem.. You should be your own rival.. Don’t depend on people, they stab you repeatedly.. Sometimes from the front, sometimes from the back..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Whatever you are saying is right.
        But when this happens i get scared. I am naive.
        This was the second time i thought i might end up harming myself. And i felt that deeply. It was the fear i didnt get out of bed. All of this is as real as breathing. I am not overthinking. I calculated everything. When this happens i end up getting tired and falling asleep in broad day light.

        If i dont do this i am afraid i might hurt myself. You dont know complete picture.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You are scared because the feeling is new. I know of a similar experience. But the instinct of harming yourself, is not new. You should do something yourself. Go out of bed. If the instinct of your body isn’t cooperative then take control of your body.. Control the problem is you want to see results immediately.. It doesn’t work like that.. Instead you have addicted yourself with an idea of escapade.. Confront it… Don’t fall into the spiral..

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I don’t know.. Find your own path..Don’t fall into this spiral.. People are going to support you.. Because this elevates their own significance.. It’s psychological.. If you want to be this emotional stoner.. Go ahead.. If you want to help yourself.. Pick a shovel of your thoughts and start digging for help inside your own mind..

        Liked by 1 person

      5. And if it helps…you alone.. Will be..I wouldn’t have any role.. Remember if it succeeds.. You alone have done it.. No matter how an idiot tries to tell you he/she has some role.. In it..

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow.
      I kept going through the comments quickly waiting for, ‘hey I was just messing with you’ part, but no! You aren’t really kidding, which is appalling.
      You sir/madam, are completely oblivious to the state of affairs of another being. I would point out how hollow your argument is, but it’s of no use. So I’ll let it be.

      Hey Stoner! Please do not consider this ANYTHING more than a test of your patience. Do not even bother to listen. Consider this the word of someone who knows the process you’re going through, who made it to the other end, and I promise you he/she is wrong.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with such a hard time now, really hope you find a way out of it soon. And I think it’s a good thing that you write about it, it’s good for you and probably many many more people..

    Liked by 1 person

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