Recently i have had 4 conversations that reach a hopeless dead-end and i was left feeling empty, pathetic and useless.
None of the person wanted to make me feel that way, they were just talking trying to show me some light but it just skidded and stopped at the verge of the cliff, from where there is no coming back.
i was okay. Suddenly the same feeling started haunting me.
I cant explain what actually happened next. the moment i felt that vacuum i remembered the time i felt suicidal for the first time few months back.
i instantly started dropping messages to friends, the ones who know my situation. just telling that i am not feeling ok.
and i posted a 2 line blog posts.
i could feel that vacuum consuming me it was terrifying, i buried myself in my blanket.
one of my friends told me to get out of home ASAP. but there was a problem…i couldn’t move…i couldn’t just move to get out of bed let alone the home.
i am grateful to my friends who were trying to help me here through comment, i just wasn’t conscious enough to process what was happening on the blog.
that feeling was life threatening i cant just put it in words. a point came when i started feeling dizzy.
now i don’t remember if i had any sort of headache or something.
i just dropped the last message to my friend my head is heavy i might sleep and i was gone.
when i woke up i talked to sam, she helped me stabilize a little.
this is the second time this has happened.
Last time i could feel something telling me and i felt suicidal. this time there was no voice or anything like that.
Both the times after few minutes of stress i fell asleep (or thats what i am assuming).
last time i was scared for 2 days at least post that experience.
This time i am not that scared, and still feeling empty and now i am having headache.
i have two things to talk about here.
since mom left, i have been acting normal all the time, but deep down there isn’t a moment when i don’t miss her. there is a huge void in my life that will never be filled.
She was always giving me hope. last 5 years have been tough for me and all this time she was there giving me hope. even during me treatment she would tell me i will get better i should be focusing on my health.
i have been skipping my appointments. i just don’t want to see a doctor, as i didn’t see the point.
i was losing motivation to live. i had nothing to look forward to. Maybe i still feel that way.
it was all normal until today. i told sam “i need to me told i need to get out of the mess i am dealing with. please tell me one day everything will be fine”
surviving without hope is just not possible.
Secondly, when you feel you are not ok. reach out!
i cant stress this enough. these sudden feelings are scary and can have horrible consequences. and the worst part is we don’t want those consequences. we actually want to live, to survive.
but when we hear voices, or such vacuum that feel like sucking your life, just call people or go to somebody if you can.
i have talked about this before to. there’s no shame in asking for help. and there is always somebody willing to help you.
i am still a bit numb. and this is going to take time.
But i really felt i should talk about this again.
if you suffer from any mental health issue, or you doubt you might be having it. don’t ignore these sudden bursts and try to stay connected to friends.
At least 4 5 close friends or family members must be aware of your condition. if possible give them your health update and inform them about your doctor/hospital/nurse/therapist.
and take care of yourselves.
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