warning: you can totally avoid reading this post if you have something important to do it’s full of random gibberish.
you can just look at the pastel work and move on to save time.
I slept smiling and I woke up smiling. Talked to my baby brother last night. this weird baby is 11 years younger and 13 inches taller than me.
Whenever I talk to him I feel a strong invisible bond between me and my family. which is hard to see..but its there. you can sense it in the times when we need each other.
or when we have long nonsensical conversations.
I don’t feel unmoored.
I am having one of those idontknowwhatiamdoing days. but honestly thats how I feel every day.
started day normally with yesterday’s leftover meal and black coffee.
then sat down with black paper and pastels.
and did this..
and then I went on to do something I had been planning for days.
I deactivated my Facebook messenger too.
I deactivated my Facebook somewhere in last august and it earn me unfathomable peace. I had tons of reasons to do that. but they were all jumbled up. if you ask me why maybe I won’t be able to answer.
maybe I was just too tired of looking at a glossy useless magazine. where everybody was going to unbelievable lengths proving they are some celebrity.
seriously?? why do we even need to do this??
don’t we know what fame does??
get your name known at 5 places and its already a call for disaster.
maybe everybody else has a different experience but being cyber bullied in my teens when I wasn’t even famous, I wish I could completely change my identity.
I just wanted to hide. bury myself.
well. things got better. thanks to family and true friends.
but the scars are permanent.
well. back to Facebook.
facebook was my only social media presence. I made a twitter account never used it and now I don’t even remember it.
my siblings told me I should have an Insta account. I did that too. I didn’t know whats happening there..so that became dormant too.
since I started my blog I became comfortable with this place.
and the farther I ventured into blogosphere that shallower fb seemed to me.
so 1 day I just shut it. I left my fb messenger active as I had 250+ friends and relatives there. most of my relatives were there so I didn’t have to ask for numbers to contact anybody.
now. it was becoming a useless space.
clutter. that was just taking up space and instilling negativity.
well. out of 250+ people only 1 2 would actually bother to drop a message to show concern or talk generally.
the rest would only reach out when they had to ask a favor.
the rest were just there.
looking at the messenger was triggering my anxiety which I have got relatively under control these days.
people close to me converse with me on WhatsApp.
well. I talked to Sam. she said do what feels right. and if doing this brings me peace I should go for it.
but she said this is something to worry about. I am running away from human interaction. and she was right.
closest friends and family are concerned one day I might actually turn into a hermit. mentally and emotionally I already have.
I don’t know.
well I deactivated messenger.
will reactivate when I need to.
have a lot to do. and I keep myself really busy. but still I end up feeling I haven’t done anything.
even worse that I can’t do anything