Warning: if you are in a happy romantic mood please avoid this post..
First text of the day was from sam “i love you, happy valentines day, don’t sulk and eat chocolates”
When you have been best friends with somebody for 20 years they know when and what to say to you. They just know you too well maybe sometimes more than you do.
I am proud of my loony gang. I have known the closest ones (sam & zazu) for 20 years now. They just know me.
I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.
Next thing, I got call from my hospital. They can’t operate me. And weird stages followed. Numbness and then I was laughing at myself like a lunatic.
Laughing at the misery. No matter how hard people try to make things easier for me I keep screwing my life..
It’s been 3 hours already I couldn’t tell this to anybody everyone was waiting for this call and we wanted to hear something else.
I texted sam, I got “hang in there” will talk when she is free.
I called dad ..it’s been like a month I haven’t talked to him I guess..his phone was off..must be sleeping..or in a meeting or something..
Maybe its better I couldn’t talk to him right now.
I don’t know how to break it to everyone I might have to stay like this for rest of my life. I learned to live with it but somewhere I was hopeful I will be back to my normal self.
I am already in a scary place.
Its like I have a burning pit inside me I am dousing myself with kerosene.
I have had anxiety but this..i don’t even know what is this..
When you are just losing sanity and try hard to hold onto it and failing every moment.
A slight loss of balance and I will slip all the way to the grave.
Chugged down 2 cups of black coffee the darkest I could take…didnt help
Tried reading poetry loud, tried listening to it…didn’t work either.
I feel I am going to explode today..
I am completely clueless..i don’t know what I am going to do now.
And I don’t think anything can help me from here..it feels like a lost battle already..
And I am just afraid of myself..
how and when I let myself succumb to my madness, I’m terrified.
Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved