For some reasons I stopped praying long ago and this is not something I am proud of. I just went into the state of despair where you stop asking and you start thinking ok this is life, this is how it is.
People still remember me as somebody who used to pray regularly so whenever they tell me to pray for them I do. But for myself I haven’t in a long time.
There was a part of me that would tell me “you prayed and look it didn’t work”.
Last few days have been horrible. I can’t even explain. I was Constantly sinking into depression and it was so scary I was actually missing anxiety.
Anxiety is my normal, depression crippled me.
Today I checked I lost 1 more kg, and I don’t even remember the last time I went to gym and I ate when I actually started feeling weak and my head started to go dizzy, same was happening with water too. I just haven’t eaten properly last few days.
Things to remember; if you are suffering from depression avoid long hot bath. I just saved myself from an accident. You lose the track of time. Take quick showers and safest place is your bed our couch. Stay there!
Secondly, be careful in the kitchen that’s the place I avoid when I have any hint of suicidal pang, thats where knifes fire and all are.
If you are cooking use a timer. I had to eat burnt nuggets today.
This might sound too much but honestly its so numbing you just don’t know whats happening to you.
I lost the track of days and time..
You are just lost in a huge void.
And you want to get out of it but you can’t.
No matter how hard you try you are just mentally paralysed.
After being like that for days today I was about to crash.
I had weird feeling in my left side that was alarming. I still have it a little bit.
Everything was just building up inside because dad isn’t well family is going through alot already I couldn’t even openly tell sam.
So, I was cleaning my room and I thought maybe pastels will help..
I made this..totally clueless..
Honestly it didn’t help.
I was desperately searching for any trace of light in pitch darkness.
And the way may health was going down I was like…okay so this is how I m gonna die without even attempting suicide. This is the end.
I was worried about dad I was fighting it but I had a feeling if it went down like this I am going..i wont be able to survive this..
Then it just happened..i ask Allah please help me. I dont even remember what I asked exactly.
And I saw it.
I little speck of a light. Then it started giving its light and it wasn’t that dark anymore.
I was laughing so hard I was actually shocked.
I know I can’t go back to be normal just like that..but I feel so much better its unbelievable.
It was nothing short of a miracle.
My friend says when you can’t do anything just leave it in God’s hands with complete faith that he will fix everything.
Thanks alot my friends here who prayed for me. Please keep me and my family in your prayers I dont think anything else can help us right now. we all are already doing what we can.
And it’s your prayers that have helped me I am sure things will get better with time.
Thanks for reading. I just wanted to share as I know you all really care about me.
I am much better right now. 🙂
Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved