It’s a glass bubble
Nobody deserves to be trapped in
You see people talking
But you can’t hear them
They can see you suffer
But they cant help you
You are holding your sanity tight
But it keeps slipping away
Like sand from your hands
Like soul departing a body
Leaving it gray
You know what’s worse?
It’s a glass bubble
People who actually care
Can see you
Slowly turning gray and lifeless
I wish i could hear them
I could talk to them
And tell them i will be fine
I wish i could break
This fragile glass bubble
That’s just as weak
But this numbness
This creepy silence
Doesn’t let me function
Doesn’t even let me breath
It’s suffocating in here
The pain it’s inflicting is insane
Only if suicide wasn’t forbidden
I wouldn’t be sitting here writing
Every few hours I feel smothered
I feel skin of head tightening
Crushing my veins
I can’t fucking breathe
Its scary in here
Scary tormenting numbing..
I dont remember last time I wrote something here. Because I couldn’t. It was 21st feb..because….
yea..reality of this virtual place..all you have to do is go away for a few days and you will be forgotten. Vanished into thin air. You can’t blame people they do have a life.
I am really grateful for friends who noticed and reached out and tried to help. I am sorry if I couldn’t reply properly I am not just sane enough. Still thank you so much.
You cant blame anyone if you chose to punish yourself or if you cant just help yourself. If you succumbed to emotional stampede you willingly jumped into.
When you happily started poisoning yourself. Its self-immolation without a cause.
But can we do anything about it.
In few minutes of the day when I am sane I tell myself “people who cant see you have a heart too don’t deserve your feelings. Don’t let anybody dictate your feelings. They are yours only. You know yourself best.”
But it doesn’t work. It’s like I am lying to myself.
Can you fight your heart??? Answer is a big NO!
Try it. With every brain cell of yours. With every logic you could think of. You cant fight your heart.
I tried to give myself a closure. I tried to help myself. I told myself I need a proper closure I will be fine..but I couldn’t do that.
There is nothing that can help.
My sis is here with my xanax stash. She was surprised I told her to bring it as I have taken half of a xanax in my whole life. I avoided meds for anxiety as I could always handle myself with something or other and I know how dangerous these meds can be once you are addicted.
She gave it to me and said “dont get addicted to it why did you ask for this?” She was literally searching for an explanation.
Within few hours of her arrival she saw me zoning out twice. Zoning out is hard to explain. She didn’t nudge me fearing she might shock me. And she isn’t fully aware of my condition. She is here with her kids and it hurts to see them looking at me confused like they don’t recognize me.
I was just popping xanax and sleeping..sort of..for like 3 4 day..i dont have memory of those days. I locked myself.
She suggested we go see a doc. At one point she wanted to take me to ER. I still dont know why I actually forgot ask her why. When I asked later she said..nothing..i dont know..
I refused. Lets face it. We know the tag mental illness puts a full stop on alot of things in your life. I am not doing it to myself until unless i really need to. And she was around i know i wont hurt myself.
One day her kids dragged me to Motiongate. Oh, her kids are here too..remember Soey and Jerry?? I posted about them long ago. Jerry is a big man now he is 10 turning 11 soon and he says we are the best team! And I agree.
This little man is a genius. He is already gathering material for his youtube channel. We dont want him to dive into this world yet its a crazy place.
Well. Motiongate an awesome amusement park. Its part of Dubai Parks and Resorts. Me and Jerry are obsessed with crazy fast rides. We are the only mad people of the family the rest of them get scared.
Hopping on one rollercoaster after other did help my brain fluids. I will never understand this science. In a weird way the thrill gave me few hours of normalcy.
If you are anywhere near Dubai you have to go there..its worth it.
But the moment i came back and my head touched my pillow that dark gray cloud was back.
I am hating this.
I am running after shadows in mist that too in circles..its insane.
Even worse my loved ones can see it. Its everywhere.
I didnt get pictures of myself as I know they will share it with dad and he can see right through me. And yet he asked why I m not there in the pics.
I am hating this whole situation.
Its ruining me and everything around me. Including my ambitions.
I wish there was a Restart button. Not that I regret anything…just that I feel its going to take my life.
Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved