Trapped

Numbness

It’s a glass bubble

Nobody deserves to be trapped in

You see people talking

But you can’t hear them

They can see you suffer

But they cant help you

You are holding your sanity tight

But it keeps slipping away

Like sand from your hands

Like soul departing a body

Leaving it gray

Withered

Lifeless

You know what’s worse?

It’s a glass bubble

People who actually care

Can see you

Slowly turning gray and lifeless

I wish i could hear them

I could talk to them

And tell them i will be fine

I wish i could break

This fragile glass bubble

That’s just as weak

As me

But this numbness

This creepy silence

Doesn’t let me function

Doesn’t even let me breath

It’s suffocating in here

The pain it’s inflicting is insane

Only if suicide wasn’t forbidden

I wouldn’t be sitting here writing

Every few hours I feel smothered

Literally

I feel skin of head tightening

Crushing my veins

I can’t fucking breathe

Its scary in here

Scary tormenting numbing..

…….

I dont remember last time I wrote something here. Because I couldn’t. It was 21st feb..because….

Screen Shot 2018-03-01 at 10.45.27 PM

yea..reality of this virtual place..all you have to do is go away for a few days and you will be forgotten. Vanished into thin air. You can’t blame people they do have a life.

I am really grateful for friends who noticed and reached out and tried to help. I am sorry if I couldn’t reply properly I am not just sane enough. Still thank you so much.

You cant blame anyone if you chose to punish yourself or if you cant just help yourself. If you succumbed to emotional stampede you willingly jumped into.

When you happily started poisoning yourself. Its self-immolation without a cause.

But can we do anything about it.

In few minutes of the day when I am sane I tell myself “people who cant see you have a heart too don’t deserve your feelings. Don’t let anybody dictate your feelings. They are yours only. You know yourself best.”

But it doesn’t work. It’s like I am lying to myself.

Can you fight your heart??? Answer is a big NO!

Try it. With every brain cell of yours. With every logic you could think of. You cant fight your heart.

I tried to give myself a closure. I tried to help myself. I told myself I need a proper closure I will be fine..but I couldn’t do that.

There is nothing that can help.

My sis is here with my xanax stash. She was surprised I told her to bring it as I have taken half of a xanax in my whole life. I avoided meds for anxiety as I could always handle myself with something or other and I know how dangerous these meds can be once you are addicted.

She gave it to me and said “dont get addicted to it why did you ask for this?” She was literally searching for an explanation.

Within few hours of her arrival she saw me zoning out twice. Zoning out is hard to explain. She didn’t nudge me fearing she might shock me. And she isn’t fully aware of my condition. She is here with her kids and it hurts to see them looking at me confused like they don’t recognize me.

I was just popping xanax and sleeping..sort of..for like 3 4 day..i dont have memory of those days. I locked myself.

She suggested we go see a doc. At one point she wanted to take me to ER. I still dont know why I actually forgot ask her why. When I asked later she said..nothing..i dont know..

I refused. Lets face it. We know the tag mental illness puts a full stop on alot of things in your life. I am not doing it to myself until unless i really need to. And she was around i know i wont hurt myself.

One day her kids dragged me to Motiongate. Oh, her kids are here too..remember Soey and Jerry?? I posted about them long ago. Jerry is a big man now he is 10 turning 11 soon and he says we are the best team! And I agree.

This little man is a genius. He is already gathering material for his youtube channel. We dont want him to dive into this world yet its a crazy place.

Well. Motiongate  an awesome amusement park. Its part of Dubai Parks and Resorts. Me and Jerry are obsessed with crazy fast rides. We are the only mad people of the family the rest of them get scared.

Hopping on one rollercoaster after other did help my brain fluids. I will never understand this science. In a weird way the thrill gave me few hours of normalcy.

If you are anywhere near Dubai you have to go there..its worth it.

But the moment i came back and my head touched my pillow that dark gray cloud was back.

I am hating this.

I am running after shadows in mist that too in circles..its insane.

Even worse my loved ones can see it. Its everywhere.

I didnt get pictures of myself as I know they will share it with dad and he can see right through me. And yet he asked why I m not there in the pics.

I am hating this whole situation.

Its ruining me and everything around me. Including my ambitions.

I wish there was a Restart button. Not that I regret anything…just that I feel its going to take my life.

Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

91 thoughts on “Trapped”

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  2. I am so sorry things haven’t gotten better for you, with the exception of fast rides. The thrill and level of dopamine kicked in, and that’s why you felt a bit better from them. See… That’s all you need… go to the amusement parks to feel better or build one in your yard. Kidding. I only hope you feel better real soon. 🙂

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      2. You have done it already. Theres nothing else we can do for each other. We can just try.
        And leave the rest to the fate and time. I have been thinking alot and i really tried but nothing helped. So maybe its just the time is bad.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You are more than just depressed. It sounds like you are chemically depressed. You need something different than what you are taking. I’m not a doctor in anyway, but you need to see one, right away. If you want to get through this, you have to stop refusing help. Prescriptions for chemical imbalances are not the same as opiods ehere you become a drug addict. You may have to be on life long prescriptions, but they are not opiods. See a doctor. I wish I could help you, but I can’t help you from here, not even if I was there. You are refusing help because you think you can deal with it on your own. Please get help! I told you about the other blog, she was rescued and is recovering a little each day. At least today, you wrote a post. You read the reader and found the daily prompt and wrote. That is a good sign, but not enough, please get help.

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    1. I am gradually telling my sis. You know it would be too much information suddenly just want her to be aware and we lost a family member to suicide few months back so they have started to accept mental health issues. I just had a talk with her and she was understanding. I will see a few more days..then maybe i will have to. I just hope i dont have to.

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      3. I understand not wanting to involve anyone else, but….eventually, you will have to grt someone else involved, in order to get better. Only you can make that choice, when you are ready. I won’t keep bugging you about it, as I may only make things worse, but know I care about you and so do others.

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  5. I agree with the above advice.. and I haven’t forgotten you! I was missing your posts and went checking if I’m still following … and I was concerned about the silence ..

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  6. I can’t tell you to soldier up and fight this, but every army has its weak spot as every problem. You must not give up fighting if you want victory. If you fight your heart head on you will certainly lose, but you can make a battle tactic and then start fighting your inner problems.

    Find what is causing that problem, learn about the damn thing and find what that problem don’t likes. You had fun and you felt better. There you go. You need more fun in life, more laughter, more people to cheer you up.

    Be brave, be courageous, be free to do whatever you want, enjoy this life. Second chances are rare. Win this battle, then win some more, then become victorious and you will have no problems like that heading your way. We are here. We are waiting to help you. We got your back.

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      2. Glad to know. I was kidding i know you would have wondered at least. This is just the difference between real world and virtual world. This reminds me of a woman who arranged her fake funeral to see how many people actually cared and nobody did. Nobody arrived to the funeral.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I am sorry to hear that. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been to you. I have friends who also struggle with anxiety and they describe similar stories to the one you wrote, and some of them told me that talking to someone when they experience these episodes can be helpful. You may try this.
    Honestly, I am also glad that you are back to blogging.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. I have always had anxiety and i am just immune to it. This is a swing between anxiety and depression thats been really scary and impossible to handle.
      I have been trying to wrote but i couldnt i have been away from blog for this long even when i lost my mom i was back in 2 days. This time everything is out of control.
      Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Please seek help by talking to your sister or a health professional. It is easy for some people to miss signs of depression. Please let me know if I can be of any help. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have friends who understand. But i just dont want to burden them with my emotional and mental problems. And honestly i dont think anyone can help right now. Depression is right in my face theres no doubt about it.
        I will let you know thanks alot 🙂.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Reaching out for help can be scary…but sweet one, it is absolutely necessary. No one can go it alone. At some point every one of us needed a friend, relative or someone else we felt close enough to to talk with. Little bits. Then a little more. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll feel comfortable and confident enough to reach out. You are loved. Sometimes family doesn’t understand or can’t equate with what’s happening, either too frightened, too unsure, to scared of saying the wrong thing. In that case, talk with ONE person, just one that hears you and you feel heard by. You’re worth it! Please repeat that to yourself. I’m Worth It! as many times as you need to a day! It sounds like it’s not much, but it means worlds!

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    1. My friend is that one person who just know me perfectly and guess what i did to her. I didnt talk to her in these days. Even when i did i was so dizzy i dont remmeber our conversation. She had an accident last week and i dont remember her telling me. I dont think i was able to tell her anything. Its like for 3 4 days i was unconcious.

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  15. I cannot agree more than frezzeledagain that you definitely need help we are always here for you but you need medical help if you want to stop yourself from feeling like this. Hope you feel better soon!! Keep us in the loop.

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  16. On a trip to India, we had a stop over in Dubai so we took the train from the airport to the Dubai Mall. The city was lovely and the mall was very impressive. We didn’t make it to Motiongate. I know we are only WordPress acquaintances but I do pray that peace and healing will come and visit you soon, and that your health will be restored….”Salaam”

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    1. People stop here alot. Dubai mall is major highlight because of dubai fountain burj khalifa and dubai aquarium. Overall the whole country is expensive. Before going choosing the park check reviews for all dubai parks IMG world and farrari world (abu dhabi) then decide. We chose it because of the ages of kids.
      Thanks for prayer. InshAllah Ameen. Walaikumasalam

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  17. Oh, sweet Rollercoaster, the many people on WordPress have spread their wings of love with their words. Depression is a well talked about, but little known about how to help the individual experiencing the loneliness and darkness when every else seems happy and bright. Please, do me one favor, come back and write even if it’s only one line. If it’s only one line. Maybe even post a photo to go with it. Because, your pain is being felt and your cries are being heard through your post. Other are being help with your post. Every time I have time to read your words, it a window to my daughter-in-law’s dark depression experiences. You help me, understand her and leave my judgement far away from her, when I enter her home. It’s hard to see how my son, her and my two grandsons live. All I can do is clean every time I go see them, if it doesn’t stress her out. But, I always pray and wait for a miracle. If you don’t mind, I will be praying for you as well. I’ve never met you, but somehow, I love you, just as much as my daughter-in-law. Take care Sweet Rollercoaster. Until next time.

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment. Its biggest motivation for me. I will come back and i will write. I always thought my friend was calm and collected when she was breaking down inside because of depression. Now i know what it does to you. You can see anxiety a person is fidgety and all..depression is just invisible. People who care can see that too but they cant tell whats happening. A person sleeping for hours is considered lazy. Only answer is to just be kind to everyone. We don’t know what they are going through.
      May God help your daughter in law and her family. Its too much to deal with.

      Liked by 1 person

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  25. Your post is deep and cries out. Im not sure where you are as this as the first time i have been on for a while. I dealt with anger before and I found the only thing to help was to step out and admit I was angry, address the cause of my anger. My role in it and then find others to support me in a group setting. I found a group called Celebrate Recovery near me and I went through a year or more of an in depth 12 step. This was huge for me. Im not exploding in pent up anger anymore. You may try looking for one near you and ask for some help that way. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. I am over that phase. it was frustrating and depressing. and the only way in my case was to give up and let it be and stop trying if something is just not worth it.
      I do have a group of friends. not single group. like different friends who I run to every time and they just put me back on track mentally.
      I just got help from them recently and I am glad I did. I couldn’t handle it alone.

      thanks alot for reading caring and sharing 😊

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  28. Mental Health is important, my kids drag me around about having something. I wake early. I socialize. I rarely drink. I am not angry. I don’t “see” things. Or hear voices. I am fortunate, I know. I am 53, though, I guess, I should have something. My kids are 24, 32. They are living out on their own, I literally see them 2x a year, nowadays. Anyway, I feel bad for you, you seem to have an in sight on your feelings. I hope you keep going, your writing is a great read, good luck.

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    1. Some problems are visible some aren’t. sometimes we dont even know what we have.
      dont feel bad for me. we all have our highs and lows. I am just used to it now. I have accepted the fact that my life is going to be like this. and I m ok with most of it now.

      you are lucky indeed. 🙂

      thanks for stopping by 🙂

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  29. Being told repeatedly to get help, is aggravating. I am 20 and 30 years older than my children. Obviously, we do not see things the same way. I feel quite fine, though. Stay on track with whatever is recommended.

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