Self talk

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Sometimes you get so much shit thrown your way that next dump don’t even surprise you.

Past 5 6 days have been most devastating time of my life. Like somebody pulled out the tiles..and dug my grave just below my feet while i am still standing.

I remember telling my friends when we were in teens “everytime i think What else could go wrong…life actually surprise me with a brutal reply.”

Sometimes people don’t even believe me. Can’t blame them.

I am not angry.

I am not sad or broken.

I don’t know what i am feeling.

I talked to my brother after days last night and ended up saying those dreaded words again..’i am fine’….’dont worry about me’…’i will do something’

First to mom. Then to dad. Now to brother.

Me be next person hearing this from me with be me.

I actually did. I told myself too. But i still find it hard to believe.

I have literally exacausted every atom of energy in me. My feet hurt so bad with constant pacing. My brain is burned out in attempts to blind myself to the latest joke fate played on me.

I never imagined this will happen to me. Some times i end up doubting myself. Maybe i did something to deserve this.

But then how come biggest assholes i know are enjoying peaceful lives??

I have lost will to even look for reasons now.

I don’t have energy to even guess what horrible tricks fate has up its Sleeve for me.

I am so tired but can’t shut my brain. Can’t go blind to the truth.

It has happened. This is it.

The feeling is incomprehensible. Despair juxtaposed to passion…complicated isn’t it??

I told my friend when you know the route to return is destryed you are just left with one option. Moving forward.

But it’s strange. I feel alone. In 1 and a half year of blogging and venting in 500+ posts this is first time i am saying i feel lonely.

I know i have the best friends anyone can possibly get.

But nothing can fix this.

I devoted my self to spreading awareness. It’s going great so far. Still it’s not helping me in this frightful state.

In conversation with my bro he said we all have obsessive nature. We all are like dad. If something happens we will lose our minds sooner than him…sadly..i agree.

I can stay in my problems. But i know this will drive me insane within few years. Maybe i am not very compromising. Maybe my convictions are way too strong.

I am trying. I didn’t give up. But for what? I don’t know.

What if i fix everything and then it all crashes??

There are no answers. Just surprises..shocks.. terrible sad pethatic jokes.

Well. Enough of venting.

…….

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

48 thoughts on “Self talk

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    1. Praying for you sweet soul, by someone who knows how it feels. Waves from the tempests have washed over me. They don’t give time to pop your head to breath before being submerged, tossed and spat-out to experience yet another breaking wave. Glad you have this space to vent. Sending you my love.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Memories do return only to haunt, cripple and detain. Staying busy does hush the memories away. I’m glad you’ve found a good support group here. Even though we don’t see each other in person, there are many caring people who do love through their words. Words, are blood to our self worth. They either infuse to believe in our selves or defuse. Keep writing and stay busy. Summer is coming. 🙂

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  1. Any blog which comes straight from the heart, is touching. We all feel lonely. It is natural. You can feel lonely sitting in a crowd. Blogging too is a lonely business. I mean, for a while you need to disconnect, in order to connect. If you know what I mean.
    Meanwhile I am dying of curiosity about what actually happened?
    Wishing the best for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s great you want to use your time helping others. However, you’re not strong right now, concentrate on yourself. There are medicines, treatments, help everywhere for mental illness. The reasons behind “why,” people don’t take the help is really their choice. Many say that no one wants the “stigma” associated with being labeled as mental. I don’t think that’s entirely true. Because there’s obese people that avoid Dr’s, they’re scared of what they might find out. Same goes for HIV/Aids, diabetes, Cancer, etc. Men in particular won’t see a Dr unless they are actively sick.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so spot on!
      This is true in my culture 99% of the times.
      The reason there was prompt action on dad’s case was 3 of my siblings are related to medical feild.
      The day he was out of control they rushed him to hospital.
      And 2ndly my own parents have been very vigilant in keeping check on health of whole family. We lost mom to cancer. It was detected late and we were told its the matter of month still we got her treated.

      I dont know why people shy aeay from treatment.

      With mental health problems are bigger. Once declared mental patient you lose your worth in society. Thats what scares me the most. Dad is figurehead of his family..and now this.

      Right now he is constantly sedated. He doesnt know he has psychological issue. I am wondering what will happen one day he will get to know what he has.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. With therapy and changing his meds I bet he can get relief. I don’t agree in pushing pills to induce sleep. I mean, he’s alive not dead. Whatever is wrong isn’t going away while it’s being untreated. I hope he gets help, real help.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I dont even know his meds. Its alot of they are giving some other med too but they tried to taper his xanax today and he relapsed badly.
        Its going to take time.
        His state isn’t good. They are saying let this storm calm then he will be on maintainence.

        Kids at home are already planning ahead like he is not going to come back. Maybe they are doing the right thing.

        I just hope he get well. I look at people here with similar diagnosis it give me some hope that things are going to get better.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The mind is fragile and we must be careful of how much stress we allow. I think those high stress jobs, take a toll on mental health. Poor guy. He’s probably worked his whole life and now this.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. He is workaholic. Even the night he left home suddenly after few hours he went out to work and did his job perfectly.
        My dad is gifted. He can’t calm his brain. He was manipulating entire hospital even when he was sedated.

        This time it’s going against him. His brain is fighting him.

        What hurts me the most is..what he must be feeling whenever he comes to senses..he must get very hurt.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. If things that happened to a rock, it would break, but you keep going. This only testifies of how strong you actually are. Far bigger heroes would’ve flee from the fight and yet here you are championing into the fret like nothing can knock you down, and if it kicks you, you shake it off and get back to your stand. We stand beside you.

    Now, draw your war face Commander, the war is not over. Only the resilient and true of heath shall prevail. We are strong and we are with you. March on my Commander. Have no fear.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going to go out on a limb here. But first…dang it, I always feel frustrated not to connect with you daily. I know you know that, but I do the best I can.

    So…to answer your question…the biggest a******** enjoy peaceful lives because they are bloviating those thoughts to make you believe it. lol. I know that HAS to be true.

    And second…Karma? Let me tell you a little about karma in your reflection. Ready? Do you know how many lives you have impacted because you aren’t afraid to say what needs to be said? 100’s? Do you know how many people probably say “she gets it, she is saying what I want to say and can’t”? Those same 100’s.

    When I saw your list of people linking to your Warrier” page my first thought was you have absolutely no idea the lives you have touched by your mere presence here, all while you battle your own demons. (I have a good mind to fly to Dubai and shake you, and I will pick Nenad up along the way). lol. Don’t worry, I won’t.

    So that karma? There IS good karma and today it is in those 100’s of bloggers who look for your wisdom everyday and no doubt I must be able to speak for all of them in saying… thank you.

    I wish I could matter more, just know even when I am not behind the computer screen, you are always on my mind. Donna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Donna you are an amazing person how to you turn everything into something positive?

      I understand 🙂

      I find it so hard to believe it shakes your faith at times. Why dont something happen to them. But then i just stop looking at them completely. It pisses me off.

      That’s so beautiful. And sweet. I am so helpless here. Partly i am responsible for dad’s condition he was really worried about me. Everyone is saying thank God im not there i wouldnt be able to see.

      This is all i could do. I lost my everything suddenly. His condition is so severe. Maybe i can help someone.

      And the whole purpose is to educate people. This is real! This happens! Its not witchcraft.

      My mind is racing so fast..its insane.

      Dont bring Nenad sometimes i get scared of him 🙈

      I know. 🙂 i know you do remember me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So sorry for your dad. I am not sure what has happened as I haven’t read too far back. I am sure part of it is still grief from you mom, but I am sorry just the same. I know our heart is large and you just want to fix everything, and can’t.

        Hahaha regarding Nenad. too funny.

        Hope today is a better day.

        And thank you for the vote of positivity. It drives some people crazy. Like my family. “mom..can you just get pissed off, once. ..lololol….. nope. I am who I am….

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know its because of mom. They were literally one unit. I haven’t seen many couples that close. He just couldnt handle it even though he tried alot.

        Yes today is definitely better. For me dad everyone. Bro just sent his pic from hospital. He is very weak but mentally better. Mostly sedated.

        I don’t know how you do that. I am a realist mostly percieved as pessimist.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope you can rest, don’t take on all the troubles of the world on your shoulders, it may be too hard for you at the moment. You need your strength to cope with what is happening. I do think the warrior idea is good, and I am not trying to discourage you. I just know the time I went through following the death of my mother. I thought I could cope , I carried on with my job. But in the end I had to rest, and let my mind recover. Reading your blog makes me wish I could say the right things to help. But I don’t know what to say. But I can still send love and best wishes and hopes xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry you went through it, whatever it was. You go along fine, sometimes for years, then life gets absurdly brutal. Crazy bad things happen to good people every day. In our remaining days, we can wonder if our previous faith in humanity and sanity is forever lost. A serious trauma never goes away, but it can get slightly easier with the passing years.

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    1. true that..

      they say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. sometimes I feel that’s actually right but secretly wish maybe it would be better if that would have killed us actually.

      life unfair. its a fact now.
      thanks alot for kind yet true words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It got absurd for a while, before I understood what it does to your mind. Convinced me there was imminent danger when there wasn’t. Mild insanity, but it’s back to being manageable.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am glad its manageable.

        I dont know if its relevant but please check this:

        I invite you to read a post of mine where I am gathering warriors facing mental health challenges 1st hand to educate people, to raise awareness and acceptance.

        I need help from you in breaking stigma.

        Here is the link to post.. https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2018/04/27/mental-health-awareness/

        Your participation can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

        Thank you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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