The Fox and I..

When I was born someone else was also born with me. A creature chained to my right foot, that is my dominating foot.

I assumed it to be an animal in my naive mind. But I didn’t know its specie.

It could be a wolf, a fox or a dog. I realized it growing up.

I couldn’t really see it but always felt its weight, its footsteps matching my pace. I could sense its pulse rippling in the air around me all the time.

I knew it’s living with me. Growing with me.

Sometimes it fought me. Growled and hissed at me. Scared me.

Then one fine day when I just turned 27 I got to know finally.

It wasn’t a wolf. Wasn’t a dog. It was a very cunning FOX.

I could see her now. Her gleaming sly eyes that looked like she’s plotting something. Every strand of her fur. Her fuzzy tail resting on the ground as she sat flaunting her deviousness. She was exactly my age.

She wasn’t capable of killing me. But she was immensely passionate about pushing me to the point where I could take my life.

I had this epiphany at a doctor’s clinic when I was getting treated for autoimmune. When he told me about anxiety I could see it spread over all of my life. Weaved into every day, every minute I have lived.

The word wasn’t new to me, but I never associated myself with it.

You know what I associated myself with?? Arrogant, spoilt, stubborn, short-tempered, emotional, sensitive, aggressive, clingy, possessive, obsessive, impatient…

The phrases I heard about me ..“she can’t live with anyone” ..the worst… “don’t talk to her”.

Imagine your closest people saying that about you.

I remember my best friend of 20 years, Sam, giving me head massage when I would feel my veins would burst. I would put my head on table or her lap and she would give me head massage to console me.

I remember her telling me to start counting and breathing slow every time she sensed I was losing control..all of this in our teens.

I remember one of my best friends telling me I ruined all my relationships. This was one of the worst things I heard in my life as I always tried not to hurt people. And always feared being left alone, that made me pathetically tenacious at times.

Family was always there when I fell sick physically. But I still don’t have courage to open up to them about my mental state as I had younger siblings and I had this pressure of being strong and a role model for them.

I fought for each one of them as I felt I have to be their savior when nobody even acknowledged it later. I don’t regret this part. I feel I did my duty.

My fits of anxiety always completed a circle. Me being triggered….then throwing tantrum…then being left alone because I reacted.. then dying with guilt (when I shouldn’t have) then me going to people to mend things just because of fear of being left alone.

This was embarrassing. I always regretted once the circle was closed. Regretted proving people right when they are clearly wrong just because I was weak and scared.

The moment I heard the name of the animal I joined all the dots and I realized I have been living with this almost all my life.

And trust me it was such a relief.

Now I know I have a fox as companion.

Now when she runs i run. When she wants to rest I HAVE to rest. But she hardly rests.

Playing fetch means I throw the ball and we both chase it.

Sometimes it’s fun.

Honestly I don’t hate her. She isn’t all too bad I just didn’t know her.

I had a few phases of depression that silenced both of us. Most recent one lasted for around 1 and half months.

My fox went into hibernation and I started missing her terribly.

That’s how our relationship is now.

I hate her for making me a terrified weird kid who had to built unnecessary walls around her just so that nobody gets to know how sensitive and deprived of attention she was.

I had pretty much Allison situation going on in my teens. (Allison, basketcase from movie “breakfast club”)

I hate her for all the meltdowns I had in front of heartless people.

I hate her for the bitch face I donned which in result turned me into a challenge in front of people only inviting further troubles.

I hate her for instilling in me trust issues and phobias.

So when I say I was fireball trapped in a shell of ice I mean it.

Me hiding my vulnerability made me very unapproachable. People would leave me alone when I needed them most thinking I am strong enough to deal with it or I just don’t have feelings. This happens still.

But I love her for making me a vehement expressionist.

I love her for turning me stronger than anyone around me and still having a heart.

Because I know what it is like to be chained with an animal that for a very long time I feared might be a wolf.

Realizations, diagnosis lifted the fox.

I knew when I felt suicidal twice and I acted promptly. I keep Xanax handy, even though I don’t take it but I understand if I feel I can’t handle myself it will at least halt the situation for a while (this must not be taken as an advice!)

I keep number of a therapist in my bag that my rheumatologist gave me. And I know which bag.

I know when I am going to zone out with mental exhaustion and its time to lay down.

Now I understand her. And somewhere she understands me too.

Sometimes I manipulate her to my advantage.

When I really have to do something I know I am not alone. I have a very smart fox with me. We are two brains working. That’s a pretty badass combo.

I got to know late. Very late.

But it’s never too late right?

And I know we will die together as we were born together.

So we both have accepted this relationship. Only relationship that I know is never going to end no matter what, besides Sam obviously.

I still see deceit in her eyes though…

….

I have shared my story in response to a Mental Health Awareness Campaign campaign, “There’s Glory in Sharing Your Story” initiated and administered by Sue (owner of blog myloudbypolarwhispers.com), who I truly admire for her efforts to raise awareness and fight stigma around mental health issues.

………

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

29 thoughts on “The Fox and I..

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  1. The more u write the more i love u.. I have also had this depression in different phases of my life.. After marriage, after my miscarriage at 8months and a recent incident last week that made me fall and limp with a fractured leg.. Not sure if i have to share or not.. But reading this post, i am sure my hands gonna write..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. if you feel it helps you should write about it. writing really helps and we are all sort of strangers here. thats why I can openly be vulnerable here.

      and I love you too for caring so much about me. sometimes we are really looking for love and comfort but we choose not to admit or show it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxiety sucks. (Sorry couldn’t come up with a polite term). I am now in a group helping us learn to cope with anxiety and depression. The biggest thing we have all learned do far is that everyone’s story has different details but the feelings are the same. And stopping to be mindful for even a minute helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It so does!
      That’s right. I just wrote in a comment above. I can’t even count mine as an illness even after whatever harm it did to my life and emotional damage.

      Mine is still controlled. That the whole fox thing i was explaining. Once i got to know it became easier to deal with it.
      For someone it might lead to something bigger too as underline damage is same.
      Insecurities hyperactivity fears are same more or less.
      True that.

      Thanks for sharing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Foxes are sly, too. You know people write about mental illnesses that deprive them of enjoying life, since depression halts growth, etc.
    But you know diabetes, hiv, kidney, heart, lung and so many other diseases shut people in where they are limited in daily activities.
    I guess, it’s something for everyone to overcome. Attractive people receive a lot of unwanted attention, some choose to shy from that. Then there’s the geek types who play games all day, while the whole world is outside.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true.
      Every human is different every condition mix differently with different people.
      A simple example same medicine would have different effect on you and me.
      Health overall limit people. I have autoimmune i know my limitation.
      But there is one thing scary. I was discussing with my friends. We lost mom to cancer. This disease is so painful and it was slow death on my moms case. But till the last moment her mind was working absolutely fine. She was still peaceful mentally.

      On the other hand my dad is still healthy. Its his brain. His manic attack was so strong he is still in inertia of it. I can’t imagine the storm thats happening in his head. How it’s hurting him.
      Same must be happening to rest of bipolar people. And maybe other illnesses too. And his desperation to prove that he is ok…all of this..

      I don’t know.

      My anxiety is nothing. No matter what i lost because of it. Im not an angel i have made.millions of mistakes but anxiety has overshadows a big part of my life but honestly its nothing in front of other illnesses.

      In my case i dont even count it as illness.

      But if you keep sweeping it under the rug it may grow into something bigger. That’s something to be concerned about.

      Like

  4. I found myself in your writing. My companion is not an animal, it is a rock. I think I may be able to write about it soon. I keep reading your writing and it helps a great deal. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a huge complement. I am humbled 🙂
      We all have different companions and it sets us free when we get to know their identity.
      Its a liberating process. Further turning it into art and writing is like using it to advantage.

      I would love to read what have to say about your companion.

      Thanks again 😊

      Like

  5. Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story and letting me share it on my blog. I really appreciate it.Thank you for helping me with my campaign.I am so happy you are participating in my campaign. You are an inspiration and a fantastic writer. I love how you used a fox etc. to tell your story. So creative and insightful. Thank you again. I will be sharing your story on Wednesday Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. You are awesome.Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing very well and are an inspiration to many. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much Sue for kind word and appreciation. and for giving me this opportunity to share my own struggle with anxiety.
      I am glad you liked the whole concept. I couldn’t say it better that relating it to a fox.

      thank a lot for your efforts 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s sounds scary..when you can’t really predict.
        In my case i just sort of learned to tame the fox when i got to know her. But then it was just a fox couldn’t probabaly turn into hulk.

        Anxiety has vast variety of breeds.

        Liked by 1 person

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