Yesterday was riddled with crippling fear.
We all get nightmares but there are very few of them that make you scream in sleep. And when it involves your loved ones it’s nearly impossible to deal with it.
For hours I was shaking. 10 hours I was constantly fighting the fear trying in vain to at least get up from my bed.
Every theory, every survival tip, my own formulae had failed me.
Yesterday I could check almost all the symptoms of ptsd.
But I am sitting here. Typing. Alive. Still sane.
Because not for a single minute I stopped trying.
I didn’t stop trying to save myself. I used whatever I had to fight and survive. Even though until the end of the day it all looked like a big huge failed attempt.
First thing, I looked for somebody I can talk to and that somebody needs to understand me. Needs to know my situation. So I have 5 friends exactly (including my aunt) that are on my finger tips all the times. I started contacting them.
Sam stayed on messages as she was at work but she kept in touch. Luckily my aunt was available to talk. That helped a ton. Even. Though she doesn’t give false hope, still I felt better.
Your first effort should always be to reach out and ask help. The rest you can do later. When you are in the dark tunnel you need to hold a hand. It can be even a helpline. Staying alone isn’t safe.
My usual diversion options are arts, reading, watching a movie, listening to music..none of them worked yesterday. Nothing at all. I couldn’t hold a pencil I was shaking so bad.
But I could write. Well first thing I did when I woke up was to complete a poem I was writing and send to Zazu. It was for him so I didnt post it.
Then I wrote a haiku. My first haiku ever. That gave sense of achievement that was very important at that moment.
There’s one thing that helps like a medicine. Focusing on someone else’s pain. I scheduled a few mental health reblogs. When you read lives of others and when you share their story somewhere it comforts you that you did something for someone. Eventually it earns you peace.
In the darkness like these little achievements help you tremendously.
Then my friend came online and this girl is a blessing. I can never stop saying that. She knows what to say how to say. She is been there. She is my helpline. She doesn’t let me spin. We talk about really random non-sense but I always end up smiling.
At night I did something that seemed impossible in that traumatic phase. I went out. I forced myself to go out in the open sky. I really didn’t want to but I did.
So I went to corniche. And forgot about everything. The morning. The calamity my life was going through. Everything.
And I just focused on starry night with full moon, the calm water, the lights. Thats all.
Forgetting about myself and people and cars. I fixed a customized filter on my brain that could only think about natural elements and beauty of the night.
And Music!! That’s important.
I came back a stronger person.
A more peaceful mind.
Sometimes you get stuck in the maze of dark tunnels where everything looks impossible. Always look for a reliable helping hand and hold that tight.
Then don’t give up on yourself.
Don’t doubt your self.
We are born to survive. And we always do.
Sometimes life does become an actual battle field but we have read about survivors of battles too. Haven’t we??
So why give up??
Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.
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