Late night walk..

Everyday I lose a little faith in humanity and next day I see some hope which gets shattered next moment.

I love going out for walk here. I would enjoy late night walk with mom or dad.

With mom it wasn’t just walk sometimes her friends would join to turn it into a mini reunion.

With dad it was always more of a meeting. Talking about serious stuff. Sometimes we would pro-con some major decisions during those late night walks.

It’s so different now. Mom isn’t around..

Dad isn’t around mentally… it’s so complicated he is on heavy medication just to make him look sane. If I didn’t know about his condition he could easily trick me.

I wasn’t here when he went manic. Some people judged me on that and taunted me. But people who know the reason hugged me cried and one of them even said ‘thank you’.

Well. Can’t blame anyone. Entire situation is sad and complicated.

I believe illnesses are different for every person. I have met quite a few people here who have bipolar disorder. I heard what’s happening with dad but I never saw it.

And now when I am witnessing it first hand this is the most devastating thing I have ever seen. For me. For us. And for him.

He gathers all his sanity to look ok when he is breaking and dying inside.

We stay close to him and keep an eye on him without making him feel that we are watching as this might hurt him more.

For first day he couldn’t look me in the eye entire day. He looked apologetic and I didn’t know what to say. I was deeply hurt. But I could see his pain too.

Kudos to people who live with him and take care of him.

I got to see him when he had calmed down. He knows his diagnosis. He has accepted it and he is cooperating in medication and therapy both. And this state kills me every passing moment. I can’t imagine what might have happened if I were here before this.

Some say i would never let anyone take him to the hospital as I have idealized him all my life.

I wanted to talk to my bro about a lot of things and at home it would worry dad so we went out for walk.

Talked about everything that was worrying me. He is decades wiser than his age.

It reminded me of the times I would go with my parents. Now I can’t go with either of them but things don’t die down completely.

I had my brother wearing their shoes to some extent.

Life tests you brutally some times and you don’t get choices.

We concluded it’s going to take a few years for things to normalize.

Or maybe we will just get stronger than what situations have already made us.