What a rollercoaster ride today has been.
It’s 1.40 am here and I was talking to dad because he can’t sleep. I couldn’t tell him I know this feeling too well.
We talked about a lot of things. Told him about how your thoughts push us into a spiral to a helpless point but I couldn’t tell him I know this spiral too well.
I was nodding and saying hmm hmm on autopilot when I wanted to scream and cry.
I couldn’t tell him unfortunately I have been made to walk over his footstep by fate. It’s not even my fault.
I couldn’t tell him we need to stop being so hard on ourself we have every right to live on our own term we don’t have to succumb to worldly pressures. I couldn’t say all of this because it’s too late.
I felt like I am standing at dead end in my own life. I couldn’t tell him about the pain helplessness anxiety my episodes of depression my suicide ideations, I couldn’t tell him anything.
Because we can’t lose him.
Today was his appointment with neurologist and his psychiatrist.
His psychiatrist is such an amazing man. I can’t thank God enough for sending him for our help.
I wanted to ask him a few things but not in dad’s presence. But I was afraid of going to see him without informing dad so I waited.
When the appointment was almost over I asked dad if I can talk to the doctor for 5 minutes.
He hesitated for a minute and then said you can ask right now. I understood he won’t like me talking to the doctor in his absence.
I asked him if dad’s condition is bipolar-1 or bipolar-2. He said it’s bipolar 2 with the explanation of both.
Somewhere during the meeting dad said “i am afraid” and doctor said “fear is a driving force, it can motivate you to work on yourself” so my next question was “won’t fear shoot up anxiety and make everything worse?”. He gave an explanation for that too. It’s about a balance.
Anything else I wanted to know he was addressing already. I wanted to talk about cognitive behavioural therapy but I felt it wasn’t separately required as whatever therapy this doctor was doing seemed to be working.
I told him I had to talk about CBT but you got that covered already I guess. He explained that part too.
He provides some training in UAE too. He said they have a day for friends and family so I might attend that.
But I couldn’t say anything about myself.
I was really satisfied and relieved about dad.
But part of me was having a meltdown inside.
Part of me wants to give up everyday. But some part still keeps fighting. And some part is just numb.
Such an emotionally exhausting day.
Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awarenesswhere I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.
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