Cryptic rant!

There’s a lot of gibberish ahead but I really need to vent so I came here to write as usual.

You can totally pass and move on to better posts.

My book gave so many reasons to be happy but my real life was still going shitty in a lot of ways.

People were being people. And even after me working my ass off to please them they were still being super duper assholish people!!

I mean how did God end up making this specie. Well maybe that’s the real test, to put up with this breed of absolute pain!

You gather all of your threads and you think you finally have a rope and then you snap! Because you were too tired of gathering those ropes.

I failed myself.

I finally got appointment that I had to do at least a month back. But stress won this time.

On the appointment day I couldnt lift my shoulders. It was physically hurting bad. I couldnt see I couldn’t talk. My 2 close friends told me it’s stress and i should still go, it will go away once I’m there.

But I insisted that it’s not! I’m physically tired.

I cancelled.

Turns out my friends know me better.

The moment appointment time passed the pain magically vanished!

I booked another one, it’s tomorow. Pray it goes well. It’s new kinda doctor and such appointments feel like blind dates where you have to opened up about the depths of you…quite literally!

Well this failure left me disappointed in myself. I thought I finally had some control. But I don’t. And that hurt.

Well I watched movie the help today. This is going to be one of my favourite movies ever. And trust me I watch plenty!!

Normaly I play a movie on the side as I work but for this I closed everything. It was worth devouring every frame.

Today was happiness day. And my niece’s 1st birthday. And my sis sent a video of her dancing on the birthday song. The best part she literally fell over and rolled over her diaper like a rotating top, regained her balanced and started dancing again.. and I was like..That’s my niece!! I true fighter.

But today morning I wasnt my fighter self. I wasn turning to surrender. I was talking to my friend and told her maybe one day I will give up and accept everything and then maybe I will have a normal live.

But then thanks to people of special assholish breed, the PhD in moronic sciences, and thier pethatic af behaviour, after crying my eyes out I finally said..nope!! I m not going to stop fighting.

Remember I used to say I will fight even if I know I have 5 days left to live after winning. I will fight for those 5 days!

I am back on it!

Thank God for directing me.

I know suffering is horrible. It’s no fun. But I don’t wanna die a loser.

Rant over!

20 thoughts on “Cryptic rant!

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  1. That’s the same thing I got. Pain, nausea, cramps, it was a nightmare. But when I arrived at where I needed to be at that moment, everything is fine. Travel is an actual problem, not to be somewhere. It’s like my brain said “I don’t wanna go” and when I go to someplace it’s different. It’s like it goes “Oh, shit. We are here. Better get a grip now, so I don’t turn out an idiot”. I can totally relate to that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m doing something I never thought I’d have enough confidence for. But suddenly I can do it. In my case I think it’s just because I’m getting older amd I realise I can just be me. The relatives? Just try laughing at them or with them? Maybe they will cut you some slack. Don’t let them see they hurt you and they will get bored xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I, too, have had some misgivings whilst being driven to doctors appointments. But I would like to put a positive spin on it (however different our conditions may be).

    I returned from hospital yesterday after having a few running repairs carried out on my ageing body (apparently any brain deterioration is irreparable) and am presently propped up in bed reading all manner of stuff and gobbling up the pain-killing medication that they gave me.

    I’d have to say that, on balance, that it’s not all bad! I don’t think I realised how tired I was …. and an enforced period of convalescence may be, quite literally, just what the doctor ordered.

    Things might go downhill when the drugs run out, of course, but for now everything appears unexpectedly rosy.

    Apparently with the accumulated credits I have (astonishingly) piled up with my employer I can actually lie here (and be fully paid for it!) for just under 2 years.

    Tempting ….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sound like when people were paid to sleep in space. Or it was radioactive rays?? I can’t remember.
      I have had a lot of not-so-rossy days at hospital (max intensity being surgery and radio therapy). This one is not even close to that. It just needs me to talk. But I’m so tired of dealing with it at this point I just feel like telling “okay whatever it is I will live with it”

      And explaining a complicated case to a new doctor is like trying to teach someone advance level French who hasn’t ever heard of it.

      I have a terrible feeling I’m going to have a meltdown.

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      1. If you feel a meltdown coming on then may I suggest that you start, without warning, suddenly speaking in French. Try to maintain a straight face throughout. Doctors work so much harder when you take them out of their comfort zone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ahahhaha only if I new French I would have pulled this stunt at the hospital.
        And I don’t know any other language she wouldn’t know.
        I don’t know what I’m going to do. I cried in front a doctor once, confided in her about my suicide idiations, she stopped answering my emails.

        Like

      3. She didn’t reply so obviously not going to her. That’s why going to new one and it gave me horrible stress.
        I was hating myself for being so weak. I thought I was stronger than that.
        But really hoping I can stay strong this time. Once u lose hope on a condition you don’t feel like going to hospital again. It feel like an unnecessary event.

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      4. And as for days in hospital …. I have had my share. I once spent 3 months confined to one bed in one room in one hospital after one game of football went horribly wrong. The day they let me out I remember being dazzled by all the colour and the movement and the sheer beauty of the world. But within 3 or 4 days it became too much for me and I was suddenly terrified by everything around (and I had, mysteriously, gone partially blind for some reason) so I demanded to be locked up again.
        Eventually they did, but for other reasons.

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      5. Oh. Oh my head is spinning.
        I had so much happening at once with my illness that I can’t even recall some of my reactions. I don’t have few chunks of memories. But 3 months on a bed.. I can’t imagine what that would be like.

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