Feeling shitty

That shitty situation again when you are hyper anxious inside but outside you are numb.

You are doing everything in time and still feeling like a failure. Because have of you is winning and half of you is failing.

I hate this.

I haven’t hearing air molecules yet. But I feel I can smell blood from my head which is actually not possible.

But anxiety does play some wierd tricks on you.

You see hear smell thinks that are not around you anywhere.

I have been in a good place mentally but I guess i overwhelmed myself.

I am going to be busy for a month or two and not in a good way.

But I don’t know what bit me I thought keeping myself busy with positive stuff will help me. And couldn’t be more wrong!

Well maybe its helping but its driving me mad too.

Sorry I’m blabbering a lot today.

23 thoughts on “Feeling shitty

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  1. It happens to the best of us! You will be ok and going in the other direction another day. It’s just a bad day. I mind fuck myself on a daily basis and what’s in my head is pretty scary!! You’ve got this 🙂 Miss you~

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  2. There’s a person who takes over my body (and part of my mind) and covers for me a lot of the time. I watch him from above and from somewhere over his right shoulder. He’s not bad. He does a reasonable impersonation of me – possibly a more friendly version of the real thing and a little less reactive to circumstance. But more than acceptable – hardly anyone notices the difference. His voice is just that tiny bit odd – it’s smoother than mine – more ‘practiced’.

    Before that, though …. before I had ‘him’, in other words …. when I was a kid … it was everyone else who seemed different. Voices came to me in a sort of ‘staccato’ way. It was if there was a pause between each syllable that people said to me. I understood every word … I got the meaning, but somehow it was as though I were listening to them through some sort of filter. I don’t know what was being filtered out.

    Its gone now – that whole experience – and I cant bring it back. But I miss it a bit. Im not sure why.

    And I’m not sure why I am telling you this, except to say that I have a certain understanding of perspective. I really have seen myself through another set of eyes and I have heard people through another set of ears.

    What is the moral of all this? Zip. There is no moral message. Sorry.

    But you might, just sometimes, try to step out of yourself, to view everything as some sort of Shakespearean comic tragedy within which someone else is using your mind and body to play a part. You might, just sometimes, think that nothing ever really matters and that nothing ever really happens.

    And maybe that is how it really is.

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    1. First time I read this I had tears maybe because I was already sensitive.

      This is so deep it’s hard to process or reply.

      I am afraid of the moment when when I will look at my life from a third person view.
      My first book was supposed to be a psychological thriller but a lot of it was based on my real life incidents, it got too intense for me and scared damaging my mental health. I hate to stop.

      I don’t know if my life will look like comic tragedy. What if it just looks like a tragedy?

      It’s and everyday war. A nonstop bloody battle ground.

      I don’t discuss alot here as I feel this clean part of my life will be polluted by ugly splatters of the battle ground.

      And I don’t know me. This is wierd but I feel I don’t know myself. People have different opinions about me and I myself only know some fact. I don’t know what I will find if I look at me from above.

      What if I see something so painful it gets harder?

      Liked by 1 person

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