Breaking

I don’t like what’s happening.

I am breaking mentally.

I don’t know where and how to start and I don’t know how this will be of any help at all.

I do believe in brighter future in light and I keep encouraging people that good things are going to happen but I have reached that zenith of test where I am wondering is this the battle even worth fighting?

Im I fighting the inevitable

What if My constantly struggle to run against the tide is just a silly obsession of proving something to my own self.

I have been burning myself to get somewhere when I could choose a simpler life but I felt I wasn’t respected as a human in that simpler life.

That’s literally all I wanted, to be respected and treated as an average human.

And I had to put up a fight for that.

I don’t talk about my personal life here because that is going to turn this place in a shithole and I will hate coming here. And this is one place I come for solace, I cannot ruin this.

Im talking in abstract. I know

Well

The situation is, I’m losing hope.

I have broken down emotionally a million time but only in front of people I love and trust.

I have massive trust issues but I have reasons for that.

But when I opened up to people I completely trusted, I was blamed for playing victim. I don’t understand how is that even possible nothing was in my control.

And the worst part…these people actually loved me and cared about me.

This is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a human brain.

Being blamed for the shit that happened to you.

Well.

I don’t know what did the bigger damage. Rejections or accusations.

If anyone of you randomly sees me somewhere you wouldn’t believe I’m the same person.

I don a hard shell. I come off as a very mentally strong person.

A headstrong person.

And I’m seeing cracks in that shell and I’m afraid.

If I keep facing rejections I don’t know how long I will be able to fight.

I have been in this battle ground for 3 years already and I have come a long way but I am still so far behind and I don’t get a chance to explain everyone what went wrong.

And I don’t have energy to.

And at this point t it hurts to torture my friends with my tragic life struggles. The repitation could make them suicidal.

I have been applying to literally 30 40 places a day. I got a few calls but they didn’t help.

I was thinking can you do a writing job when you haven’t studying writing or literature or anything like that? Anyone having an experience with that?

The rest..i don’t know. It’s tough.

I really needed this crap out of my system.

Have a good day.

21 thoughts on “Breaking

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  1. Please don’t break
    I will supply some sellotape
    To hold you together gently.
    A virtual hug
    To wish you well.
    Don’t fret dear friend
    I will pray you mend.
    I wish I could be there
    To show how much I care….

    Most people applying for jobs get many many rejections. Recruitment is not simple. I know I’ve been there. You put your toe in the water and its boiling! If I could help I would. Take care of yourself dear gentle soul.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ahah aww

      sellotape will terribly fail at holding me together but a hug could fix a lot.
      this is so sweet I love you ❤️

      thank you so much I don’t know how to react. you are such a lovely person. wish there were more like you xx

      Like

  2. Searching for jobs is not for the faint of heart. I know because I’ve stopped for a bit. Prayers you will find one soon, my friend.

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    1. I wanted to take a break for like 2 3 days but I couldnt as I feel I’m wasting time. I want to go back and be a child again. Life was easier
      …but no that had it’s own challenges.
      Gosh!! I don’t know what to even think anymore

      Like

    1. I im very impulsive here it’s miles away from professional writing but I have done that too, that’s what I was trying to recall. the kinds of work I have done but never treated it like work.

      I need a little polishing and all.
      thanks you so much for the support you are amazing xoxo

      Like

  3. I sympathize with all these feelings about the job search. It’s natural to feel this way. It’s also important to take small bits of time ‘off’ and make them truly peaceful, free of guilt and frets (which isn’t automatic), so that your mind is functioning its best when you’re ‘on’ again.
    As for writing, it’s wonderful and good your community is already saying “go for it”. There’s some bad news/good news, here. Your ideas and your heart are at the right level but, as someone who was a writing tutor, I see growing that needs to happen too. That probably feels scary right this minute but it’s worse to get rejected over and over again and not know why. I’m not a great success, myself, because I’ve feared the rejection too much and not tried. But I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t willing to look at drafts and offer advice. It would probably help me grow as an advisor and a writing instructor, someday. You will rise to the level you need to achieve with your love of the craft and support.

    …most of all, I’m disappointed your irl network is short-sighted and can’t refrain from victim blaming.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for advice about off time because I drive myself crazy. 5 minutes if I’m sitting idle I feel a wasted a century.
      You are absolutely right. I realise there’s a huge margin to cover. And I believe you never stop learning so that margin will be there always. Growth can only happen when you accept that you aren’t perfect and I firmly believe in that. Thank you so much for honestly pointing out.
      I haven’t started applying for writing jobs yet and I mostly write on an impulse here. So I know I really need polishing the craft.

      Imagine my disappointment. These are the people who actually care about me.

      Well. Such is life..
      Thank for suggestions I really appriciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My dear, dear friend… Virtual hugs and strength and love and prayers from both me and my wife… You do have a tremendous strength within as you give it away to others with advice and hope. I pray you find a way to turn that towards yourself and find your rock of solace! All my best friend! 🙏🏻🙏🏻

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  5. Believe me I understand where you are coming from from. You’re doing an amazing job blogging. You never know how your wisdom will touch someone. Sometimes we to need someone to lean on a little. And it hurts when the ones you think should have your back don’t. I draw strength from the small time I’ve spent blogging. And I just started. Hoping that as I learn to lead I will do better in the areas I’m struggling just because I’m needing to set an example for someone needing the wisdom I have gained. That isn’t to say that I have everything figured out. No sir. But I’m taking it a little bit more seriously. Give yourself a break. This is a great place to blow off some steam.

    Like

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