I don’t like what’s happening.
I am breaking mentally.
I don’t know where and how to start and I don’t know how this will be of any help at all.
I do believe in brighter future in light and I keep encouraging people that good things are going to happen but I have reached that zenith of test where I am wondering is this the battle even worth fighting?
Im I fighting the inevitable
What if My constantly struggle to run against the tide is just a silly obsession of proving something to my own self.
I have been burning myself to get somewhere when I could choose a simpler life but I felt I wasn’t respected as a human in that simpler life.
That’s literally all I wanted, to be respected and treated as an average human.
And I had to put up a fight for that.
I don’t talk about my personal life here because that is going to turn this place in a shithole and I will hate coming here. And this is one place I come for solace, I cannot ruin this.
Im talking in abstract. I know
The situation is, I’m losing hope.
I have broken down emotionally a million time but only in front of people I love and trust.
I have massive trust issues but I have reasons for that.
But when I opened up to people I completely trusted, I was blamed for playing victim. I don’t understand how is that even possible nothing was in my control.
And the worst part…these people actually loved me and cared about me.
This is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a human brain.
Being blamed for the shit that happened to you.
I don’t know what did the bigger damage. Rejections or accusations.
If anyone of you randomly sees me somewhere you wouldn’t believe I’m the same person.
I don a hard shell. I come off as a very mentally strong person.
A headstrong person.
And I’m seeing cracks in that shell and I’m afraid.
If I keep facing rejections I don’t know how long I will be able to fight.
I have been in this battle ground for 3 years already and I have come a long way but I am still so far behind and I don’t get a chance to explain everyone what went wrong.
And I don’t have energy to.
And at this point t it hurts to torture my friends with my tragic life struggles. The repitation could make them suicidal.
I have been applying to literally 30 40 places a day. I got a few calls but they didn’t help.
I was thinking can you do a writing job when you haven’t studying writing or literature or anything like that? Anyone having an experience with that?
The rest..i don’t know. It’s tough.
I really needed this crap out of my system.
Have a good day.