I’m a weirdo, surprise!
What a beautiful start to an ocean deep thought process.
I have been in a mental conflict in my own mind about freedom.
I keep talking about freedom choice and being yourself.
The honestly to your own self.
This time the trigger was unexpected, a job search!
Not bragging here. Not trying to be bratty but when I was starting off (years ago) I had a bar in my mind that I wasn’t willing to lower even though everyone told me I’m expecting too much.
And guess what, I wasn’t.
I landed the job above the bar I set for myself. I started of with a big 4 firm (regular readers must be tired of this shameless bragging by now)
Those were different time. Fresh qualified, no illness, parents still spoiling us at least in material sense.
And we thought we were working..LOL
When I remember my dad wouldn’t even let me pay for the fuel that was only being burned for me in the car and he was strict about it.
So I was working in luxuries, and hate to admit still was a spoiled little whiner.
And now after multiple damages I feel like I’m stranded in a desert with no sight of a road, water, any trace of life.
And then you start thinking…okay maybe if I find a puddle of mud, that would be gatorade..i meant great..
So is it all about time and situation??
I got rejected from a place that didn’t even have proper furniture or hierarchy.
And I am still scarred by the loss (not of life) of a close friend. Trust me this hole is never getting filled.
I was losing my footing. I was losing hope.
But then I was thinking about freedom.
This is a battle for freedom. But what is freedom?
You have a certain living standard you start living between invisible walls to maintain that impression. It’s exhausting but inevitable. Sounds like fight club (is that why I love fight club?)
You can’t look or behave a certain way when it’s not expected from you and that’s your prison!
That’s where it starts and goes back to. That’s the whole circle.
I have worded it, I have tried to explain it to people and failed but that’s what it is in the end.
I’m sorry it’s going to be a long post but I’m having an epiphany here.
If I’m fighting to be free, how free can I be?
If I start living on streets I will still have to feed and clothe myself or I will starve and die. For that I will need money. So earning or begging. Both need dependance on another human.
If I choose a jungle. Well I can never compete animals they will rip me apart in 2 minutes or will scream and die at the sight of an insect.
I can’t climb trees, sleep on bench, and I need clean food and water.
My mind couldn’t go lower than streets and jungle, you can’t even imagine a desert because there I will be in plane sight and most unprotected creature in the entire universe. Trees would be safer than me.
So. No matter what I do. Being an adult I will be dependent on money and that doesn’t grow on trees, I checked.
Now, let’s sit back and accept the fact that we are always connected and dependent on anyone.
Then why chose the worst prison possible? Why not chose a comfortable one. Trust me there are many, I checked that too.
So I am planning to change entire job search strategy.
I will focus on where I want to be and what I want to do. And since I’m not too stubborn in my requirements I will find a good fit for myself eventually.
Ah I just did my own therapy.
But before the next search I need to press the refresh button and declutter my mind.
I started watching Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch one. And I’m loving it.
Sam (my bff) is shocked as I don’t watch series but this one is worth it.
Back to the topic!!
Few days back I asked about what’s a good life and we all concluded in the end you have a good life when you are comfortable with yourself.
All of this require a balance and little madness. Just a little bit.
We all have to face some sort of imprisonment to survive and survival is subjective.
It depends what’s okay for you.
So don’t go after something that will turn you into what you are not and would never want to be.
If you can, always chose something that can being some sort of satisfaction to you or it will suck any willingness to live out of you. It will suck any remote chance of happiness that you have in life.
So, where is the refresh button?
Im closing all the tabs. Adding a few things to my resumé. Make a separate one for creative jobs and then we will start over again.
With new page, new sharp pencil and new vigor!
Thanks for tolerating this avalanche of words..and me..
Copyright © 2019 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved
Here’s the link to my debut poetry collection => Swinging Sanity
Here’s the link to my post about the book –All About Swinging Sanity