Something happened today and my mind totally derailed.
As if it was on one of those trains that travel between the alps tearing the fog..
NO! It wasn’t!
It was more like a broken toy train with twisted wheels and low battery.
But then..lo and behold.. it was hit by a random lego.
In the times when things aren’t that bad, but shaky, one really bad thing happened..abandonment.
And you are shoved back to messed up teenage and confused early 20s.
My inner child was crying and my outer old women was motionless.
I could remember that needle again.
Hate to admit I harmed myself once with a needle to show someone what they meant to me.
And today I was in the same state…or at least that’s what I thought.
I wrote “i will hurt myself”
And in a second my mind sprung back.
Like someone slapped me hard!
I was suddenly back to senses and I thought…wait…
What the actual fuck!
When someone is hurting you already, why should I go on to hurt myself further just to show that I’m hurt?!?!?
Does it make any sense?
What am I trying to prove? That they are right when they call me a psycho?
That rather than trying to fix myself I go on a self-immolation mode?
Why should I give them another reason to call me a loser?
Why should I give anyone that satisfaction?
Someone who doesn’t care about your pain is not worth crying over, Period!
So I will just pop another ibuprofen and get back to making something of myself!
P.s. I love you all…i wish rest of the world was like you guys.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.
Copyright © 2019 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved
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Here’s the link to my debut poetry collection => Swinging Sanity
Here’s the link to my post about the book – All About Swinging Sanity
Stoner on a rollercoaster 
You did right. The decision to take care of yourself means that you have overcome the instinct for self harm. Wishing you well.
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I am actually happy and surprised I could snap so fast. Previously things like that would leave me shaking for days..
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You’ve overcome the negative impulses
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Well done, well thought through. Take care. X
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Thank you. I am xx
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😊 👍 😊
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Well done on realising what was happening and putting a stop to it.
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Yea. I think I have come a long way mentally. Now I stop and try to make sense of the situation.
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That is great. My son suffers from PTSD and OCD. I hope he can get to a place of coping in time too.
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It takes time acceptance and patience for the fighter and everyone around him. I hope he is seeking treatment. Most importantly he needs love and attention and someone who listens to him. It does get better ❤
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He does get love and attention and I try to listen to his problems and support him. He is a very intellectual boy, very driven. I try to keep him calm and happy.
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Been there! I’m so glad you were able to recognize where you were. I’ve had lots of moments like that and I had to teach myself that hurting myself so he other person would hurt too was not logical. Ouch. I hope things get better.
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That’s right. I remember last time it was only me who got hurt in every way and later as it was on my arm I slept straight for days lol. So not worth it..
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Beautifully written. The sadness and the anger into strength of self is absolutely stunning. I read this as a poem whether that is what you meant to do or not. I loved it. 🙂
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i’m glad you liked it. it was an inspiring piece for my own self 🙂
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🤓💜
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When I hurt myself i split into two personas: a victim who is hurt and the oppressor who hurts him.
Better to use that anger dissolve that inner oppressor into pure anger
And use that anger to liberate all victims and teach all oppressors to do the same.
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In the end it’s just you. Your skin. Your body.
In the end it will only hurt you. You are one person. Not that I dont understand your point. I know the whole process.
But who is this for.
Take a back seat and look at both the personas. You will see they both have your face your heart beat.
It’s a third party that causes your pain and that third party doesnt know or care about your pain at all.
That’s actual oppressor. And they dont care if you hurt yourself or not. If they cared why would they do anything that would hurt you in the first place.
You know what can liberate you. Using that pain and turn into something. Pain and anger is extremely powerful if used in right direction.
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You have the right attitude! You are brave! And so strong! Go you! Well done on not hurting yourself!
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Yay me!! I can act like a very sane person at times 😆 xx
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