panicked

It’s one of those very rare days when I am having an anxiety attack and I have no one to lean on.

The thing is. I tried, I really tried reaching out to people but for some reason or other conversations had to end. Everyone is busy it’s Saturday.

Then I wrote this..

I shudder with fear
And disgust
I feel scales
Scratching me
As it slithers
On my skin
Is it one
Two..or a million
I don’t know
But
It’s draining life
Out of me
I’m sweating cold
Can’t move
Can’t think
Can’t see
It’s tightening
Around my shoulders
Untill I pass out again..

I don’t know what to do. This work anxiety is driving me mad.

I gave a long list of duties I will be performing for the company but due to insanely stupid level of politics I find it hard to explain anything.

Tomorrow have to go back to work.

I can’t even explain what im going through im just randomly switching between numb and anxious.

I know I have nothing to lose.

I know in a way I got a promotion.

I know boss wants me there, even tho the other person is playing really filthy games to get me fired but I straight up told my boss im not a political person if you don’t want me here just let me know.

This all is so shitty. I wont be staying here for long, this environment isn’t worth it but how do i survive as long as im here?

Every minute of today feels like a century and then that century is flying fast and I don’t know what to do.

Im panicked.

27 thoughts on “panicked

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  1. A toxic environment you have to endure every single day is probably the worst thing for mental health. We are such a big society of tough love ‘suck it up’ mentality but when you have to go to this place every day and your financial well being depends on you being able to tolerate it within healthy limits…It’s just toxic and should absolutely be a ‘for now’ thing. I empathize and commiserate, I held jobs that were so awful, I’d hide in the closet crying before I had to go there every single shift. Once I found a less toxic situation, things got a little better so…there is always that.
    You may feel alone but you are not alone here on wordpress, always remember that. So many of us get what you are going through-reach out if you need to. We’re in this together. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I don’t find your blog a dark sad space at all. You are one of the most positive bloggers out there, considering how much you deal with. But a blog that deals with mental health issues and you talking about how your situation is impacting that…That isn’t dark or sad, that’s just your reality right now. And real friends support you whether you are spewing sunshine and rainbows or retreating to Fort Blankie with some tea and a stuffed animal.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. that is one reason i write here my own mental state. becuause i want to tell people how real it is and they are not alone. i write it as raw as i can. because if i turn this blog into a self help book i will be cheating myself and people who come here.
        right now at work. this is reality. anxiety attack, winds, rain, nothing stops work. even tho i feel weird i’m only person who came to work on the whole floor. i saw like 2 more people only.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hated my job for a long time before I left. Maybe things will change and get better. Have you tried meditation or mindfulness? If not or it didn’t work don’t worry. Just by communicating here you are letting people know how you are feeling. Sharing your thoughts should hope. A question? Are there any choirs you could join locally? They can help with mental health and also you get the chance to meet new people and socialise. X

    Liked by 2 people

    1. U havent tried meditation ever so idk how that’s gonna work. Only thing I know is belly breather I might try that. My friend who know me live told me to take xanax before it gets worse but I have work tomorow and it give me a hangover next day. And it’s not good.
      Honestly I get home so late I have to take care of rest of chores don’t really get time and I’m kinda introvert so idk if that will even work. I did go out with friends yesterday but I feel that made me worse.

      Like

  3. To meditate, first breathe in and breathe out, try and concentrate on your breathing. Count in breath for four seconds, pause, then breathe out for three, pause. Counting helps take your mind off other thoughts. When you feel calm tighten and then relax your toes, then your calves, thighs, back, belly, hands, arms shoulders, neck and head. Eack part of your body is then relaxed. If you fall asleep that’s OK. If you feel like it you can imagine yourself walking down ten stairs, they are covered in nice carpet, you choose the colour of the walls, you are safe and can hold on to a stair rail. At the bottom there is a door with a crystal handle. You open the door and go into a warm room with an open fire and a beautiful sofa. There is a cupboard where you can put your worries in. The worries will have disappeared if you oen the cupboard again. You can sit or lie on the sofa and relax. For a really dero meditation as you sit on the sofa you can go through relaxing your body in your mind again. This was the first meditation I ever did at a yoga class. I try and remember it when I am feeling stressed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. why am i crying? it’s my panic or someone being this considerate to me? there are a lot of times i feel life hasnt been fair to me but then i look at people like you and i see where God is trying to balance it.
      i m so lucky to have you hear. just reading this comment made me tear up. thanks a lot for being with me. love you xx

      Like

  4. I have had anxiety and panic attacks from age 8, yes 63 years of my life. It took me 30 years to find a way of overoming them, as I would passout, throw up, have diahrea, migraine, and they coould last up to 3 or 4 days. Reading about it, and doing the worksheets, finding someone else who suffers that I could phone, and calm me down has helped. Now realizing when they are coming on, and going to the gym to relief them helps.

    My email address is on my site, if you want to make contact.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t remember when anxiety started I feel I have always had it as we have history and I can track it back to my childhood. But I was diagnosed (sort of) at 27. Since then it’s been trial and error.
      Took xanax, had no choice. This time I just dug the hole a bit deeper.

      Thanks for offering help. Mean a lot.

      Like

  5. The world is full of suffering beings. There is also a spring of healing power in the core of each one but it can only heal me if I let it pass thru me to heal others: a stray cat, a lost angel, the old man who lives down the hall, the pan handler I stop to speak with, even if I have no change.
    The healing passes thru me only when I become it’s instrument for healing the whole world, one heart at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Create an exit strategy from that toxic work environment. Toxic stress is the trigger that is causing your anxiety. At almost 60 years old, I look back and now can clearly see the triggers that caused my anxiety. Meditation and yoga never worked for me. What did and has worked is writing down actionable goals and writing down steps and target dates to put me in control of my life. I can only speak for myself, of course, but the best action I ever took was walking away from toxic relationships and toxic jobs. Love yourself first and foremost. Define what truly makes you happy and take steps to put yourself in that place. I know when you’re in the center of the storm, it doesn’t seem like the storm will ever stop-but it will. Just know you are not alone and keep moving forward. I like to sing and dance to Salsa music when I start to get anxious or stressed. It is fun and helps me laugh. Please know you’re in my prayers-you’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. sounds like a plan!
      i’m one of those people who makes lists and that helps. but sometimes when im overwhelmed everything triggers me.
      i will bookmark this posts because that’s how awesome you guys are and your suggestions mean a lot to me. its next afternoon here. im better. and things r better here too 🙂 looks like its getting calmer in the center of storm at least for now 🙂
      thanks a lot for being here 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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