I was making tea and leaves had come to boil. It was time to add milk.
I opened fridge pulled out coconut milk and start pouring with full confidence.
It didn’t take time to hit me it was clear not white.
So I put it back and took out milk carton and went on to complete the process.
Added crushed cardamom to hide any unusual taste and acted like nothing happened.
Art of pretending nothing happened is a skill we all should be tought at school.
Everyone loved the tea.
But I have been weird.
It’s like a third of my brain is perfectly attentive in present, and the rest is focusing on everything I could be doing.
My baby otter keeps me anchored when she is in my hands, becuase no matter what my total attension funnels to her. I think it’s natural when you know it’s an infant and a huge responsibility.
But the rest, I am lost.
People are asking me A I’m answering to Z.
I’m losing my focus, clearly and visibly. Even though I’m juggling a lot of things perfectly all right but in my brain, behind veils, anxiety is being a bitch again.
Hate it when anxiety goes in stealth mode.
Did I mention I’m binge eating like crazy. I’m eating a concerning amount. Reminds me of my prednisone days..
And then came an anti-xanax speech from siblings just because I asked for one.
I told them a million times I’m not abusing xanax. I dont even touch it untill I really have too.
Actually doctors told them 25 years of xanax did this to dad.
I appriciate thier concern.
I am glad my family understands mental health now, we have lost loved ones without even realizing what’s killing them.
That’s why we stress about awareness.
To be aware that this exists is first step towards a path that ultimately leads to treatment, recovery and management.
I still don’t know why people choose to stay in denial.
Some people clearly need help. Their mental illness is too visible to serious to ignore and yet people say things like “they just are like that”
I mean.. it’s not going to end well.
But if you try to say something they attack you by saying you are trying to say that they are mad.
What can you do then?
I think I’m getting tired mentally by thinking about everything that I could be doing. Maybe it’s time to make lists again.
And mailing list invites..I can’t anymore. I’m too tired now. Followers from feb 2019 to june 2019 are left and I have no energy to send invitations now maybe I will continue this later.
Right now I can’t anymore.
And it’s frustrating when your comments go to spam.
Getting a bit dizzy.
That’s all for now.