Balancing act..

Some times a situation digs up all your anxieties and place them against each other in a ring, until it takes shape of a hell in a cell match.

Imagine all your insecurities, guilt, and minutest mistakes, all scampering in a tight space.

It’s an intimidating image and you are afraid of the chaos that’s about to stir any moment.

Your first instinct is to run away. When you can’t, you look for a hand to pull you out.

And when you can’t find one, your mind goes in self-defense mode and mentally amputes you from reality, like a rotting leg.

I reached that point around 10 days back and I was floating in my own home like I’m not a person. I didn’t even know what I felt.

I was hollow.

But my family noticed and made me realize I look disoriented.

Words would pass right through me.

I couldn’t process.

I couldn’t listen.

So, I decided to take a break. I spend this time with myself and books.

I found a piece of charcoal from a bag reserved for barbeque. And sketched this..

And then ruined it..

I might work on it later sometime with a clear head, which I still don’t have.

I have started working on my 2nd poetry collection.

I already have a raw first draft of 120 poems ready, I’m sure I will discard half of them in first edit. My sis insisted I take it slow and don’t overwhelm myself.

The guilt of wasting time is the last thing I want to kill me.

So yea

Just trying to stay put. Trying not to lose it, while doing something on my own pace.

There isn’t much we can do, can we?

Copyright © 2020 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

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15 thoughts on “Balancing act..

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  1. Sounds like journaling may be a good outlet. Just write whatever is in your head to get it out of there. You don’t even have to save the paper, but just getting it out and then seeing it on paper puts it in a new perspective.

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      1. Yes, I journal periodically. Some days I can’t stand the thought of writing. I actually do all my journaling on the computer. My hand aches and I get aggravated if I make a mistake…I’m a little OCD like that! Lol!

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      1. You know what I realised all these days?
        I am introvert. I love to stay at home in my own comfort zone (that i already knew)
        But not having a choice to go out, that’s where it gets frustrating. I am doing a lot better than many outdoorsy people.
        But i miss the freedom to go and get what I want. Plus when everyone all over the world is going through a pandemic it does get to you.

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      2. Exactly! And I don’t even have my normal life stuff with me. Lockdown eased a bit here (which is dangerous) but I will order some art supplies and books.

        And about the rest… I really hope it ends soon, we can’t even foresee it’s damage yet. Let alone plan to deal with it. Plans are out of the window

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      1. It makes me claustrophobic to stay in. My job decided that I can teach online-which we started this Monday. I am thankful to be working after a month but I need to be in a classroom with the human interaction. Online teaching is just not the same to me. I am just praying that we can all get back to our lives as soon as possible. This social distancing is not mentally healthy. Stay safe and just keep looking toward the future. Thinking about taking a trip back to Dublin is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

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