Helpless

Last few weeks have been so heavy i didn’t know what to handle first.

But one thing was center of all of it, my own centre of universe was shaking in front of my eyes.

Even tho i had been talking to dad, thanks to my friends constantly reminding me, i couldn’t know what was going on.

The moment i met dad I stopped in the tracks.

He looked alarmingly better, and that felt not right!

After few conversations i realised my siblings felt that too and that pulled the rug.

He told his doctor his medication is making him too sleepy all the day and he can’t focus so he got his meds tampered down.

And now he was a loose cannon in too many ways.

Understandably his anxiety was through the roof but getting treatment he has gotten better at hiding it.

With mental health you are always in a dilemma. Your meds numb you but if you remove them, its unleashes the monster inside you. Im sorry for putting it this way.

I was talking to him about everything on the planet including some major decisions and in my head i had questions like..

Will he remember this conversation in few hours?

Is he himself right now?

I really hope it not going that way again..

Because i could see some similarities with the last time he went manic, very vivid similarities.

Sitting in front of him , talking to him nonstop all night and feeling that either this is not him, or some other time it wont be him… it shreds your heart and you can’t show it.

You cant make him feel that you dont trust his words. You have to act like he is perfectly fine when clearly this is not the case.

He keeps on saying these days, I’m your father you guys should remember that.

God i just wanted to die.

I didn’t know what to do. I just felt like he is slipping away from my hands. Right in front of my eyes.

At one point i was wondering what should i do if it happens now!

I dont know how i pushed my tears back into my eyes there were moments i could burst out crying. But if i did he was be hurt beyond repair all over again.

He is one of strongest people I know. His manic episode was the most severe one I have known so far and his recovery is the most miraculous recovery I have know. 

I know the demons he is fighting inside and it cuts so deep it kills me every time!

I can read guilt and pain in his eyes and i can’t do nothing.

Parents getting old inculcates a constant fear of losing them. And if there’s only one of them left, he coughs and we run like there’s an earthquake.

I can only pray he stays with us. If i lose him, it will be the end of me. That’s the only thing I’m certain about.

You know whats funny everytime he tries to fix my life he is not ok and when he comes back to reality he acts like nothing happened. It hurts but i got used to it.

I dont know what to do. Life leaves us helpless in too many ways.

Sometimes all you can do is just talk.

And sometimes that all you need. 

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Copyright © 2020 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=> 

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