Latenight realizations..

Before i drop dead let me just ramble a little.

With my plate already turning into an everest of problems, my book is just sitting on the top like a queen of my miseries.

Actually its not that bad but right now its the worst of what im trying to deal with.

Im not sure about cover
Havent even thought about name
Havent selected the poems
After selection will come editing, which is the worst nightmare of a writer. I ghowl shrilling in your ears “this is terrible”

Im already hearing it.

No artworks.

I kinda feel like giving up.

And i kinda feel if i dont do this now, there wont be next time.

October is jsut around the corner and i have to put another everst on existing everst so that i dont have time to feel anything.

Who am i fooling, wish it worked this way.


Books going to take months, i dont think it can happen this yr.

I can still fix a version now and publish it but i dont wanna do that. It has to be good enough.

Other realization. I think adulthood is all about trying to suppress your feelings and moving on.

No matter how badly you hurt, when physically u pop some pills and continue with life.

For mental and really dont have options.

Life’s a fucking mess. And it’s and unfair fucking mess.

I tell sam we will get the good part of life in heaven. Sometimes i just give up on things turning any better here.

Got distracted.


Oh i lost weight because i had a few days long dark phase. Not a nice place. I lose when im depressed idk how to feel about it.

Kids are taking dad to hospital tomorow. Things dont look good. The sad part, whenever he tries to help me everyone takes him to hospital saying he is going manic again. I dont understand this. Well, we will only know tomorow.

Another one. There are some people you never stop missing them. No matter how they treat you. No matter how pathetic they made you feel you just can’t..a point comes you are affraid this pain will never go away. sometimes i hate my heart, i hate myaelf for feeling this way.

Sometimes you knowingly make some decisions that ruin your life. But you have really strong reasons to do so. When you have regrets just look at those reasons, it stops you from taking your life at least.

That’s all folks

P.s. sorry for typos.

12 thoughts on “Latenight realizations..

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    1. It’s not even blame. They love me i live them. But i can’t stand people treating him differently. It cuts him deeply and he has voiced it infront of me. My dad isn’t very expressive but this he shares with me. Its painful as hell.

      Just waiting for that appointment.


  1. I went to sis who asks when I’m coming to her home as I was on sentence of get out brothers. Knowing it’d be a Hassel I still both called and spent the day with her husband and before filing to have my treatment centers moved, even said so now they act as if to save them the Hassel they’ll move my mother to live in a new place as the current is age restrictions by community covenant not an option. Or I’m being put off as if I don’t have to file in advance through social workers to move people think it’s easy street well hand ya later or come up with something! Hahahaha you’ve no time! And thanks for backing out when I count on you. I’ll enjoy being homeless 😂.

    Or um millstones soul on uppie downie bouncy ride? You aren’t alone to face life

    Now book woe. I am a pushy fix everything! Hahaha male. Let’s discuss the issues. You know not as long m hugging you and you’ll sort them and I believe in in you!! Oh no. Let’s fix it fix it fix it! You’re poof jack kerouac this halloween of western silliness he wrote on the road in 3 days. See! Problem solved excepting costume proofs ;). Now for crappie country version as she took down an accoustic one I liked dang it. So kerouac is mentioned…
    Now we move on with my superale fixits with arts. I’m really hoping you’re just taking the damn hug offered you and not particularly seriously I stomp in all white knight salvation a world and not necessarily welcomed away!! But you get as you get! ;). K art. I shoulllld look back so I can even reference your last book for tastes but oh hell no, I’m supermale fix everything!! 🙂 😉 So, I’ve old lady librarian mandela maker who I wanted for my book and I got pooped on by circumstances she was occupied with at the time…drag city and therefore the cover art *I* got was the lady I went chasing hoping love drew and in a way it looks like I’m not holding groceries in silhouette as I took a selfie to inspire her art it looks like I’m swigging brown bagged liquor like a cartoon bum! But if you take inspired snapshots or give them as a direction perhaps you too can annoy me patronizing my hoped ex into more art!! Or there’s nurse texas who has a far different array of artistic leaning screaming colors once played geetar in a rock band and yet is loud enough for ya believe you me and while rich by comparison, she’s simply a good paying job and works hard! She might be the answer. Or there’s an art couple of painting fool my other poet friend who didn’t piss off all the literary support possible like I managed to to put out a book of poems “a year in the life of empty” john e glaze. With an introduction! Yeah no wonder I sold three of mine 😂😂. I’m just a disposessed hack chumpy wants to be an artiste!!! But these two for modest means can art you up! Then there’s teacher mom who also crochets which is the coolest notion book cover hahaha in case you want art of that spirit ;). And if you give me fixes it all any lip about time! That wobbly gadget hermione wore in harry potter movies is gonna get a mention even though I don’t hate pumpkin beer I don’t I just don’t want any currently not having a harry another marathon but I can be placed under a “spell” hardy har har. Thus we have achieved my rambling smile of I fixes it hee hee …go you I believes in you! I can’t make it occur on time but thankfully life is still going now and likely in 2021 too. Or how annoying all this help that isn’t necessarily helpful at all ugh if he just effing listen!!!😁.


    1. i remember reading this comment and laughing and thinking what i have to write in reply.. then blank..
      im sorry im an idiot i see long comments i love them i read them sometimes i write a reply and forget to push reply button and then get busy with everything else.

      sucks when you family backs out. but i learned the lesson earlier in life i guess i just don’t trust anyone..not a single soul. i know it will be me taking care of me in my final inning. partialy i don’t want to burden people when they are enjoying thier lives i don’t want thier pity. i really hope i don’t live too long to face a situation like that.

      ahaha your next book should be “how to publish an awesome book under 3 days” i’m sure you will sell more than 3 books.
      im a dark demented depressed writer and artist. my friend calls me a tragedy artist so these short cuts won’t work with me. poetry has to burst out of my mind then i find it worth placing in a book people are going to pay for. and art.. that’s an even more impulsive process. it has to happen. that’s why books is going to take time and im ok with that.

      but your suggestions made me laugh and smile and i really really appreciate you reading my posts and commenting here. it’s just that sometimes i can’t reply on time, or forget completely.

      have a good day. and thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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