I need a toolbox for myself, since I have crossed human level of damage by miles already. My screws and springs are coming off like broken wall-e, thanks to my simple (self-destructive) coping system.
I see hard day coming -> I over-occupy myself -> I drive myself to physical, mental and emotional fatigue..
I feel I’m not doing enough -> I over-occupy myself -> I drive myself to physical, mental and emotional fatigue..
I lose people and relationships.. ditto..
Anger, fear, despair, failure… same..
Looks like this is how I deal with anything and everything
Not giving my mind an opportunity to ponder over the negativity going on with me, ultimately does lead to negativity when I’m completely shattered by exhaustion and have to resort to melatonin and ibuprofen.
Mornings have been hard for some time now. I was intentionally exhausting myself so that I don’t end up thinking how traumatizing this months is.
I would wake up, think about one thing that someone did wrong to me and then… have you seen that long string of colored napkins that clowns pull out of their pockets??
Yea that’s how I would pull out a long string of everything that ever went wrong with me, after few hours, yes hours! I would be defeated and demoralized with too many negative emotions butchering my left-over self-worth.
Then a time came I couldn’t take it anymore and talked to a friend, she said a lot of things that I don’t remember but few did help me so I thought why not I share with you guys too
- Sometimes we are just blinded to our efforts and achievements. Make a list of your achievements of last few years.
- Make a list of things you did since morning. Take pictures if you want.
- Success doesn’t necessarily equates to happiness.
- Every effort counts, don’t downplay your own success (I did a reblog on the same subject few days back).
- Sometimes people don’t help you maybe because they don’t realize how important it is to you.
- Every morning you wake up, is a new opportunity, a new chance at life.
And she suggested a podcast, I chose an episode. Its like 35 mins long but in 10 minutes the girl discussed few tools to deal with self-hate. She said we need to have an internal dialogue with ourselves and need to tell our inner self that:
- I’m doing my best and that’s all I can literally do.
- I’m an over-thinker not an under-thinker and I thought this thing to death.
- I’m not psychic and can’t predict a future, if I could predict I would have chosen a different option.
- It’s not about me. If someone is having a reaction it’s not in my control. We don’t make anyone do anything.
- That was the right answer because it was the best one I could think of at that time.
(Podcast name “Help Me Be Me”, Episode 135)
Next day I woke up and was out of bed within 10 minutes. I didn’t even realize I didn’t try to pull out napkins. I didn’t even touch them.
I got up, cooked and ate, listened to podcast and few lectures while I was unpacking. Few hours into the day I realized the impact that conversation with my friend and those tools had on me.
Well I still overworked and had to take ibuprofen, eventually.
But I wasn’t loathing and doubting myself.
Life isn’t easy for most of us. Most times we have to save ourselves from our own mind.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.