Frozen

I thought maybe I have healed to some extend, maybe I actually have.

I don’t know why I suddenly feel cold and numb, like everything has come to a sudden halt.

Conversations are just getting harder for whole family, you can hear their voice trembling and breaking even though we all try extremely hard to stay strong for each other.

Today, I just don’t know.

I feel frozen. I can’t move.

I don’t know what made me look for posts 3 years back. I don’t know what was I looking for.

I didn’t know how to find whatever my heart was searching for so I wrote word cancer.

And I found this post (https://stoneronarollercoaster.com/2017/10/14/the-small-pebble/) I did 3 years back here, and guess what, it was today, 14 Oct 2017.

She had been battling for 2 years and I had been blogging for around a year but I just couldn’t gather strength to bring it up.

This whole month is anniversaries of one trauma after another.

Whoever said time helps, was wrong.

I don’t know what to do with this scary silence.

I started writing and this is what I did..

Screenshot_20201014-221607_Samsung Notes

Might complete it some day

But honestly it feels like my own system is abandoning me.

I read comments under that post and it did stir my heart and I felt that searing gush of pain running through me, but nothing. No tears.

Its like this whole tornado keeps whirling inside me totaling my strength, and me.

But outside.

It’s like a giant glacier, frozen and still.

Idk what i’m doing here. If your have your parents you don’t know what you have…

10 thoughts on “Frozen

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  1. Today’s Wednesday and Friday I can play that The Jet’s “make it real… Tonight, it’s been a year we met each other here…
    It’s been 3 and 3 months since she went across the threshold of another’s. It s the second home since returning “home” -the kiddo poured pichers of dirt across the carpet….at least I took out the trash too atop failing to quell mr chaos.

    It’s a touch comedic in a way.

    I still see so little progress back out of this state of affairs.

    I can say I forgot 15 years agos names progress marched away finally from there and then. I forget more and it’s easier and faster but still geologic progress truly forward. The last ten though!

    Or I haven’t any more answers save focusing upon forward happiness and hoping it forwards in that hope. Be that a modest modest success in coalesced projects and life’s themes. Bit of entertainment turn the booger things about or forward in treatment as these days it’s years it seems and not for healing just progress further safer within treatments.

    Or that is me on empathetics of me. I’m still a dash bashed out big spirits. I may take a nap heh.

    That said sunflowers.
    Something of a sunshines happy
    Tacos of a crock bubbling hours
    Garnishes crisp aromatic and crackling
    Seeds to snack
    Paper to wrap
    Oil to fry
    Don’t till the wastes
    Or next year’s plants will die

    Liked by 1 person

    1. what’s happening in first paragraph? maybe im too foggy can’t really focus on anything.
      Actually the whole comment. I find anything beyong A B C too complecated. guess that happens when you have a lot on your mind at once. i need meditation in my life.

      but the whole comment must be something kind and supportive as always and thank you so much for that. you spending your time and enegy reading my posts and being so eloquent (sometimes to complicateded for my tiny brain) means a lot to me.

      Thank you so much!

      Like

      1. I got blocked after being told my I love you was abhorant to her using me to taste the dream of love she wanted which treated my i love you as an affair to be disposed of when she didn’t have better with me and my love. tomoroww it’s been a literal year from talking daily for hours to absolutely dead empty silence. it’s obvious I was used and lost… nevermind I gambled ever bit of health and hope to be there and thus am on end of life renal care and utterly bankrupted by options while I get up a space of my own repaying debts all because i offered the hope of love out and got chosen against. that’s what’s at play in the first paragraph. seeing the hug come with agrowing yes hold me but oh hell no you aren’t getting any yum yum as someone else counts not YOU. or believe me, I’m well aware of watching the crushing unsaid unspoken words of others ..believe me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. What the heck is wrong with people!!! 😡🤬
        im sorry someone did that to you. but i’m glad that person didn’t stick in your life and belittled your feelings for them every single day!
        people can be just horrible. She should have thought when she wasted hours of your day.
        but i think you are better without a person like her.

        hope things get better for you.

        Like

      3. personally, I’m of the opinion I sabotage myself just as much as I bitch I get a shafting in life from others. I can clearly see how i set myself up for what I’d have said was a free choice which in myworld means if chosen I’m chosen for me but risk utter ruin giving such out and aww cry cr y cry if people pick the easy outs? water flows via the easiest pathways! you mightt see this as arealization of a life of codependant behaviour just now getting a chance to choose me more often in safer contexts and consequences. of course I can be just like any other feels a fool approaching the life I want and sometimes we all win as we also can lose. I may not be broken in the codependant ways and thbook on diagnosing illnesses and catching the fright of your life facing suddenly the worsts in illnesses all of a sudden when those same lines don’t bring with them much treatment hopes lol.
        I mean I may be boring normal!. usyet in this thoughts of soup I feel more empowered facing this all mess saying of myself just step forward, rebuild what may rebuild and face again even in changed abilities and circumstances what still remains just as possible as it ever was. take responsibility to fight onward for what i want not whine like a baby it frustratingly and in costly ways I like anyone in life making choices face consequenses. if they bounce towards ugly bummer make better choices! keep getting UP. that is all that matters. but this is just me and my now. sick and tired of blame games and bull crap crying just proactively and happily trying. just a dash so far unlucky… that’s like reading a

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