I feel like a horrible person.
I thought I was doing well and staying calm but it suddenly hit me like a basketball in the face (trust me I literally know how it feels in the middle of a match)
So yesterday it started happening. The buildup of excruciating pain is like a scared child crying in anguish knocking your ribcage to set it free.
Your ribs feel like iron bars. Outside your as cold as a grey solid prison, with all of your pain locked-up inside you.
But inside you are a human and those cries are building an inferno.
I don’t know if this will ever change or of this can. Maybe I never got the outlet and if I haven’t gotten it yet, I doubt I ever will.
But here’s the problem.
My friends don’t deserve to see me like this.
I can’t keep on dragging them down the habit hole with me, that too, a depressing one.
We are half way through October, before yesterday, it was going fine but now it’s happening again.
That conflict of extremes within myself might turn me into something I don’t want my real life friends witnessing.
They love me, care about me, stand by me through thick and thin, they don’t deserve this!
I don’t blame friends who chose to distance from me, everyone has right to do anything for their mental peace. If my problems were getting too much for them, eventually I would feel bad. I don’t expect people to understand what they haven’t experienced. I miss them tho..
I have to push through rest of the month. If I don’t try, might not be able to get up for next 2 3 months.
Here’s a simple plan.
- Stay away from real life friends! I have already made sure they don’t come here to check. Gave them reasons not to.
- Write, let it out no matter how ugly vulnerable it is. if there’s some opportunity for a little bit of trauma to leak from that prison I shouldn’t stop it.
- Talk to dad. He needs this. It’s hardest for him.
- Study study study! Yea I’m done with 1 course revision (out of 14) even tho I was distracted most times much but it’s ok. I passed these exams it must be somewhere in my brain.
- Self-care. Whenever, wherever, whatever I can do to feel better.
- Art for therapy. Don’t have to be hard on myself.
- Mental health awareness Re-blogs. These will continue. Please do read them they are helpful.
- Organize and declutter. It’s constant these days.
Most important, don’t overwhelm myself. This is the toughest I swear but I easily push myself in overdrive.
Just 16 more days..
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.