October Plans

I feel like a horrible person.

I thought I was doing well and staying calm but it suddenly hit me like a basketball in the face (trust me I literally know how it feels in the middle of a match)

Well.

So yesterday it started happening. The buildup of excruciating pain is like a scared child crying in anguish knocking your ribcage to set it free.

Your ribs feel like iron bars. Outside your as cold as a grey solid prison, with all of your pain locked-up inside you.

But inside you are a human and those cries are building an inferno.

I don’t know if this will ever change or of this can. Maybe I never got the outlet and if I haven’t gotten it yet, I doubt I ever will.

But here’s the problem.

My friends don’t deserve to see me like this.

I can’t keep on dragging them down the habit hole with me, that too, a depressing one.

We are half way through October, before yesterday, it was going fine but now it’s happening again.

That conflict of extremes within myself might turn me into something I don’t want my real life friends witnessing.

They love me, care about me, stand by me through thick and thin, they don’t deserve this!

I don’t blame friends who chose to distance from me, everyone has right to do anything for their mental peace. If my problems were getting too much for them, eventually I would feel bad. I don’t expect people to understand what they haven’t experienced. I miss them tho..

Well.

I have to push through rest of the month. If I don’t try, might not be able to get up for next 2 3 months.

Here’s a simple plan.

1. Stay away from real life friends! I have already made sure they don’t come here to check. Gave them reasons not to.
2. Write, let it out no matter how ugly vulnerable it is. if there’s some opportunity for a little bit of trauma to leak from that prison I shouldn’t stop it.
3. Talk to dad. He needs this. It’s hardest for him.
4. Study study study! Yea I’m done with 1 course revision (out of 14) even tho I was distracted most times much but it’s ok. I passed these exams it must be somewhere in my brain.
5. Self-care. Whenever, wherever, whatever I can do to feel better.
6. Art for therapy. Don’t have to be hard on myself.
7. Mental health awareness Re-blogs. These will continue. Please do read them they are helpful.
8. Organize and declutter. It’s constant these days.

Most important, don’t overwhelm myself. This is the toughest I swear but I easily push myself in overdrive.

Just 16 more days..

..

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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

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