October Plans

I feel like a horrible person.

I thought I was doing well and staying calm but it suddenly hit me like a basketball in the face (trust me I literally know how it feels in the middle of a match)

Well.

So yesterday it started happening. The buildup of excruciating pain is like a scared child crying in anguish knocking your ribcage to set it free.

Your ribs feel like iron bars. Outside your as cold as a grey solid prison, with all of your pain locked-up inside you.

But inside you are a human and those cries are building an inferno.

I don’t know if this will ever change or of this can. Maybe I never got the outlet and if I haven’t gotten it yet, I doubt I ever will.

But here’s the problem.

My friends don’t deserve to see me like this.

I can’t keep on dragging them down the habit hole with me, that too, a depressing one.

We are half way through October, before yesterday, it was going fine but now it’s happening again.

That conflict of extremes within myself might turn me into something I don’t want my real life friends witnessing.

They love me, care about me, stand by me through thick and thin, they don’t deserve this!

I don’t blame friends who chose to distance from me, everyone has right to do anything for their mental peace. If my problems were getting too much for them, eventually I would feel bad. I don’t expect people to understand what they haven’t experienced. I miss them tho..

Well.

I have to push through rest of the month. If I don’t try, might not be able to get up for next 2 3 months.

Here’s a simple plan.

  1. Stay away from real life friends! I have already made sure they don’t come here to check. Gave them reasons not to.
  2. Write, let it out no matter how ugly vulnerable it is. if there’s some opportunity for a little bit of trauma to leak from that prison I shouldn’t stop it.
  3. Talk to dad. He needs this. It’s hardest for him.
  4. Study study study! Yea I’m done with 1 course revision (out of 14) even tho I was distracted most times much but it’s ok. I passed these exams it must be somewhere in my brain.
  5. Self-care. Whenever, wherever, whatever I can do to feel better.
  6. Art for therapy. Don’t have to be hard on myself.
  7. Mental health awareness Re-blogs. These will continue. Please do read them they are helpful.
  8. Organize and declutter. It’s constant these days.

Most important, don’t overwhelm myself. This is the toughest I swear but I easily push myself in overdrive.

Just 16 more days..

..

pngfuel.com (1)

Copyright © 2020 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=>  ss ebook 2020 small

19 thoughts on “October Plans

Add yours

  1. I just wanted to say that I can feel whatever you are going through and it is really tough, but you don’t have the right to block your friends from loving you in your toughest times. You deserve all kind of love and right now you need it the most, so you might not want to go to your friends right now but don’t even stop them from coming to you. Those who really love you will want to stay with you in the time when you are not yourself. It’s there choice to stay, don’t take it away from them. Sending you love and lots of energy, I hope this phase for you pass soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t even block them they will freak out. Won’t let them know how insanely vulnerable I’m and how bad it’s going to get. Short conversations and all…

      I know they will, they will desperately try to be there but they don’t deserve sad mad psychotic me, or numb depressed suicidal me. I know you are right but I can’t hurt few genuinely nice people I have.

      thank you so much for your kind words and concern. means a lot to me.
      I hope so too..

      Like

  2. I, too have a problem with overloading myself. I feel like it picks up with momentum as time moves on until one day I’m too exhausted to even think about doing anything else. I hate that you are having a tough time. I hope it gets better. -S.D.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can definitely relate to your concern about finding balance. I start my day with my prayer of thankfulness. During the day I name at least one blessing that I have- I can see the sunrise. I can hear the birds sing. . .it multiplies those blessings that I name. When I am emotionally depleted I ask that my friends tell me at least one joyful moment that they can recall. My favorite saying is “I’d rather light one candle than curse the darkness.” This life can be very, very cold and dark, but there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. God loves us and he is the light to turn to with thankfulness, (even when it feels as if all there is is pain and suffering). Just stay strong and know that your friends and family love you and that God does (immensely).

        Liked by 1 person

      2. “I’d rather light one candle than curse the darkness.” that’s beautiful!

        When im sinking my friend tell me to do an excersize where you write your 3 blessings, 3 things you did today, and your 3 qualities. it helps!

        You are too kind. thanks for sharing your heart with us 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to inkedgrey Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: