Ghosting and Self-care??

We have started to normalize insensitivity at astounding speed. 

A word is tossed into social media and watch it being used in the most unrelated context, to a point where it loses its meaning.

Toxic and narcissism are two such words.

Recently I read somewhere, “Ghosting is also a form of self-care”.

My mind highlighted ghosting and self-care and screamed “WHAT THE HECK!!”

First of all, the spotlight shifted to self-care because almost all of us have hasty lifestyle, and we tend to ignore our own physical, mental and emotional needs while we are busy fulfilling expectations the entire world has from us.

There’s nothing wrong with fulfilling expectations unless it’s on an unhealthy level.

Nothing wrong with making money and striving for a better life.

Nothing wrong with making other happy too.

But all of that does take a toll on us, especially our mental health.

For me that’s where self-care plays the part. When you spent 15 to 17 hours (24 – sleep) working on doing what you are supposed to do, there’s nothing wrong with spending 30 minutes to 1 hour on yourself, treating you mind, body and soul.

Self-care can also be little things you do along the way, while you are running errands.

Where did ghosting someone fall into this?

I looked at its literal meaning again:

“end a personal relationship with (someone) by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication”.

And, NO!

This cannot be self care I’m sorry.

You don’t want to talk to someone, for whatever reason, just tell them without being insensitive (or a**hole) about it.

Keeping someone hanging in pain and confusion for answers, when you casually go along with your life, is brutal.

For a moment, imagine somebody doing this to you. Did you shudder?

If not, at some point karma will make you.

I don’t understand stupid trends that go viral. Why doesn’t anything sensible go viral?

And you know what scares me?

These trends start to constitute a culture.

Somebody picked ghosting and lumped it with self-care.

Humans are successfully becoming ultimate carriers of ignorant trends.

..

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18 thoughts on “Ghosting and Self-care??

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  1. Ghosting is part of the “throw-away” mentality. It hurts the one ghosted (to what degree is on a case by case happening) and lets the ghoster just walk away instead of owning up to that dismissal of someone else.
    It is an example of one thing that is rotting away our society, local or worldwide.
    It’s not a kind thing to do to the one who is ghosted.
    People matter. Both sides.
    It is a spineless maneuver.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Couldn’t agree more. Every word of it.
      I’m affraid these spineless maneuvers are seeping into society and turning into norms. This is what scares me. People normalizing being insensitive.
      There are problems we are acknoledging and there are problems we are inventing.
      I remember growing up it was a mean thing to not answer anyone. this used to be offensive.
      Thank you for this comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So, your post has kinda stuck with me the past few days…
    I’ve been pondering the whole ghost approach (whether it’s just long periods of radio silence on one end or a permanent disconnect) for a few months and if it’s ever anything more than toxic behavior in and of itself.
    “You don’t want to talk to someone, for whatever reason, just tell them without being insensitive (or a**hole) about it.”
    Like this makes sense to me. People are less likely to learn and do better if no one addresses what went wrong. And society-at-large would probably be better off if more people effectively communicate. Plus, it just tends to suck when someone drops you seemingly out of nowhere.
    Yet, it’s not like anyone is obligated to explain what went wrong, if anything did.
    And it’s not like ghosting automatically comes from a black-and-white situation. [Not that you implied this, but I think we’re pretty use to and somewhat expect the whole “X person did something I don’t approve of and now I’m going to drop them without explanation” narrative.] Sometimes people have explained their problems or worries beforehand, they keep the relationship going, decide nothing is changing, and so they finally ghost.
    Or someone tries to communicate, but they’re not sure how to express it and it’s too messy to understand or the other person adamantly dismisses their attempts, so it’s “ghosting time.” Other times, the other person doesn’t have the energy or enough awareness to meaningfully confront the other person. [Not to say that’s a good enough reason, but isn’t it self-care to accept where you’re at and do what you can to make the situation better for yourself?]
    And it’s situations like those that I imagine why you can associate ghosting with self-care. Sure, it’s not the same thing as going for a walk outside to clear your head or a long bubble bath, but it is taking care of your self. I think self-care as a concept is just growing to encompass more things as the ideology grows, but also splits.
    Anyway, that’s just where my head is atm. Thanks for writing this points, it’s helped me to get a clearer idea of where different people are coming from.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First of all, I’m glad you shared your thought process. Thanks for that.

      Whether someone is oblidged to explain what went wrong depends on the situation and relation. Sometimes it’s not like a candy you ate halfway and decided you don’t like it and threw it away. I have seen people ghosting their parents and vice versa.
      If people have communicated their worried beforehand and things doesn’t seem to change, wouldn’t informing them about ghosting plans be a better way to handle this?
      Some people have major abandonment issues, they can’t deal with people suddenly leaving them without at least informing. I’m one of them and I know plenty of people with the same problem. So this is real and serious.
      People have landed in hospitals when they were suddenly abandoned.
      I have seen someone end up in ICU after a heartbreak. So people can’t be just taken out of someone’s life.

      If someone has communicated, and it’s messy and confusing and it’s evident things are going to end, I think it won’t be 100% ghosting for the other person either.
      You would know when it’s the last resort and you have done your best to have a respectful exit for both the sides.

      For me things always boils down to “what will I feel if someone did this to me?” And my conscience at this point in life doesn’t allow this.

      Not that i haven’t left people or situations, not that I have drawn boundaries where a relationship took a toll on my mental health. But I think I have seen enough to know the consequences it has on others. Even then vanishing and not answering to someone’s constant attemps still doesn’t feel like the right thing to do.

      A lot depends on personal experiences. I have seen people completely fall apart.

      Again, depends a lot on the relationship you have with the person and the over all situation. My concern is people normalizing it.

      You welcome.
      And again thanks for sharing your perspective. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “If people have communicated their worried beforehand and things doesn’t seem to change, wouldn’t informing them about ghosting plans be a better way to handle this?”

        Mostly yes. I think in most cases, it’s at least the “mature” thing to do, if not the “right” thing to do. And I would prefer this to be the default setting. But, I also think the most we can hope from other people is that they say something at any point if they’re unhappy with the relationship (regardless of what type it is). And so, if someone already communicated that they were unhappy or (just disliked) things as they are, maybe we shouldn’t expect (only hope) for a final discussion. Otherwise, we’re expecting someone to seriously speak up twice and I’m not sure how likely that is in today’s society.

        “People have landed in hospitals when they were suddenly abandoned.
        I have seen someone end up in ICU after a heartbreak. So people can’t be just taken out of someone’s life.”

        I think on some level, this is just unavoidable, even if we lived in a society that was much more considerate and concerned for others. It’s impossible to know for sure how people are going to respond to your actions. You can suspect their reactions and/or be considerate. But, at the end of the day we’re all different people and at best, will try to do good by one another and for ourselves. But, different people require more trying in different contexts. And we vary in what we’re good at and when. Some people are good at communicating and trying when things are good, but horrible once they’re displeased with someone. That doesn’t make their actions excusable, but it is the reality of who they currently are. Just like how some people are naturally going to be hit a lot harder by ghosting.

        So, I think what we can do is promote handling relationships better (ex: avoid ghosting) and teach tools for communicating more effectively. But we also need to be aware of (or build more?) tools and lessons for when someone is less able to healthily cope with being ghosted or just gets devastated by it. There’s always going to be inconsiderate and outright jerks. Especially since we all have different perspectives. So, I think the problem of ghosting needs to be looked at as not just how to decrease it, but mitigate its affect on us. [And I know that’s easier said than done, but I’m not sure there’s another option that’s sustainable.]

        “If someone has communicated, and it’s messy and confusing and it’s evident things are going to end, I think it won’t be 100% ghosting for the other person either.
        You would know when it’s the last resort and you have done your best to have a respectful exit for both the sides.”
        I think it’s not always easy to tell that things are ending, even if you discuss it beforehand and don’t actually ghost. Often enough someone takes it as “that’s not a serious issue. See you next week.” And that same person will still claim they’re being ghosted afterwards, if not genuinely perceive it as such because the “issue” wasn’t an issue in their eyes.

        “Again, depends a lot on the relationship you have with the person and the over all situation. My concern is people normalizing it.”
        Yeah, I think this is what it boils down to. Relationships are complicated and each one is different. So, how to end them can be messy.

        I feel like social rules (in my experience) use to be more strict overall and so many people didn’t ghost as often, but maybe they really wanted to? But, at the same time, I feel like ghosting has been normal for years, especially in certain circles/contexts (like maybe regarding co-workers). But, that it use to happen in ways that were less “you’re totally suddenly ignoring me.”
        Like not talking to most friends from high school by the time you graduate college isn’t uncommon (I think). But, it comes across as more of a natural break because we expect it on some level, are aware that it exists, and/or may have experienced it before like with your middle school to high school transition.

        And so, I kinda feel like we’re close enough to that stage (or already there) with ghosting. But maybe not close enough that it’s mostly “ah, this again.” But, who knows, maybe we won’t ever get use enough to ghosting as a society.

        I really do appreciate the reply, thank you again.

        [P.S. Sorry for the long replies. And I didn’t mean for the format to be so clumped together. I’m not sure why that happened…]

        Like

      2. Your reply is still better than mine, at least I can see which part you are referring too. And don’t apologize for long replies, I appreciate healthy discussion.

        “Mostly yes. I think in most cases, it’s at least the “mature” thing to do, if not the “right” thing to do. And I would prefer this to be the default setting. But, I also think the most we can hope from other people is that they say something at any point if they’re unhappy with the relationship (regardless of what type it is). And so, if someone already communicated that they were unhappy or (just disliked) things as they are, maybe we shouldn’t expect (only hope) for a final discussion. Otherwise, we’re expecting someone to seriously speak up twice and I’m not sure how likely that is in today’s society.”

        If someone isn’t able to communicate they are not happy in a relationship, they are probably not close enough already. it’s already a dead relationship on some level. unless it’s a boss or something but then you don’t ghost your boss lol.

        So if there’s mildest form of attachment in a relationship you should be able to speak up if something is wrong, and speak up with honesty. if you are not clearly talking about actual problem you are never going to solve it. Maybe clear communication will make it easier for the other person to understand why it’s better to end things.

        “I think on some level, this is just unavoidable, even if we lived in a society that was much more considerate and concerned for others. It’s impossible to know for sure how people are going to respond to your actions. You can suspect their reactions and/or be considerate. But, at the end of the day we’re all different people and at best, will try to do good by one another and for ourselves. But, different people require more trying in different contexts. And we vary in what we’re good at and when. Some people are good at communicating and trying when things are good, but horrible once they’re displeased with someone. That doesn’t make their actions excusable, but it is the reality of who they currently are. Just like how some people are naturally going to be hit a lot harder by ghosting.”

        I agree with you on this. Some people are more vulnerable and volatile and they feel emotions on a deeper level than most people. i would count myself in that category but people around me know this for the fact. If someone is actually close to me enough that thier sudden absense would hurt me, they would try to handle it differently. IF they didn’t, they probably weren’t even that close.

        “So, I think what we can do is promote handling relationships better (ex: avoid ghosting) and teach tools for communicating more effectively. But we also need to be aware of (or build more?) tools and lessons for when someone is less able to healthily cope with being ghosted or just gets devastated by it. There’s always going to be inconsiderate and outright jerks. Especially since we all have different perspectives. So, I think the problem of ghosting needs to be looked at as not just how to decrease it, but mitigate its affect on us. [And I know that’s easier said than done, but I’m not sure there’s another option that’s sustainable.]”

        completely agree with you here. there only can be efforts to mitigate the effect, results can’t be guaranteed. we are humans.

        “I think it’s not always easy to tell that things are ending, even if you discuss it beforehand and don’t actually ghost. Often enough someone takes it as “that’s not a serious issue. See you next week.” And that same person will still claim they’re being ghosted afterward, if not genuinely perceive it as such because the “issue” wasn’t an issue in their eyes.”

        I didn’t get this part.

        “I feel like social rules (in my experience) use to be more strict overall and so many people didn’t ghost as often, but maybe they really wanted to? But, at the same time, I feel like ghosting has been normal for years, especially in certain circles/contexts (like maybe regarding co-workers). But, that it use to happen in ways that were less “you’re totally suddenly ignoring me.”
        Like not talking to most friends from high school by the time you graduate college isn’t uncommon (I think). But, it comes across as more of a natural break because we expect it on some level, is aware that it exists, and/or may have experienced it before like with your middle school to high school transition.”

        I think people were more thoughtful. Vanishing from someone’s life didn’t feel right. Social norms may be, ending relationships were harder in general. That’s why people would get stuck in relationships (especially marriages) even when they wanted out.

        With coworkers, things are never that close. Mixing work and personal life don’t really go well. You go to work, work, be nice to people in general, and come back home. I don’t think you are obliged to make them part of your life beyond that.

        With friends from student life, it’s mostly natural and mutual.

        I really hope we don’t get used to ghosting. It shouldn’t be a practice or it people will stop being responsible in relationships.

        This was the purpose of my post. I don’t want to see this becoming a normal practice. I have been advocating mental health awareness and I have seen what happens when being insensitive is normalized.

        Thanks again for voicing your opinion. It matters. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. “If someone isn’t able to communicate they are not happy in a relationship, they are probably not close enough already. it’s already a dead relationship on some level. unless it’s a boss or something but then you don’t ghost your boss lol.”

        You’re right. Now, I wonder how much “ghosting” happens between people that are arguably close vs “we weren’t really all that close beforehand.”

        “If someone is actually close to me enough that thier sudden absense would hurt me, they would try to handle it differently. IF they didn’t, they probably weren’t even that close.”

        Yeah, that makes sense. I think we each have certain expectations for the people that we really know and those people are usually aware of (and usually respect) those expectations. If someone can’t respect a decent expectation like not dropping you out of nowhere then (chances are) I think it says a lot more about the nature of the relationship than anything else.

        “I didn’t get this part.”

        (…feel free to ignore this section. I maybe switched gears into overthinking.)
        My bad. An example would be: Maya thinks that Jake is pretentious and regularly talks down on her. So, Maya explains to Jake what she thinks about his behavior and and how it’s affecting her. But, Jake disagrees with Maya’s perspective on his behavior and doesn’t try to change it. This leads to Maya eventually “having enough” and telling Jake they’re done. However, Jake doesn’t take Maya seriously because to him, there was nothing wrong in the first place. So when Maya doesn’t respond back to his messages, he considers it as “ghosting.”
        [The point of this: I think sometimes when people claim they were ghosted it actually wasn’t so, but the “ghostee” didn’t fully acknowledge or connect the events that brought on the end of the relationship. Yet, this distinction (or misinformation) isn’t made apparent to us when someone becomes another “ghosting is awful” tweet. And I think it’s kinda affecting the broad conversation around ghosting.
        Because I see some people go “dropping someone out of nowhere is ghosting and it’s bad,” while others are “dropping someone is ghosting and it’s bad.” I think the first is more “ghosting is bad because it’s unexpected and feels drastic.” But the second is usually more, “ghosting means you’re the problem and there’s no excuse for that,” which is problematic, at least in part, because someone can just claim they were ghosted and be the “victim.” Which then (when people catch on to the “I’m totally a victim” tactic) also starts to discredit/brew mistrust for people that genuinely got ghosted and are devastated by it]

        “I think people were more thoughtful. Vanishing from someone’s life didn’t feel right. Social norms may be, ending relationships were harder in general. That’s why people would get stuck in relationships (especially marriages) even when they wanted out.”

        This is a very good point. I do think that social norms, or better yet social *expectations* may have played a large role in what made things like that. But, you’re right. Whether it was a genuine thoughtfulness of living in a different age or different social expectations, relationships were harder to end.

        “With coworkers, things are never that close. Mixing work and personal life don’t really go well. You go to work, work, be nice to people in general, and come back home. I don’t think you are obliged to make them part of your life beyond that.”

        I agree. Although, I have made the “mistake” of being friends with coworkers. And I think it’s harder to avoid it depending on your country’s and/or company’s culture. Like in some countries (or jobs) you’re socially expected (and pressured) to hangout with coworkers outside of work, whether it’s to even give you a chance of a promotion or getting assigned to the fun project or just “prove” your loyalty. So, in such cases I think it’s more messy to say whether it’s socially acceptable or not to ghost.

        “I really hope we don’t get used to ghosting. It shouldn’t be a practice or it people will stop being responsible in relationships.

        This was the purpose of my post. I don’t want to see this becoming a normal practice. I have been advocating mental health awareness and I have seen what happens when being insensitive is normalized.”

        Definitely. I’m also concerned how this will affect people taking serious responsibility in their relationships. It kinda feels like a good portion of people already struggle to look pass “I’m right and you’re wrong” to focus on “what needs to happen so we’re both honest, but also okay at the end of this”

        I do think there’s ways that ghosting *could* be understandable and even acceptable. But, yeah, I don’t have enough faith in people that ghosting will be saved for “Emergency Only/No Other Options” times. So, it is probably best for our society that we shut it down as much as possible.

        P.S.S It’s been a pleasure discussing this with you. I don’t like emojis, but just know I’ve really enjoyed our exchange.

        Like

      4. “An example would be: Maya thinks that Jake is pretentious and regularly talks down on her. So, Maya explains to Jake what she thinks about his behavior and and how it’s affecting her. But, Jake disagrees with Maya’s perspective on his behavior and doesn’t try to change it. This leads to Maya eventually “having enough” and telling Jake they’re done. However, Jake doesn’t take Maya seriously because to him, there was nothing wrong in the first place. So when Maya doesn’t respond back to his messages, he considers it as “ghosting.”

        Sounds like Jake never took Maya seriously. If he couldn’t see the problem or didn’t do anything when she explained, it was more like one sided relationship. This isn’t even ghosting to me.

        Nothing wrong with ending a relationship where it’s hurting one party or both. But it should and can be respectable. Or at least attempts can be made to minimize the damage.

        Ghosting is turning into a cool thing to do, just to show “i have power to walk in and out of people’s life whenever I want”. This is where I get shudders, youngsters are specially using it as an ego-booster.

        “Because I see some people go “dropping someone out of nowhere is ghosting and it’s bad,” while others are “dropping someone is ghosting and it’s bad.” I think the first is more “ghosting is bad because it’s unexpected and feels drastic.” But the second is usually more, “ghosting means you’re the problem and there’s no excuse for that,” which is problematic, at least in part, because someone can just claim they were ghosted and be the “victim.” Which then (when people catch on to the “I’m totally a victim” tactic) also starts to discredit/brew mistrust for people that genuinely got ghosted and are devastated by it]”

        That’s another way this whole thing is exploited. Not that relationships didn’t end before, first a new tern was tossed and now it’s abused even further. It’s like every other injustice. A campaign starts to end a problem, and a certain segment starts to misuse it, Me Too, Mental Health awareness, Black Lives matter, you name it. There’s always someone trying to crawl under the umbrella and that damages whole campaign.

        “I agree. Although, I have made the “mistake” of being friends with coworkers. And I think it’s harder to avoid it depending on your country’s and/or company’s culture. Like in some countries (or jobs) you’re socially expected (and pressured) to hangout with coworkers outside of work, whether it’s to even give you a chance of a promotion or getting assigned to the fun project or just “prove” your loyalty. So, in such cases I think it’s more messy to say whether it’s socially acceptable or not to ghost.”

        I know. Been there, done that and paid the price.

        “It kinda feels like a good portion of people already struggle to look pass “I’m right and you’re wrong” to focus on “what needs to happen so we’re both honest, but also okay at the end of this”

        I agree. There’s always someone hurt in the end. But I still believe it we can at try to make an exit less damaging, as much as we can.

        “I do think there’s ways that ghosting *could* be understandable and even acceptable. But, yeah, I don’t have enough faith in people that ghosting will be saved for “Emergency Only/No Other Options” times. So, it is probably best for our society that we shut it down as much as possible.”

        That’s the whole point. I totally support leaving people and situations that are hurting you but I also support trying to fix the problem first and clearly communicate with complete honestly. Maybe in the end it was something really small and could be fixed easily if both sides talked, listened and understood. Things can be a lot less messy.

        I’m glad and the feeling is mutual.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “It’s like every other injustice. A campaign starts to end a problem, and a certain segment starts to misuse it, Me Too, Mental Health awareness, Black Lives matter, you name it. There’s always someone trying to crawl under the umbrella and that damages whole campaign.”

    Totally. It’s hard to gauge how this keeps happening and to such an extent.
    I guess part of it is that it’s “drama,” so both the media and regular people acknowledge it (if not condone or condemn).
    But (and this might be my lack of history knowledge talking), I wonder if a large part of it is that current times is the highest point in history (so far) when so many people (and organizations or just groups) have been able to and effectively spread their views. I feel like in the past, we were so use to movements having a key spokesman. And whenever a movement or ideology began to split, people could point to someone else who was “obviously” in charge of that segment. And I think that’s so hard to do now. Anyone could potentially build a platform and intentionally or not, with good intentions or bad ones, change the narrative and ideas behind the original movement or ideology.
    It’s kinda like we’re so connected, but as both individuals and as a society, we’re still grasping at how to manage it.
    It feels like right now so easily demonstrates how opinionated and varied we are individually in terms of what we believe in, support, and the approaches we take. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. But, because we’re often shown these differences (both minor and major) constantly, and they’re still grouped as “oh, this *is* self-care” or “this too *is* a part of BLM” it just ends up undermining, contradicting, overwhelming, and/or redefining the movement.

    “That’s the whole point. I totally support leaving people and situations that are hurting you but I also support trying to fix the problem first and clearly communicate with complete honestly. Maybe in the end it was something really small and could be fixed easily if both sides talked, listened and understood. Things can be a lot less messy.”

    Very much so.
    I wonder if globally we could roll out some new universal people skill approaches. Like a PSA for the world that’s not necessarily “you must do X,” but “hey, X is something many people face and struggle with. Please remember this. It’s likely to only be a minor sacrifice, if that, for you.” If we could do that and help people with self-awareness (so they know what’s personally bothering them and possibly communicate it to others), then I think that would at least solve most of the ghosting issue. We’ll just have the usual jerks to contend with afterwards.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am glad people have more voice now. It won’t be screaming at walls anymore. if you want to be heard there’s some way or other to convey your point. anyone can start a movement and this is powerful. I have seen and felt things changing for good, just because we are exposed to more aspects of the whole spectrum, previously it was just the angle we were told or raised within.
      I encourage people to have more freedom to voice their opinion even if it’s different from the norms. that’s how you remove stigmas and draw the spotlight at subjects that need attention.

      But you can’t help someone who further divides, based on differences. Labels can be used and abused too, just like any other thing.

      The whole world is chaos and people are trying to find their way. looking for relatable groups so that they are comfortable sharing their perspective, or talk about themselves and how they feel about situations. There’s always someone helping a movement and someone damaging it and nobody can help this.

      A lot of us are exploring life, we experiment and change our perspective too. maybe someone being immature about a subject can be wiser tomorrow. I think everyone should get a chance to experiment and learn as long as it’s not hurting anybody.

      There’s one approach “don’t be insensitive and don’t treat people the way you wouldn’t like to be treated” it’s not that complicated.
      Also, I have felt a lot is being said about working on your self-worth. there are too many ways to cope with something or anything and literally, everything is accessible to anyone these days.
      we can only try to lessen the pain, it can’t be programmed into our system. IT’s a feeling.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “A lot of us are exploring life, we experiment and change our perspective too. maybe someone being immature about a subject can be wiser tomorrow. I think everyone should get a chance to experiment and learn as long as it’s not hurting anybody.”

    Yeah, it’s all a work in progress. Society is figuring itself out constantly. So are we as individuals. Even when society figures something out, there’s destined to be someone new that challenges it or just needs time to decide they really do agree. That’s life.

    “There’s one approach “don’t be insensitive and don’t treat people the way you wouldn’t like to be treated” it’s not that complicated.”

    Yep, that’s all we can really strive and regularly do as individuals. You can only control yourself.

    Like

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