“Anxiety is like a beautiful but intense energy, if we channel it positively we can end up with something brilliant, otherwise it starts to destroy everything”, I told a teenage girl who talks to me when she needs someone.
We talk about anxiety a lot. And what was it like when I was her age. And believe me she is dealing with it tons better than I used to.
I wasn’t actually dealing with my anxiety. I didn’t even know why i used to be that way.
Emotions would bottle up and then a drop of feather would set the bomb off.
Everything would turn to rage.
And when that storm dies you find yourself locked in bathroom crying your eyes out and waiting to die because you feel like a horrible person.
You blame yourself for everything that goes wrong around you.
People around you blame you for everything that goes wrong.
You have a bullseye painting at your head because you throw tantrums, even though you were right.
Some times you apologize there and then. Sometimes you do that later. And if you can’t you feel guilty for the rest of your life.
Guilt is the worst after-effect of anxiety. It doesn’t let you live in peace.
It’s sad and exhausting. A lot of time you are right and standing up for yourself but you are just labeled sensitive, volatile, psycho, aggressive, unstable etc.
Every time they are mean to you and you react, you are the unstable one.
And then you shut yourself.
For a long time I have been managing to steer away from that cycle.
It’s been years to my last and final apology-spree.
Then I was a lot lighter and with knowledge of mental health, it got easier to manage my emotions to an extent.
But it’s been happening again.
I’m past bottling-up phase, and honestly I keep venting frequently, thanks to amazing friends and this place.
But this whole atmosphere is getting unbearable.
I have started to feel anger.
I’m afraid to talk to people, I might confront people and situations I have been ignoring, I actually did confront someone but deep down I know I should have done that anyway.
I might lash out.
It’s like everyone is trying to push the pin the grenade.
I am avoiding communications for the fear of offending someone.
The struggle of trying not to lose your cool is interest.
You pep-talk yourself out of anger 10 times a day.
“you got this. It’s not worth it. Count. Divert your mind. Do something. don’t talk to anyone or you will hurt them”
I’m sorry I know I’m not really present these days here but I’m not in that mental state. Just trying to deal with it on my own.
Not in a bad state or situation. just that i am having same feeling and i don’t want to go in that direction.
I don’t know how to end this. Thanks for being here. I never imagined i will be at a place where people let me be human.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.