Anxiety and Rage

“Anxiety is like a beautiful but intense energy, if we channel it positively we can end up with something brilliant, otherwise it starts to destroy everything”, I told a teenage girl who talks to me when she needs someone.

We talk about anxiety a lot. And what was it like when I was her age. And believe me she is dealing with it tons better than I used to.

I wasn’t actually dealing with my anxiety. I didn’t even know why i used to be that way.

Emotions would bottle up and then a drop of feather would set the bomb off.

Everything would turn to rage. 

And when that storm dies you find yourself locked in bathroom crying your eyes out and waiting to die because you feel like a horrible person.

You blame yourself for everything that goes wrong around you.

Wait..

People around you blame you for everything that goes wrong.

You have a bullseye painting at your head because you throw tantrums, even though you were right.

Some times you apologize there and then. Sometimes you do that later. And if you can’t you feel guilty for the rest of your life.

Guilt is the worst after-effect of anxiety. It doesn’t let you live in peace.

It’s sad and exhausting. A lot of time you are right and standing up for yourself but you are just labeled sensitive, volatile, psycho, aggressive, unstable etc.

Every time they are mean to you and you react, you are the unstable one.

And then you shut yourself.

For a long time I have been managing to steer away from that cycle.

It’s been years to my last and final apology-spree.

Then I was a lot lighter and with knowledge of mental health, it got easier to manage my emotions to an extent.

But it’s been happening again.

I’m past bottling-up phase, and honestly I keep venting frequently, thanks to amazing friends and this place.

But this whole atmosphere is getting unbearable.

I have started to feel anger.

I’m afraid to talk to people, I might confront people and situations I have been ignoring, I actually did confront someone but deep down I know I should have done that anyway.

I might lash out.

It’s like everyone is trying to push the pin the grenade.

I am avoiding communications for the fear of offending someone.

The struggle of trying not to lose your cool is interest.

You pep-talk yourself out of anger 10 times a day.

“you got this. It’s not worth it. Count. Divert your mind. Do something. don’t talk to anyone or you will hurt them”

I’m sorry I know I’m not really present these days here but I’m not in that mental state. Just trying to deal with it on my own.

Not in a bad state or situation. just that i am having same feeling and i don’t want to go in that direction.

I don’t know how to end this. Thanks for being here. I never imagined i will be at a place where people let me be human.

Thank you.

..

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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=>  ss ebook 2020 small

24 thoughts on “Anxiety and Rage

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  1. For all of us, it is a dangerous moment when our annoyance turns into agitation, with only one step further to aggression. The choice depends on our ability to see the situation for what it is and our ability to ventilate the mind accordingly. Here, one has the chance to witness the strength or weakness of one’s character in action!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi, I think of panic attacks differently, as confronted a situation where you can not cope. My wife has bridge anxiety. I’m no expert, but this sounds like an anger management issue. You can tell me I’m wrong. I can deal with it. It’s a tough world right now on top of any personal issues we have. We all will lash out sometimes.

    I think one of the difficulties is that lash out as those closest to us, not only physically but emotionally. They are easy targets. This blog is not a bad way to let go of some of what is pent up here on relative strangers, rather than relatives and friends. Even if you got personal, you don’t know our weak points. As I read once, with family, it’s easy to push their buttons, we installed them. Hang in there. Time is a great levener. And if you ever need a more direct ear to hear or shoulder to cry on, shoot me an email. Not a professional, but old enough to hopefully have some wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You aren’t wrong in fact you hit the bull’s eye with our closer ones are easy target of lashing. That’s why I try to jump of the plate the moment I feel it’s getting too hot.
      Writing here has been the best ventilation channel for me because people here gave me space, understood and validated my concerns. What else I could ask for. 🙂

      Thanks for offering shoulder, means a lot to know I do have backup help and someone who is willing to listen.
      Thank you!

      Like

      1. You’re very welcome. Thank you for following the Pen’s Might. Sad to say, but sometimes you are the only person or the only one of two or three I get likes from on my site. It won’t stop me from continuing, but nice to know someone sees it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There are a lot of reasons for a drop in traffic on almost every blog.
        Daily post was doing great job at bringing bloggers together, now everything is sort of scattered. Some fellow bloggers have their own challenges and prompts but it’s harder to follow and even those dont have that many readers.
        I would suggest Sue’s challenges, i follow those if i really want to. Great quality conent!

        then due to covid a lot of people have started their own blogs or social media channels/pages. There is less demand and more supply, a lot of writer and not that many readers.

        Things might change after some time. Or you can connect with bloggers, you weren’t connecting preciously.

        In any case, you should never stop writing. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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