Defrosting and whining

Warning: Alot of random gibberish here.

Few days back i saw an instagram post “dont talk to me in the morning, let me defrost” it is the most relatable thing i have read recently.

If I haven’t had my morning caffeine dose, you better not ask me anything at all. Coffee is like a defrost catalyst for me.

But im sort of in slow defrosting mode right now.

Last weekend was very traumatizing for me and it took a heavy toll on my mental health. Thanks to all of you who sent prayers. It’s hard time for me.

And then i had to dig up 5 years of my medical reports and present to the accountancy body I’m affiliated with and i had to explain the whole case. I took C on call. This girl is such a gem, i love her.

She stayed with me while i was sorting all my reports and scans and drafting that email. And guess what, today they replied they are considering my case, because thanks to economic condition and lack of reference, i can’t find a job.

I’m so tired in life I’m actually in total fuck-it mode.

When you don’t have much to lose you take every chance you can.

Im doing that, these days.

I spent 2 days to get a few pictures of my artwork and i noticed scanner striped off warm tones of my work. It’s so frustrating.

So i have this art selling thing to figure out, my plants are growing like crazy im afraid i will end up with a jungle of cherry tomato plants they need alot of attention but its helping my mental health.

Then i m looking into making/saving/investing money any way i can. A whole year slipped and everything is a giant heap of mess.

Oh. I m writing a whole series of posts of 2020. Been doing this for a month now but these posts are half done for now. I want it to be worth reading.

There are times i just sit in my balcony and thaw there.

It’s weird but that how it feels.

Oh its winters here. Today was 21 degrees Celcius .. lol.. yea this is our winters.

Well.

Everything is sort of incomplete and i dont want to rush. My mind is already such a clusterfuck I’m trying not to challenge it further.

But i cant stop.

This is my problem.

Im trying to stick to that defrosting stake.

Allowing my body and mind to relax back to normal stake. Trauma can freeze you in a horrible state.

Its horrible horrible horrible. Waking up and wanting to die is the worst feeling.

Thanks for being here every time.

I know i sound like whiny little b**** at times (most times), even to me!

But i know one thing, if i bottle up i will be far worse.

Life isn’t easy for anyone. Mine is literally everyday battle on the surface nobody can guess how bad it is. Thats why it hurts even more.

People dont want to acknowledge your problems because then they can be questioned for not trying to help you.

Ignoring the problem, blaming the victim, is the most convenient response i have gotten.

Well.

Sorry for whining. I had a feeling if i stop letting out here i will completely stop venting.

And i could start bottling up and building walls all over again

I came here to break my own mental ice here.

There’s a lot of good stuff i’m working on, its just v v raw and i’m mentally fucked.

I took this picture today and didn’t feel like writing anything.

You know what, i have been writing everyday but i wasn’t posting.

I was writing in my memos but something would stop me from posting it.

Today i realized maybe i have again started to build walls, this time from you guys probably. And i didn’t like it.

This place is my last resort if i start hiding my feelings from here i will end up in an absolute solitary confinement.

So just same here to write today.

Thanks everyone for being accepting of my vulnerabilities.

Nobody like emotional people, you are amazing to let me be one.

Thank you!