Ready for a ramble?
I had a major meltdown one month back. But I kept it to myself because of multiple reasons that I will get into when we talk about the whole episode.
I did let it out through writing but posting it didn’t seem like a good idea.
Then one month later a second wave came this time there were no tears, no panic attack, no major fluctuation in anxiety level, I don’t think I was sinking too deep in depression, but I was struggling.
I was bottling it up.
One of my biggest triggers was hitting me in waves and I was just standing still waiting for the next crash.
I was feeling everything and nothing.
I resorted to art, but I was trying to stay positive since I felt my mental health was in control I just needed to keep steering it in the right direction.
I started this work,
Which got stuck at this stage
Then today, I said fuck positive!
I picked up a random cardboard piece that was just lying in a grocery box.
My charcoal work materials has permanent residence on my headboard.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I saw her. Clear as day.
Next it took minutes to bring her to tan surface.
I was sketching while see was staring at me with her questioning eyes.
Honestly charcoal looks magical on tan surface.
The whole thing happened in 15 minutes but it was satisfying more than a work that take hours.
Satisfying enough to mellow my emotional struggle a notch.
Then I did something that’s not recommended to do on a whim.
Guess who got a haircut today??
I will never understand the connection between anxiety and hair cutting.
It’s like something settles in tips of my hair that has to be disconnected.
Like a very twisted version of tangled.
It’s just my experience, personal coping mechanism that has never made me proud.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
Normally when I’m going through a dark phase I always came out with shorter hair, that too from random places.
Thank God I have thick unruly hair so you can’t really tell what’s missing.
I still regret my compulsive buffoonery when I come back to senses.
Like how terrifyingly EMBARRASSINGLY self destructive you could be?
This time grass was out of control and anxiety probably wasn’t as I didn’t reach for scissors myself.
I definitely feel better. My hair were breaking like crazy, specially during workouts.
Hairdresser was enchantress with shears.
And once I tipped her a little better (she did a great job) she came running with a hair cream. To give me as a gift. No matter how much I resisted she was like noooooooooo
So..I took it.
Also because she was teaching me how to use it.
She probably guessed I am a monkey in this genre.
In between accent barrier, masks, and just pandemic confusion the whole experience was wholesome. Everyone went home happy.
I couldn’t tell my friends what I was going through because this could trigger them too, so this time I had to deal with it on my own.
This last month or so, I went on cringe binge, true-crime binge, working out like crazy, then eating like a hungry raccoon. Music, movies, art, prayers, writing, you name it..
All of that accumulated, finally helped today.
There’s no fixed rule to cope when you are struggling mentally and emotionally. There’s no glue that you can mend your broken pieces with.
The whole process from breaking down to recovery is mostly organic.
You keep moving with the flow and eventually things start to fall into place.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.