Here is the thing.
I asked to be in a position where my younger siblings would turn to me whenever they need to talk to someone. Whenever whatever they are going through I wanted my arms to be their safe place.
I always wanted to be that big sister everyone would turn to.
I think us, older siblings are born with little bit of hero complex.
And now, when I’m almost there, it can be a terrifying place sometimes.
When your arms get crowded because sometimes they all want to talk, it can be overwhelming and scary.
Yes, scary. Because you are afraid what if you fail them.
I made this commitment. I asked for it. Now they are leaning on me and if I move… you can imagine.
Lately my anxiety have been through the roof, I was having physical symptoms. But I didn’t know how to take a break.
I cannot afford to move from that spot.
This is first time ever Dad is denying treatment. He is taking his meds but he is refusing to go for his much-needed appointment and his condition is clearly getting worse. He is almost not himself.
Then siblings and their issues.
Then my own mega-list is all messed-up. Everything is incomplete or pending and that just spikes my anxiety.
Today I finally realized it’s not my physical health or fasts crippling me. I have been fasting every years from a very young age and it was never this hard.
It’s my own anxiety. My own mind strangling me.
And when you point that out you begin to fix it.
Today I took few small steps. Like went out, ate healthy and worked out. And tried not to be too hard on myself.
Some days you really have to sit with yourself and lay everything on the table and start sorting.
Until today afternoon I couldn’t even stand. Literally!
I tried a few times but my legs wouldn’t support the idea of even standing up. They felt stiff.
The first step was to tell myself
“it’s not you. Your legs are fine. It’s not the first time you are fasting. It’s your anxiety and you know all the reasons. We will work on them one by one, as much as we can and things will get better”
I am still not 100% sure how I’m going to fix it.
But you start taking baby steps and some days just keep moving is all what you need.
On the days when I’m overwhelmed with anxiety, my mind becomes a road rage sequence between me and my thoughts just rolling and bouncing like hundred of tumbleweeds.
I’m running like a headless chicken on the dusty road and these tangles balls of problems are just out to get me!
And then the whole thing escalates to a dark phase.
You can’t snap out of your anxiety. It’s always journey you cover on your own pace.
And I feel one baby step better today.
Congratulations to me!
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.