One Baby Step Better

Here is the thing.

I asked to be in a position where my younger siblings would turn to me whenever they need to talk to someone. Whenever whatever they are going through I wanted my arms to be their safe place.

I always wanted to be that big sister everyone would turn to.

I think us, older siblings are born with little bit of hero complex.

And now, when I’m almost there, it can be a terrifying place sometimes.

When your arms get crowded because sometimes they all want to talk, it can be overwhelming and scary.

Yes, scary. Because you are afraid what if you fail them.

I made this commitment. I asked for it. Now they are leaning on me and if I move… you can imagine.

Lately my anxiety have been through the roof, I was having physical symptoms. But I didn’t know how to take a break.

I cannot afford to move from that spot.

This is first time ever Dad is denying treatment. He is taking his meds but he is refusing to go for his much-needed appointment and his condition is clearly getting worse. He is almost not himself.

Then siblings and their issues.

Then my own mega-list is all messed-up. Everything is incomplete or pending and that just spikes my anxiety.

Today I finally realized it’s not my physical health or fasts crippling me. I have been fasting every years from a very young age and it was never this hard.

It’s my own anxiety. My own mind strangling me.

And when you point that out you begin to fix it.

Today I took few small steps. Like went out, ate healthy and worked out. And tried not to be too hard on myself.

Some days you really have to sit with yourself and lay everything on the table and start sorting.

Until today afternoon I couldn’t even stand. Literally!

I tried a few times but my legs wouldn’t support the idea of even standing up. They felt stiff.

The first step was to tell myself

“it’s not you. Your legs are fine. It’s not the first time you are fasting. It’s your anxiety and you know all the reasons. We will work on them one by one, as much as we can and things will get better”

I am still not 100% sure how I’m going to fix it.

But you start taking baby steps and some days just keep moving is all what you need.

On the days when I’m overwhelmed with anxiety, my mind becomes a road rage sequence between me and my thoughts just rolling and bouncing like hundred of tumbleweeds.

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I’m running like a headless chicken on the dusty road and these tangles balls of problems are just out to get me!

And then the whole thing escalates to a dark phase.

You can’t snap out of your anxiety. It’s always journey you cover on your own pace.

And I feel one baby step better today. 

Congratulations to me!

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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=>  ss ebook 2020 small

17 thoughts on “One Baby Step Better

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  1. Awesome for the baby step! A great pat on your back. I can feel your dedication to your family. It is indeed a valuable quality in you. You are a human and you may feel tired and super anxious but you are certainly a caretaker trying your best. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for such kind words. they are my everything, but i have started to prioritize now. even within their problems. dealing with things one by one.
      trying to find some sort of sanity in the middle of chaos 🙂
      thanks again. you are very sweet 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Don’t we have to keep running even if we are weakened? Which life was given regular break or any breaks to recover and heal. Inventing breaks often damage a system we build around us.
      But we have to do this sometimes. Find a safe times when your break will cause least damage.
      That’s what I’m doing.
      Thanks for wise and very kind words, as always 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I like the tumbleweed analogy. I use a pinball in a machine, myself. You feel unmoored and thrown about. When my anxiety is ascendant, I flutter about. Staying on any task, staying focused, is hard. I want to move: it might catch me.

    I’m glad you’re taking baby steps and giving yourself props for that. I remember when I was learning water rescue in swimming lessons. They tell us the first thing to do when you go to help someone else, is help yourself. Make sure you are safe and secure first. I always thought that was useful advice. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Anxiety makes me very fidgety. And sometimes mad (i have controlled this part)
      I figured working out and work up those endorphin, helps the most when I have anxiety. Or maybe this is what’s working these days.

      That’s definitely a very useful advice. Hard to implement but you have to keep reminding yourself.

      Liked by 2 people

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