I was reading my book after a very long time today. 3 poems into it I went like…how fucked my life was?
I could tell it came from the darkest place I have ever been. But then I was surprised I was there, and came out of it.
And now I’m here, sometimes your own past seems unbelievable.
I’m glad I am out but I can’t write like that anymore. Or not now at least. The reason I couldn’t publish 2nd book.
My poetry has lost its intensity.
Part of me want that fire back, but other part of me doesn’t want to go through it ever again.
Life is so weird.
We don’t get everything. But then we don’t know what we want.
Last week I was sick, and then meds made me worse. Wrote this piece and forgot to post it:
After a course of anti-allergy you wake up like.. where am I?
Gravity has been 1000 times stronger on my bed and getting up was a major struggle.
I’ve never done drugs (contrary to popular belief), but now I know what the worst ones feel like (it’s a joke please)
On the top of it I ordered and received wrong batteries for my thermometer..twice!!
You know what its like when your world is falling apart??
This is what it feels like when it’s melting away.
Now inner me constantly guilts me for resting too much. I mean I don’t need anyone else to tell me “you have been living a sloth life for last 3 4 days, get your shit together!”
I did organize my art supplies tho which felt good.
Fixed my wardrobe.
A rack broke under load of my clothes, I didn’t know my clothes are also gaining weight.
All my clothes have been sitting on a couch for more than a week now, and these are my work clothes!!
Things breaking, things melting, coffee is not helping.. idk what going on.
Last few days have been so hard. I feel like I’m slowly dying
Sickness and all aside.. I feel like my body is giving up on me
My baby sis, who I love like a daughter is getting married in a few days and im afraid I won’t be there.
We are 10 years apart but she shared so much with me. We used to share room.
She would set her alarm and keep it next to me so that I would wake up and wake her up because an alarm couldn’t do anything for her and she would be late for school.
I was her alarm clock.
I have been extremely over-protective of my younger siblings. I have fought so many people for them I don’t even care anymore of what other relatives think of me.
And it’s killing me now.
After mom, she is been taking care of home and it will be a big transition for dad too. They are all panicking all the time and so am I. And I can’t be there for them.
And we can’t postponed the wedding coz dad says “i’m dying” all the time. Why parents have to do that??
I talk to her almost everyday and it helps both of us.
But dad.. I’m not calling him I’m afraid I will start crying really hard.
The whole situation is driving me crazy.
I started watching a really stupid movie just to divert my mind and ended up bursting into tears. A funny thing triggered me so bad.
Can’t focus on anything. I hate uncertainty. I can’t deal with it I have to plan everything on every level to operate smoothly (except with writing and art)
And now I’m just constantly breaking.
Can’t sleep can’t do anything. I look like ghost.
Gosh I hate this situation so much.
There are times I feel I’m going to throw up in panic, so I can’t even eat well.
Sometimes I just eat a bar of chocolate for meal. hence, acne!
I don’t know what to do, this month is going to take my life.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.