Sad Rant

I was reading my book after a very long time today. 3 poems into it I went like…how fucked my life was?

I could tell it came from the darkest place I have ever been. But then I was surprised I was there, and came out of it.

And now I’m here, sometimes your own past seems unbelievable.

I’m glad I am out but I can’t write like that anymore. Or not now at least. The reason I couldn’t publish 2nd book.

My poetry has lost its intensity.

Part of me want that fire back, but other part of me doesn’t want to go through it ever again.

Life is so weird.

We don’t get everything. But then we don’t know what we want.

Last week I was sick, and then meds made me worse. Wrote this piece and forgot to post it:

…..

After a course of anti-allergy you wake up like.. where am I?

Gravity has been 1000 times stronger on my bed and getting up was a major struggle.

I’ve never done drugs (contrary to popular belief), but now I know what the worst ones feel like (it’s a joke please)

On the top of it I ordered and received wrong batteries for my thermometer..twice!!

You know what its like when your world is falling apart??

This is what it feels like when it’s melting away.

Now inner me constantly guilts me for resting too much. I mean I don’t need anyone else to tell me “you have been living a sloth life for last 3 4 days, get your shit together!”

I did organize my art supplies tho which felt good.

Fixed my wardrobe.

A rack broke under load of my clothes, I didn’t know my clothes are also gaining weight.

All my clothes have been sitting on a couch for more than a week now, and these are my work clothes!!

Things breaking, things melting, coffee is not helping.. idk what going on.

Last few days have been so hard. I feel like I’m slowly dying

Sickness and all aside.. I feel like my body is giving up on me

My baby sis, who I love like a daughter is getting married in a few days and im afraid I won’t be there.

We are 10 years apart but she shared so much with me. We used to share room.

She would set her alarm and keep it next to me so that I would wake up and wake her up because an alarm couldn’t do anything for her and she would be late for school.

I was her alarm clock.

I have been extremely over-protective of my younger siblings. I have fought so many people for them I don’t even care anymore of what other relatives think of me.

And it’s killing me now.

After mom, she is been taking care of home and it will be a big transition for dad too. They are all panicking all the time and so am I. And I can’t be there for them.

And we can’t postponed the wedding coz dad says “i’m dying” all the time. Why parents have to do that??

I talk to her almost everyday and it helps both of us.

But dad.. I’m not calling him I’m afraid I will start crying really hard.

The whole situation is driving me crazy.

I started watching a really stupid movie just to divert my mind and ended up bursting into tears. A funny thing triggered me so bad.

Can’t focus on anything. I hate uncertainty. I can’t deal with it I have to plan everything on every level to operate smoothly (except with writing and art)

And now I’m just constantly breaking.

Can’t sleep can’t do anything. I look like ghost.

Gosh I hate this situation so much.

There are times I feel I’m going to throw up in panic, so I can’t even eat well.

Sometimes I just eat a bar of chocolate for meal. hence, acne!

I don’t know what to do, this month is going to take my life.

..

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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=>  ss ebook 2020 small

13 thoughts on “Sad Rant

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  1. Even though this is the last thing you will feel like doing, get out right now and go for a short walk in nature. Get some sunlight. When you return, make a smoothie with the most nutrients you can muster. There is no way your mind and body can function without these. Baby steps…Let me know how you get on ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i actually did both.
      this is the best advice anyone could offer me. i went for walk. but at night since in day it gets 43° C here.
      I made banana and salted caramel shake. wasn’t too healthy but was difinitely good.
      I felt a lot better after both. thanks a lot ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s weird, I was just thinking about you and wondering if you were okay. Fantastic that you managed to muster the energy to do this. And a banana and salted caramel shake – wow – delicious! 😋. Delighted to hear all of this. Respect ✊ ❤️

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  2. I hope you feel better and can attend your sister’s wedding. You made an interesting remark about your poetry losing intensity. I think we change throughout life. Your old poetry is a record of who you used to be. If you write poetry now, it might be different. Maybe not as intense, but reflective of who you are now, what you see as important.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always say, peotry is something that happens to you. it has it’s own soul and own mood. i can’t tell myself to write a poem.
      And that’s true, i can see what i was going through in my poems. it’s a very vivid reflection or the moments, a perfect shot.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Buck up my friend and think good thoughts! You baby sis is getting married and that’s a happy occasion. I hope you can make it home, otherwise you can join via Skype or zoom. People are doing that all the time. Lots of prayers for your sister and your family. Insha’Allah everything will go well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. she literally told abbu she doesn’t want to get married now since i can’t be there. but honestly i dont want the to postpone the whole thing only for me.
      today there are further flight restrictions plus lockdown in karachi, so at this point we don’t even know if the wedding will be on the scheduled dates. so much uncertainty and it’s taking a toll on all of us.
      she tried to calm me down more now lol.
      I’m really hoping Allah brings a situation where we can attend and all goes well. Ameen.
      Thanks for prayers ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aameen! Don’t worry too much. If it’s destined to happen, it will at this time. A postponement is not unheard of in covid times.

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  4. I love that mixture of dread, sarcasm and humour. Is there a better abstraction of reality?
    As once a professor at art school said, don’t bother to choose an artist’s career if you do not carry a certain amount of torture in your soul.

    Like

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