Hating this!

I hate life. It’s the only rollercoaster I hate.

One moment you think you and life is getting better .

You go through some fatally stressful shit and have all sorts of attacks and feel semi-dead

Then adrenaline kicks in and you go in insane overdrive, in this phase you are pretty much a pre-programed robot with no sense of reality and no emotional connection with your reality.

Part of you is fine with it. At least you are getting things done.

You start believing you are fine

But!

When did life get that kind??

Plop! And you drop dead with one bad news.

It takes one teeny tiny nano-trigger to shatter that dilution that was keeping you alive.

I envy people who don’t get anxiety. You people are blessed souls, you have no idea.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but I will be surprised if this whole situation ended without me and my sis completely losing it.

I really hope they allow blogging in asylum.

Or hell.

Because that’s where I see myself going right now, For just hating life the apparently is not that bad, but sucks at the moment. I should be allowed to hate life sometimes.

Actually, I won’t be able to get to sister’s wedding due to further flight restrictions. There was anger tears and chaos. And I feel like I’m very quickly heading to rock bottom.

Remember the lump that magically appears in our throat?? Yea it’s here.

And the invisible hammer that hit your he’d 20 times per second, that is here too.

I feel dead, I get up, I feel dead again.

I have to leave for Turkey in a few days. These 2 trips were planned back-to-back. I don’t feel like going but friends and family insist that this might at least divert my mind for some time. Please don’t judge me for this.

Tbh, “traveling helps with mental health”  doesn’t work for me.

I have intense melt-downs in hotel room.

Anxiety/depression travels with me, if I already have it. There’s no escape.

I actually made a video on it but it was so bad I deleted it.

Idk what’s happening, but whatever it is. I hate it.

16 thoughts on “Hating this!

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  1. Isn’t it amazing and intriguing how life’s a rollercoaster of emotions with peaks here and troughs there, one moment you are feeling on top of the world and the next moment you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Not crying over spilled milk is good advice, like a boxer embrace the possibility of tomorrow and live to fight another day. Never give in, open your eyes and see the gifts life brings everyday. You are amazing and resilient, cut fit to overcome any obstacle life throws at you. Know who you are inside, find yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get it, when you’re in the dark pit of depression/anxiety it does just travel with you as much as you would like to be seeing the joy it’s impossible. Hopefully writing it down and recognising it will be the beginning of coming out of it. Thinking of you.

    Like

  3. Hi, Stoner, Since I have a milder form of your agony, I have the nerve to suggest something to try, for a month, say, that just might make a differerence. Try taking 800 mg of magnesium glycinate, or any kind of magnesium you can find at the drugstore. You may be deficient. Good Luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I do relate! It only gets worse when one tries to react to those demands when still under their tormenting influences.
    The situation appears out of perspective and overburdened, one can only wait for the equilibrium to re-establish itself before one might try to approach the situation with a clarified mind.
    Reading your account is like reliving my younger days again, only in those days I had trouble finding the right word.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know eventually equilibium does re-establish itself but the process break you.

      No matter how strongly we believe things are going to be fine, getting there is a rocky road.

      I have given up of clearified mind, and i dont want it anymore because clear spaces fill with random fears. Foggy mind is fine for me lol.

      Now when i read so many lives here, i think we all go through sonewhat similar emotions, no matter what decade it is. It’s more about our own phase of life.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This summed up my mind mentally for the past week! Like a roller-coaster with never-ending loops, each one more terrifying then the other. As soon as you’ve gotten over one hurdle, another one comes. I love-hate this because of how accurate it is. I hope we can both find mental stability.

    Liked by 1 person

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