Grief and all…

Few days back my grandpa passed away (as most of you know from my last few posts)

I have never been close to him but felt a little closer after my mom passed away.

Given my history of freezing in the moment when I family member leaves, and then exploding with pain and trauma later, a friend suggested repeatedly that I give myself space and time to grieve.

Take your time, rest, grieve.

So this time I thought I will stay in bed and try to rest.

At the end of the day, I was sitting in my bed with tons of un-utilized energy, anxiety and confusion.

I was looking around the room wide-eyed like I have woken up on a different planet.

On the wardrobe I had a list of reminders for a week on a bright pink sticky note.

Other pink note on my shelf has a long consolidated to-do list for next 6 months or so.

In my phone was another list of thing to do on that same day! The day that was gone when I was forcing myself to grieve.

At this point I was wondering what does this word even means.

I was heartbroken for my grandma who lost her partner and sad for my whole family and myself for not being with each other.

But I don’t know what definition of grieve I was trying to achieve here.

I called my friend and she said “we both know sitting around always makes us worse”

I got up, marinated chicken, made cottage cheese and only then I could sleep.

I decided I need to keep moving forward on my own comfortable pace.

I know this will hit me, but i can’t do anything about that.

There have been times where I was juggling between 5 to 6 chores at ones and there were times I was just aimlessly scrolling instagram for hours.

All these days, I read, did some craft work, cooked a lot! I filled my fridge and freezer, cleaned, decluttered, talked to friends and family, etc etc

But everything when I was comfortable.

I didn’t push myself

I didn’t stop myself.

And I have spent these 5 6 days without any major emotional breakdown.

It amazes me how there’s no fixed formula for anything in life.

It’s impossible to judge, guess, measure feelings and you can never expect your mind and body to react the same way as any other person.

In the end, it’s your life, your heart soul and mind, they all combined flow on their own rhythm.

Fighting that rhythm ends up distorting harmony of your own system.

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