Struggling

It’s been such a hard week. Extremely difficult week after a long time. Even thought during this long time, a lot happened that was hard to deal with.

Transitions put your sanity to test, and it’s not an easy one.

I don’t know what triggered me. I can remember the night this spell/episode/phase started.

I heard the news of a very very distant relative. I never even met her. But that triggered something. I haven’t been sleeping since, I’m so anxious my shoulders are constantly tense and they start hurting every now and then. 

every tiniest thing has been triggering me since. i can’t eat and i have lost 3 kgs in last 10 days.

I have tried everything. art, writing, talking to friends and family, everything I could think of and I can’t help myself.

It’s sad how hard people around me are trying to help me but I’m failing all of them horribly.

My friends and siblings aren’t leaving me alone, because I’m so scared to be alone right now. I cry all the time. Idk wtf is wrong with me.

I miss C so badly she had some magical skill. She would talk to be in my hardest times and things would get so much better. 

I don’t have a reason to feel this way.

Actually maybe I do.

I’m starting over my whole life from next month and I have so many fears. What if I can’t get a job

What if I can’t study further?

What if I just fail at life?

What if I’m not able to do what I claimed I will?

I made some tough decisions and they were 100% necessary. I know for the fact that I didn’t have choice. Things could get way worse.

I have incredible support from friends and family but sometimes I hide from them because they will get too worried.

Sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone without fearing they might get worried because of me, worse they might get hurt.

I don’t regret my decisions, I don’t even regret my past. Everything that happened taught me something.

But I’m so scared of future. 

Why did C have to go so soon, she always had the right answers. Why do God have to take the good people from our lives?

I don’t know what’s happening and when it will be over but it’s so hard to deal with. Idk what to do.

24 thoughts on “Struggling

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      1. i had sound of rain and i know i site that have others too. its good. but idk if it will help now. i did listen to music and poetry. didn’t help.
        i will try white noise for sleeping at least. thanks for suggesting. xx

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  1. “It’s sad how hard people around me are trying to help me but I’m failing all of them horribly.”

    You aren’t failing people. To feel, to grieve, to be afraid – this is not failing. I’m glad the people who love you are with you. It’s hard, sometimes, to let people help us 💖

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s true. I find it hard to give myself the grace and understanding I’m willing to offer most other people. But when we’re at the bottom, it’s hard to remember things were once upon a time different 💖

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  2. I stopped myself from speculating about “what if” when I decided to just be mindful of this moment and to only focus on what I can control rather than worrying about those things that I imagine could happen. Try to replace the “what if” and fears with focus on something of beauty like nature scenes, beautiful music, and whatever gives you joy. Emotions come and go and are difficult to nail down sometimes. I am by no means a mental health expert; these are just some techniques that have helped me when I feel anxiety creeping in. I read Psalm 91 and it helps give me comfort to know that God is my refuge and shelter in this storm we know as life. Pray for God’s comfort, and he will comfort you. You are not alone. Many people are praying for you. You are surrounded by your family who love you dearly, and your friends here and at your home. I keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. “what ifs” are terrifying but i dont know why I’m having all these fears suddenly. but you are right i should try to live in the moment, because honestly present isn’t bad at all. it’s just fears of future that are bothering me, and i think i’m grieving my friend in my heart too without fully realizing it. i keep on thinking wish she was here i wouldn’t be going through this alone.
      I started praying too, i was feeling so clueless and helpless i didnt even know what’s happening.
      i know there are so many people, i still keep feeling bad. i kinda feel like I’m disppointing them too.
      thank you for being so kind.

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  3. Your family and friends are giving you the support you need but only you can resolve the issues that are triggering you from inside you. They are the walls and you have to work out the inner support. Talking to Allah SWT makes the heart lighter. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The uncertainty of day to day life is what’s triggering your angst (mine, too); this all getting amplified by both your being in mourning and the extraordinary circumstances we’ve been forced to tolerate since early 2020. That you can still question what you’re feeling is a good sign. Don’t be concerned about reaching out to others. We, who truly care about your well-being will be there for you both in good times and bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. you’re right uncertainity is my worst trigger. It’s so complecated when you want to do something with your life, you lose mental peace and if you don’t, even then you can’t have contentment.
      i feel like i’m so far behind in life when it comes to typical checklist. even if i have done a lot of things nobody around me has. but i keep feeling I’m way behind.
      I miss my friend terribly she knew how to help me i feel crippled without her.
      life has been scary since 2020 and it keep getting scarier. no one can guess what’s gonna happen next.

      i try to keep reaching out, living with family is a huge advantage right now at least i can sit with them if i’m too scared of my own actions.

      thank you so much for genuinely caring you guys are the best!

      Liked by 1 person

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