Broken Plate…

“I need something good to happen soon, or I will break”

That was one of the few sentences C said to me.

Every time I feel I’m reaching that point her words ring in my head, and trust me I try to rescue myself. It’s so painful to even know that you are reaching the edge of the cliff.

It’s like you are walking blindly to fall to death and you know it!

That’s the most painful part because you don’t want that to happen.

Yesterday wasn’t bad. The ride home was so good I will try to catch the same ride every day.

I took a day off today. I was so happy for taking this very much-needed break.

The cracks on the plate I talked about in the last posts… that shit is real.

but…

The moment I moved 1 Everest from my plate I unconsciously started dumping other issues on it, rock by rock.

I was taking care of sis and baby and home and fridge and little things I had to do. I just shot myself into overdrive.

And I had to make that call. I had to call the professional body I got my education from to get my ex’s name removed. They had everything online and they changed it the first time (from my maiden name to married one) in 2 days. They have been denying me again and again via email for a long time so I decided to make this call. And I called them and they denied again giving a reason that makes no sense…it’s not the policy. Where was the policy before?

I literally ended up crying by end.

I have already been on the edge for last few days. This was the final straw.

I just took a small bag and moved to the guest’s room in the basement. And when I was coming here I felt everyone at home is going to think I’m selfish, even though I feel like I have 5 jobs. I work and I go straight to the kitchen or to change diapers or to listen to dad’s stories of the whole day, manage his texts and mails and documents.

I have to keep watch on groceries and order them. 

Then I have to take care of my little nephew and cook something healthy for my sis whenever I get the chance.

And yet I was feeling guilty.

That’s what anxiety does to you.

Also, when you are always running around trying to do everything to please people around you. You suddenly turn into this selfish person the moment to take some time for yourself.

I don’t even know if my family thinks I’m selfish or not because dad has been suggesting it for last 20 days. Because a sleepless me is a tormenting sight.

Well.

I took stuff for a good bath, stress relief scrub, shower gel, shampoo, my best bathrobe, hair serum, and comb.

And a sandwich water bottle biscuits, clothes chocolate, laptop, phone and chargers and sleep/eye mask.

All in a travel hand carry.

I came downstairs and started bawling…

I have had all sorts of sad emotions but this time I felt I broke.

I somehow started talking to a friend because I remembered C’s words…

She would always encourage me to get help no matter what.

5 minutes into convo I was laughing… this is the kind of impact this friend has on me.

He knows how to make me laugh even when I’m broken.

Can’t say I’m unbroken or suddenly fixed. But I laughed and I ate…that’s progress.

Now watching my boy Edward Norton’s movie Motherless Brooklyn.

Idk why he is sooo under-rated, I love him.

Well.

I hope that problem gets fixed, I will keep trying.

This is my life. I never got anything easy.

..

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15 thoughts on “Broken Plate…

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  1. Take time for yourself. I learned that others will drain us if we are not cautious. It’s not selfish to care for yourself. I heard the saying “Put the oxygen mask on yourself if there is an emergency on a plane because you can’t help others if you cannot breathe.” This can apply to our lives, as well. Make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of . . .Take care of yourself. You deserve to have joy in your life. . .

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      1. I can definitely relate to anxiety. In my younger years I felt too much responsibility for everyone else. . .Now, at 60 (almost 61), I am more attuned to what makes me happy. . and it’s not selfish to consider your own needs. It has taken literally decades to get to this place in my soul. . .Finally, I realize it’s not selfish to look after my own happiness. . .Just hang in there and you will be fine. . .It’s a journey. . .

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      2. Its just such a difficult time. Yesterday even my sis had a meltdown. I think people dont talk enough. about how hard life is for new mothers. And me being secondhand mother with all of my own problems, i don’t even know what to fixx and how. I havent slept whole night and came to work. Just because i know i would be worse at home. Idk whats happening with my life its straight up chaos and a bad one.

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  2. Get a Teflon suit! But seriously you do not have to play the rescuer all the time; making a stand for self-preservation is necessary and might encourage the others to take responsibility for their own issues. Furthermore, you are no help to anyone if become damage goods!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. teflon suit sounds good, but i doubt it can help me at this point. You re right. I’m taking baby steps but one steep forward i feel I’m going 5 steps backwards. You know i’m just realizing, everytime i feel like ok this is last time, another person with another issue pops up. And the sad part is people mostly don’t acknowledge your efforts.

      Liked by 1 person

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